@FirstTimeMummy2012 I think you are quite within your rights to have your DH respect and appreciate you, and by the sound of it, he isn't doing that right now. To ridicule your business as "a hobby" is demeaning and not OK.
I know for myself that I am absolutely 100% happy doing all the household stuff (and remember I don't have children!), if I get my needs met in other ways. So I would much prefer that DH take me out on a date night and spend some quality time with me, rather than do some housework. If I feel loved and appreciated, it's a non-issue. So I think knowing what fills up your "love tank" is really important, and then communicating that to your DH. It doesn't sound like it's necessarily about the housework itself, but it is the fact that you're not appreciated or respected, or getting your needs met in the ways that you need.
I'm really clear on what I need, and that is quality time. If I don't get that, then yep, I get resentful. And also, I'm not a complete martyr! Once I've got my business back on track and am earning an income again, then I get a cleaner in and an ironing lady and DH has to help out more for sure. It's more of an arrangement we have now that works for us, but it's always open to change as our circumstances change.
I think definitely exploring what it is that you need and then communicating about it will help to recognise where the issues really lie. Maybe it is him helping out more, but maybe it's something else?
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30-10-2015 08:45 #41
30-10-2015 08:50 #42
I really appreciate your responses 😘
I need to go away and think about exactly what my needs are and have a talk to DH about how to get those needs met and vice versa. How can he meet them, when I'm not even 100% sure what my needs are?!??
We're going away on holiday all next week so I think that'll be a perfect opportunity to do some brainstorming on how we can both be happier and get what we need from the other.
Thank so much again Summer xxxx
Thanks everyone for your replies xx
30-10-2015 08:56 #43
@FirstTimeMummy2012 absolutely! If you don't know what your needs are, then yes, how can he meet them? It then surfaces as general resentment that can be misplaced onto things like making his lunch etc, when really it might be that he doesn't thank you enough, or spend enough time with you, or whatever it might be that makes you smile and feel loved.
Of course, there could still be a discussion to be had on the division of labour and that he might need to step up and do a bit more, but that might be a side issue rather than the whole picture.
I think it's fabulous that you've got a holiday and might be able to talk some of these things out - not from an accusatory place, but from a place of curiosity. For both of you. Asking questions that you both answer, like: what makes you feel loved? What makes you feel appreciated? What special things do I do (or everyday things) that you are grateful for? What makes you happy? etc. Becoming curious rather than accusatory can be a great mind set to enter into that conversation :-)
You sound like a wonderful wife and mother, it's just a tweak to get you both on the same page!
30-10-2015 09:30 #44
30-10-2015 09:46 #45
I'm reading along with interest. Summer I agree with a lot of what you are saying and I can see how you relationship is equal and fulfilling even tho is seems unequal on paper. Not a criticism but I do genuinely wonder how you would feel with children. As a mum I feel like I am constantly 'on'. Like I work 24hours a day. The pressure of having the children rely on me never leaves me. BUT to my DH (and everyone else) I don't look like I am working all the time. I mean the kids do sleep! The role of mother is very difficult to understand even for a husband and father. I think this is why many many women who are mothers feel extremely unappreciated. As a mother of 2 very young children I spend every minute of my life meeting the needs of my family. I too have lost track of what my needs even are. My marriage is also not at its best right now. OP I'm sorry that I can't help you with advice but I think you and I might be feeling some similar things atm so I hope it helps you to not feel so alone. X
30-10-2015 09:53 #46
Fighting with your spouse
I resent the fact that when DH needs a haircut, he just gets up and goes whereas I have to plan things like that. I don't have the luxury of just getting up and going.
Anyways, I'm sorry you're going through something similar too. Huge hugs xx
30-10-2015 10:10 #47
I totally agree @RedCreamingSoda having children absolutely changes the dynamic and I totally understand how why so many mothers feel unappreciated and like they are always "on". I don't have children so it is very different for me.
We do have my step-son every weekend, and I guess that is where I do speak up and ensure that they don't treat me like the maid (which has happened) - now I'm quite fine with voicing when I expect their help, as far as I'm concerned weekends are a whole different thing when neither of us are working and we have a child to consider. So it is communicated that both of the boys are to pick up after themselves and cook a meal or clean up after one. I think it is about setting fair boundaries and really understanding what the other person puts in and not taking them for granted - both ways. If we have children that will be different again - so I hope we can keep our communication going and adjust as things change.
30-10-2015 10:11 #48
Fighting with your spouse
I have been forced into the SAHM role due to DD's cancer diagnosis. I am now a SAHM, we have 5 kids between us (the boys are with us 40% of the time), and I spend nearly half my time in hospital with DD. Plus we are moving house within 3 weeks.
DP works very hard as a tradie in a very physical job, getting up at 5:15 every day and doing 10 hour days at least 4 days a week. He does help a bit around the house, but I wouldn't dream of whining about what I have to do. I see it as my job to run the house and keep it clean. I barely get to sit down, but that's kind of what having a job is like. I stopped being paid for a full time job outside the home, but I see this as my 'job' now. It's busy, it's unrelenting, but it has to be done and DP is out there providing for us. Once he gets home I make sure he can relax a bit as he's absolutely knackered.
If he got home and I started getting on his case about who's done what and so forth I know exactly what his reaction would be. It would be the end of us...and we've never had a fight!
I want to also add that when we were both working full time DP did a lot more than he does now around the house. He does get that when I'm also working that he has to help out. He did most of the cooking actually.
Once I DD got sick and I was home full time we actually sat down and talked about the division of labour around the house. He said that he would put in a lot more hours and that he would appreciate it if I could do most of the cooking. I agreed that this was a fair trade and I liked that he openly communicated this to me.
Last edited by Hollywood; 30-10-2015 at 10:24.
30-10-2015 10:34 #49Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
This argument is just one of those arguments that happens in relationships.
I believe at some point everyone in this type of relationship (one working full time/one stay at home parent) has this argument. And its not just when its a stay at home MUM. I know a couple of stay at home DADS that argue just as much with their wife who works outside the home. Its just the way it is.
My DH and i argued about this constantly for about 5 years hehehe.
My only piece of advice would be to try and not let it get to you. I know thats hard. Try to understand that your partner DOESNT get what its like to stay at home with the kids, just like you dont really understand what its like to have to leave your family everyday then come home hungry/tired/annoyed to a tired/annoyed partner. Im not syaing that anyone has got it easier, they are both hard and just as important jobs.
Try and communicate that both of these roles are just as important and try to think about how you would feel in each others roles. eg. Imagine you going out to work all day then coming home tired and hungry in the evening to a meal that isnt really what u want, kids who havent seen you all day and just want some attention and a partner that is so tried and lonely they want your attention too. All while you just want to sit down and relax and zone out.
Try and get your partner to think about what it would be like to be at home all day without any adult company, with kids that wont leave you alone and chores to do. What its like to put effort into the evening meal only to have the kids turn their noses up at it and a partner not say anything. What its like to be alone all day then when your partner gets home they dont wana to talk to you, they just want to sit and zone out.
30-10-2015 10:41 #50
This is a regular occurrence in our household too, except for two things:
1. I work 20+ hours a week, and
2. We have the kids about 40% of the time, and I'm pregnant.
We never say horrid stuff to each other though. I tell him when I feel unappreciated, he says "I work 70 hours a week so you can work only 20", I say "I only work 20 because you refuse to do school pick ups or drop offs and SOMEONE has to sort the kids. Oh, and I do 100% of the housework, remember?"... he then says something stupid about me being ungrateful and that he takes out the bins to help, and I reply that I'm not the one who is taking advantage of the other, and he takes out the bin only when asked. He tells me to stop complaining, I walk away.
I then stop doing all the stuff I do to make his life easier, and focus on only what needs to be done- and I stop "complaining". After a few days, he apologises, says he realises now that he IS taking advantage of me, and that HE chose a 70 hour a week job, not me. That his job comes second to our family.Things are good for a few days, and then it resets.
Drives me nuts.
ETA: The last time this 'fight' occurred was a month ago, and I told him "you can forget me being a SAHM. Jesus you think I'm lazy now? I can only imagine the horrible sh*t you'll say to me when I'm not actively employed."After he apologised, I told him I was sticking to it. It is really important to him to have a SAHP- he's traditional. So far, me sticking to my guns has meant we haven't had this argument since... if it can last another month, I will tell him I might be coming around.
Last edited by DT75; 30-10-2015 at 10:48.
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