Sorry I rambled. Point is, she was genuinely upset, raised a valid question I couldn't give an answer to after thinking about, so I changed my name. And I am happy I did.
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09-10-2015 07:27 #111
09-10-2015 07:38 #112
If one of my daughters chose to be a sahm and was respected and considered equal by her partner, I would be happy. Just as I would be happy if she had a job that she loved.
My mum was a sahm for 13 years. She has always had equal (if not more) say in the finances and my parents were lucky enough to be mortgage free by the time my mum was 21. When she decided to return to work, she studied for a year and fast became the main income earner. I suppose the above things have shaped the way I view the sahm role; it doesn't necessarily mean that you are doomed to a life of poverty if you suddenly find yourself a single parent.
Similarly, I'm a sahm now. Dh & I have an equal say in finances and, while we both strongly value one parent being at home in the early years, he would be fully supportive if I chose to go back to work tomorrow. By the time I do return to work, I will have been at home for 7-8 years and will still be young enough to play catch up.
I think the most important thing is that you're both on the same page and you are considering your future plans when choosing to be a sahp.
09-10-2015 09:09 #113
09-10-2015 09:27 #114
I don't think I'd be overjoyed but it's her life!
I work to contribute to family funds, study to get a better future career meanwhile have a 2 year old and one on the way.. It's busy! But that's a choice I made when I decided to start a family young.
But I see it as very important to better myself as the kids will grow up before I know it and I have watched too many older relatives lose themselves when they've been stay at home parents and their kids grow up and move on.
I have another 45 years till I can retire.. I want to do something I love on that time!
So I would be disappointed if our kids grow up without passion and drive to better themselves and pursue a career they love after working hard to role model that to them!
09-10-2015 09:55 #115
A friend of mine is a SAHM because she is lazy- no really, she has a nanny but is home all day, the nanny does all the cleaning, cooking and looking after the baby. Why stay at home? She doesn't want to work.
Another hated her job but couldn't find another role in that career so is a SAHM while studying, and has found she loves it and they can afford it so she will continue to be a SAHM.
My mum had 5 kids and it made sense to be a SAHM.
First one- not valid to me.
ETA: i value independence, but I don't link work with that. Would I rather my daughter/son stayed in a job they hated or be a happy SAHP? The second, for sure.
Independence is about more than just finances. And I will be raising my kids to have financial security before having their own kids- it's up to them if they want that to be with, or separate to, their partners.
As for showing independence by not taking their partner's surname? If you feel your daughter shouldn't take his name to show independence, and she goes with that... it's not independence is it, because she is doing what you've said rather than making her own choice.
Last edited by DT75; 09-10-2015 at 10:08.
09-10-2015 10:02 #116
I think we need to recognise that what happiness, fulfillment and success is defined as, is different for different women. SAHM's can still have drive and can better themselves without working. For some happiness is having their own pay check, for others it's being at home with their kids. For some of us success is a promotion, for others it's feeling we are nurturing our families (and I'm not saying working mums aren't nurturing).
I think there is a picture being painted here of the downtrodden, uneducated Mumsie type serving her husband the paper and slippers while begging for 'his' bank card. Nothing could be further from the truth in my household.
My life has passion, fulfillment and happiness. I'm educated, I do have some super, I have a decent work history. I honestly love my life so much. Yes I would like my daughter to do the same if she wanted to be at home - to get training and work for several years before being a SAHM. But if my children, male and female, were truly happy then I'd be happy.
09-10-2015 10:04 #117
I changed my maiden name to H's... I have always had a different surname to my siblings, my dad (the man who raised me), my male "parent" (sperm giver), and then my mum (after she married dad).... I always hated that.
So taking H's name wasn't giving up anything.
09-10-2015 10:07 #118
What a thought provoking thread. To be honest, I'd never considered it. I have only wanted her to find a career that she loves doing and that she strives to do her best and work hard. By work hard, I don't mean long hours, I mean show dedication and pride in her work.
I would love for her to go to uni, but if the career she wanted to do didn't involve that, that would be ok.
I guess I'd support her no matter what her choice, provided it is her choice. I would, however, encourage to set herself up a bit financially and career wise before she became a SAHM in case she wanted to return to the work force. I'd also encourage her to return to work after her kids go to school, but again that's her decision.
I'm currently on maternity leave and planning on returning to part time work. Financially I need to work, but I also have spent many years at uni and I feel that working is part of my identity and what I am good at. I am also lucky that my job gives me enough flexibility that I can attend my kids daycare activities. So at the moment, I feel like I have a good balance. If my DD can achieve that balance, I'd be happy.
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09-10-2015 10:09 #119
I admit, if I won lotto tomorrow I wouldn't ever get a Nanny. I want to raise my kids. But see that's my perception which is really the long winded point I'm making. It's all so subjective.
Last edited by delirium; 09-10-2015 at 10:12.
09-10-2015 10:18 #120
We really are out own worst enemies aren't we? I never see men tearing each other apart over their parenting choices.
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