I thought about doing this post anonymously but then I thought, f&ck it! I will not carry shame with this.
In my quest to find inner peace and contentment, I find myself at an incredibly difficult crossroads. For those who don't know, my delightful 2.5 year old DD took one year and one miscarriage to conceive. She's the light of my life. My lighthouse.
I find being a mum really tough. It doesn't come naturally to me and I find I have to work on, to cultivate my nurturing side, every single day.
It took me almost 2 years before I could say to myself, "you know what? I'm ready to do this again!", and there began the journey of TTC a sibling for DD.
2 chemicals and a loss at 10 weeks on the 30th June this year has had me questioning everything I thought I knew. I thought I wanted this, and yet here I find myself wanting to run and scream in the opposite direction at the mention of another baby. Im past the anger. Now I just feel sadness. Some days it's an engulfing sadness that I feel would only be able to pass if I can just make that decision to not have any more babies.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve in this post but I'm hoping to read a reply that might trigger my answer for me. How did you know you were done? I want to be done. A very small part of me doesn't feel it's over just yet but a much bigger, much more dominant part of me is terrified. I can not lose another baby. 4 is enough for me. I don't feel I can take that risk again ... my heart just wouldn't cope.
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20-10-2015 18:10 #1
To TTC or not ..
20-10-2015 19:09 #2
Hi FTM, I'm so sorry to hear! Any loss is incredibly hard to go through at any time & I would never ever wish it upon anyone. It is truly the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's incredibly unfair.
Please just know that there's no rush to have to make a decision right now. And it's ok to feel angry, sad etc for as long as you need too. I know with my first missed mc I felt so incredibly sad for such a long time. It felt like it was something that I would never be able to get through & I felt so sad for a good year after it happened.
It's such a hard decision to know what to do. I've never been through 4 mc's so I understand that it's such a difficult decision to make as it's a lot emotionally & physically to go through when an outcome isn't guaranteed. But in saying that there's also a chance of a good outcome too.
Have the doctors been able to let you know if there's any particular reason that it may be happening? I know a lot of times it's unknown which is hard.
Please just know that whatever you decide to do you are much stronger than you think you are & I hope you can make a decision that you're happy with. And there are so many lovely ladies on here to chat when you need too as well
20-10-2015 20:26 #3
We shared our TTC journey of our little 2 year olds, mine whom had two little angels before he stuck around.
I'm so sorry for your recent losses, my heart breaks for you and the pain you have been through. Our journey to DS has all but scared DH and I off from TTC again (he was our 2nd) and I still feel like a want a third, but just don't know if I am tough enough to go through all that again. We've just bought a 3BR house and I think we're both coming to terms with letting go of the idea of a third.
I'm actually surprised that you decided to TTC again. I remember your posts not long after your DD arrived and how amazingly content you felt with her. At that point in time you were quite resolute that you were done with one. As part of your current soul searching, perhaps trawl back through your old posts (a bit like reading your old diary/journal) from that time and work out what, if anything, has changed.
Big hugs. Sorry I don't have any advice on "knowing" you are done, as I don't feel it - but I just may well be done. I do understand the fear though and the toll that each loss takes on us. I hope you can gain some clarity soon.
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20-10-2015 21:02 #4
Rocky I am MTHFR positive so I'm prone to blood clotting. With DD, on a whim, I took baby aspirin (call it gut instinct) until I was 32 weeks. I also have very low progesterone which I had support for with DD but this last pregnancy I didn't. I'm now on bio identical progesterone as I'm in peri menopause.
Stretched, that's really interesting about what i said. I think it was a case of DD took so long to arrive that I was so glad she was finally here and perhaps that was why I was so content. I think what's changed is I've become do much closer to my sister and I want that for DD. Hubby is an only child and I see how he suffers being alone.
21-10-2015 13:36 #5
I'm really sorry to hear. That's great you were taking aspirin when pregnant with your dd, I've heard it can help a lot. Is your doctor supportive to see you straight away & to start progesterone support when get another positive test? I hope that taking aspirin & being on progesterone would help again, if/when you choose to try again of course
21-10-2015 13:57 #6
22-10-2015 11:59 #7
That's great that they've got you on progesterone & they'll also start the injections for you too when get next positive.
How are you feeling about it all? I understand it must be a hard decision to make. I know I shouldn't put my personal opinion on here but you're such a lovely person I hope you have another baby
23-10-2015 19:17 #8
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