Hi all, expectant father here, my DW and I are expecting a boy soon (our first), and we're disagreeing about when the grandparents should come and visit (her parents). She's a latin lady and culturally they are very close with their families, and because of that they're coming to live with us for 5 months. Although I'm happy to have them here as we all get along, I want the first couple of weeks to be just us, to learn how we want to do things, before the grandparents arrive.
I'm not after who's right or wrong, just some opinions on maybe benefits or problems of having grandparents around, and what to expect in that first two weeks, particularly if there are any other latin parents out there that can offer advice.
I should point out that I will have paternity leave, so it's not like I'll be leaving her with alone to hold the baby.
Thanks in advance.
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09-10-2015 18:06 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2015
The first few weeks after birth
09-10-2015 18:29 #2
Wowsers. Five months?!
My answer would depend on your answer to this: do you think that they will respect the way you and your wife choose to do things? How much influence do they have over your wife?
09-10-2015 18:38 #3
I loved having my mum stay with me. It was reassuring having someone who's done it before. She did the cleaning and cooking so my partner and I could keep our attention on our baby.
09-10-2015 18:42 #4
I don't have that background I'm sorry so all I can offer is my opinion on things. I think you'll both have to talk over with each other what you're both comfortable with. Is it possible that they might be able to stay somewhere else for the first couple of weeks & come to stay after that time?
I have a 15 week old dd. This is probably going to sound terrible here but I was very clear & upfront with both sides of the family from the first time I was pregnant in that I didn't want anyone staying with us for the first 6-8 weeks as I wanted to bond with my baby, find my own feet in how to do things & I was very lucky as DH had about 8 weeks off work which was great. After going through everything I'm so glad I made that choice earlier on! I loved having our own space & it would've driven me crazy with my parents staying here too. They were pretty good about it & stayed with other family & visiting for parts of the day. 5 months would have driven me crazy.
It's so hard though especially if you might have different views on it. What are your thoughts? What are you wanting? What is your wife wanting? Does she feel like she has to have them here or is she wanting them to stay? I think if you can handle 5 months of any relatives then you're doing so well & are more patient than I could ever be haha
I hope it all works out & that you both find an arrangement that suits you both. It is also your leave & time bonding with your new baby too. It was very important to me about what DH's feelings were but I was fortunate that he had the same view as I did.
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09-10-2015 18:47 #5
congrats on the baby!!
I personally think 5 months is way too long. I also totally get you wanting a couple of weeks just you two and the new bub.
we're due with our first (also a boy) in feb and I don't want house guests at all. i think it'll just be too much and I want some space to get our heads around having this new little human in our lives and figuring out what to do etc. I don't even want visitors really right away. maybe I'm very unsociable but I'm an intensely private person and just like my own space.
my dh and I have had some initial discussions about what rules to set. he seems to think it'll be ok to have my parents come stay with us but then he's not the one who would've gone through the birth, be breast feeding etc.
I'm sure having parents around is lovely but I reckon I'll just want a bit of space first.
hope you manage to figure something out and arrive at a happy medium
09-10-2015 19:18 #6Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2015
My mother in law lives with us permanently and there are pros and cons with it to be honest. The pros are they help out with stuff like washing anf groceries while your trying to get your head around being a first time parent. Cons are they are there all the time and whatever you experience with a newborn is shared with them. To br honest first time round MIL overstepped the boundaries a couple of times with advice and stuff and my husband was good enough to let her know she was stepping on toes. I guess the best advice i can give you is to have an agreement with your wife on how you want to do things and stick to that. Good luck
09-10-2015 19:32 #7
The first few weeks after birth
I would have no issue with my mum having been there, but sadly she had to leave a few days after the birth of our son in August. We're living with my in-laws and while they are helpful and lovely, it's not the same.
However, you wife will be doing the bulk of the work (feeding etc) so if she is close to her mum, I'd let her come. I would have killed to have my mum around and was gutted when she left. If you think she will help and support your wife, I'd let her come.
Last edited by ilex; 09-10-2015 at 19:52.
09-10-2015 19:48 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
When I had my first, we were living in London and my mother came and stayed with us for 7 weeks. My dad also came and stayed for a few weeks over Christmas at the same time. Luckily we were living in a huge 5 storey house so we weren't on top of each other.
The benefits were my mum gave me really helpful advice about breastfeeding, she did most of our cooking, washing and cleaning, she encouraged us to get out of the house and go for a walk each day with baby in the pram, and came on trips into the city centre on public transport so I felt comfortable doing it. She really gave me a lot of help and support.
My mum really knows about boundaries though and she would often go off by herself exploring, to the theatre etc and looked after herself. It would be difficult if family were coming and expected to be waited on hand and foot - it would make twice as much work for you and your wife. I would have a chat with your wife and ensure clear boundaries are set so expectations are clear because 5 months is a really long time! She should talk to her family beforehand so everything is clear before they come.
I can also be honest with my mum (even yell at her under stress) and she understands and doesn't hold it against me. We communicate really well generally - I think that's important instead of letting things simmer away unsaid.
I hope everything goes well with the birth of your bub!
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