So I'm due with my 2nd early next year. My Grandma, 2 Aunts and a cousin will be visiting from overseas the month I am due, but staying with my parents who live 5 minutes away.
I've already told my Mum that I won't be able to spend much time with them, obviously since I'll have a newborn and adjusting to 2 kids, and most likely having a cesarean. She replied they don't expect me to visit them, they just want to visit me and spend lots of time with DD1 and the baby. I'm assuming they've told her this.
Now I'm worried they'll be expecting to come over to my place all day, every day. It's the type of thing my Mum's family would do, they have a problem with boundaries.
I think I need to establish some ground rules for when they are here. What is a reasonable timeframe for visits while they are here? I feel like if I say something like a couple of hours every second day they'd all get really offended but I don't want to feel overwhelmed.
So I'm just wondering what other's think would be a reasonable timeframe for overseas guests visiting you and your newborn.
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09-10-2015 20:57 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
Reasonable visiting times for newborn?
09-10-2015 21:04 #2
I think it's really lovely you're trying to accommodate these overseas family members while still trying to establish some boundaries.
I'm not sure I can offer much but I would suggest that the only needs really being met by them spending a lot of time with your immediate family is theirs. Not yours, not newborn bub's and probably not your DD. Only theirs.
So while its nice to be inclusive and welcoming, remember that having a bub is one of those times it's completely ok to only think of you and your family! Make the most of it!
I'm not sure you'll know until you're in the moment how many visits you can cope with so perhaps leave it as open as possible with no promises.
It's important for your mum to be on your side though. Can you talk to her about this now? Suggest that perhaps a short visit every few days might work however you won't know until the time. And you need her support in keeping visitors at bay until you're settled or something like that.
Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy! I hope the visitors are understanding enough not to want to visit every day or outstay their welcome!
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09-10-2015 21:08 #3
It's a difficult one. Is it reasonable and/or practical for them to take your DD out for a day here and there? That way spending time with her but giving you time & space with your newborn?
I think have an open and honest discussion with your mum explaining that you will need some downtime and rest which will mean some days on your own, uninterrupted. Perhaps suggest also that they call before popping around etc. It's hard to know how you will feel ahead of time.
As they will want to help, maybe get a list of things you would be happy for them to do/help with. Relatives that like to fuss are best kept busy, and it might just help you.
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09-10-2015 21:17 #4
Unless you are at my house to look after my toddler while I sleep, do my washing or clean the kitchen then you can leave after a 30 minute max visit.
I've got a 13 week old and 3.5 year old, this time around I put a sign on the door when I didn't want visitors and flat out told them I was going to bed if I was tired when they were still here. My recovery was/is the most important thing after a csection.
09-10-2015 21:23 #5
I'd talk to your mum about it and say to her that you probably would only feel comfortable every second day (or whatever) for an hour or so and that she should text in advance that day and see how you are going.
My first thought was whether you were comfortable with them taking your DD out? That would give you some toddler free time and they get to spend time with her.
09-10-2015 21:33 #6
I think every 2nd day for a few hours is more than reasonable. Those new born weeks are too peecious. They go too quickly. There are too many things happening - lack of sleep, recovery from a csection/birth,trying to get baby to feed, &you need to rest &bond with the baby. So often families think THEIR bonding/ time with baby is most important. Its YOUR time with baby that is important. I would maybe ask them to take your older child out here & there if you are comfortable with that? Ask them to take her to the playground so you can rest etc? I hope they help you &do t just want to sit around &be served &make mess. Sorry,not muh advice, just sympathy! Xx
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09-10-2015 22:00 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
How long are they in the country for? If it's a couple of weeks then I think 3-4 short visits is plenty. As you say they're here the month you are due and I presume you don't have a c-section date yet? You'll be in hospital 5/6 days most likely too. So it's hard to judge how long they'll be around when bub is actually here?
I just had a c-section with major complications for me and bub, first baby born 14 weeks ago. I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice about visitors - I had no one visit (my choice) aside from my parents and my brother for 6 whole weeks 😁 still at 14 weeks haven't rushed to introduce her to everyone, it hasn't been an easy time. Tbh I don't care either, I'm still 100% focused on working things out and getting into a groove after several setbacks.
I'd put out the gentle but firm notice now that short visits 2-3 times a week are welcome, that they should check in before each visit on the day to confirm its ok and from there wait to see what bub is like and your recovery. Don't worry about being 'selfish' for want of a better word, really the only people you need to worry about pleasing at this time are yourself, bub and your daughter. They'll get to see you all but should be on your terms. Can your mum or DH be a firm advocate while they're here to help make sure they don't step over boundaries? It is all about you not them so go with what you feel is right and comfortable. And good luck!
10-10-2015 01:44 #8
I'm of the opposite opinion. I'd have them over every day for 1-2hrs. They can cook/clean/mind your toddler/hold bub whilst you shower etc.
That's what my over enthusiastic family gets slugged with when they visit.
10-10-2015 03:21 #9
Definately set some kind of boundaries. i have a friend who doesn't quite get it... i had a csect with #2 and made it clear the first day of visiting was out. i thought i was fairly safe...i birthed 100kms from home do figured shed visit one day... nope...she stayed at her sisters and was at hospital for a good 6-7 hours daily. it was really exhausting! Id feel rude falling asleep but wasn't sleeping overnight....on the 3rd or 4th day i called df and asked him to tell everyone no visiting . i even asked him to not visit with our oldest till i called as i needed rest. just the thought of visitors that dsy stressed me out.
now a few months on.... the same friend visits at least 1-2 times a week and stays several hours. so many times I've wanted to nap but couldn't...then later in the evening I'm a mess as I'm so sleep deprived. i start picking fights with df, lose patience with our oldest and even stress out over our bubba. 6 months on and still waking anywhere from 2-4hrly. by the time i eventually get to sleep .... and need to be up for kinder runs... some days i was running on 4hrs broken sleep. (Bub was colicy from 11pm -3/4am until 4 months)
I wish i had advice on how to set boundaries but obviously i suck at it :/ haha
I do like the idea that if they're there you're not going to entertain them and they can help with your older child and housework.
Last edited by shadowangel0205; 10-10-2015 at 03:25.
10-10-2015 06:01 #10
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