I would be very disappointed if she didn't have a career or qualification first
I only say this from my own personal experience. I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mum, so wasn't motivated to get any type of back up plan as I thought I didn't need one.
Turns out financially that wasn't possible and I also didn't feel productive with in myself .
I am now in the process of studying multiple courses and secured a full time job trying to build a career so in a few years time if I have another baby I can CHOOSE to be a stay at home mum because I can return to the workforce once I feel ready with already having previous experience.
I wouldn't want her to have the regrets I had by not doing that the first time round as it is more difficult now already having a child to juggle it.
The financial independence and super is also another reason.
I would just like to add - my parents have always worked full time so I've never experienced having a stay at home parent, but when ever I have needed them they have always been there, if my parents needed to leave at a moments notice to help me, they could and did. They worked themselves into a position where I could still come first. So I don't think it's fair to say only stay at home parents are able to do that.
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08-10-2015 22:29 #91
Would you be disappointed if your DD chose to be at home long term?
Last edited by DreamyMummy; 08-10-2015 at 22:34.
08-10-2015 22:36 #92
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08-10-2015 22:45 #93
08-10-2015 22:56 #94
08-10-2015 23:00 #95
My DH and I both changed our surnames ( to the same one). DH had is ( now ex ) step dads name, I hated it, ( partly because I didn't like the man, he wasn't part of our life or his mothers) and it didn't go with my first name. I refused to change mine and he wanted to change his too so we opted for his birth fathers name
09-10-2015 02:12 #96
09-10-2015 02:47 #97
I would caution all my girls if they decided to be long term SAHP. Short term of 1-3 years, yes that's great but definitely not long term.
Financial independence and employment security are so important. I would be devastated if my kids were trapped in a dysfunctional relationship because they had no options.
09-10-2015 04:42 #98Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
If my DD wanted to be a SAHM for 5-10 years or so, I'd be happy with that, as long as she had some kind of safeguard for worst case scenarios. And super contributions. Any longer than 10 years and I think I'd be a bit disappointed, but not excessively so, if it were 100% her choice.
I just wanted to say though about SAHM... it's really not that scary? Although I think it depends on individual circumstances. I mean if you left your highly technical high paying career for 20 years, then yeah that would be a bad move. But, if you were in a low paying low skilled job, seriously what's the difference? You don't really gain 'financial independence' from doing that anyway!
Anecdotally speaking... I am one of those people you all 'fear'... I was a SAHM for 10 years (110% my choice and I would choose it all over again), and one night my husband literally came home and told me he was leaving and left that night. Finances are tough for me now, but the way we were going financially it really wouldn't have been any different. In fact, due to me being a SAHM, I had time to start a uni degree (now finished, as a single mum), which I wouldn't have had time to do if I was working earlier on.
The one thing that does make me uncomfortable though is having next to no super. But that's the only thing! I wish I had/XH had contributed to my super while I was a SAHM.
Another anecdote... my mum was a SAHM, my dad died. Yes things were very very tough for her but again, we were a low income family anyway so I'm not sure how different it would have been anyway.
Yet another anecdote... a friend of mine has kept her career. Her H is a d!ck. We keep having discussions about leaving but she feels she doesn't have a choice, because then how would she work her odd hours, and financially because they have a big mortgage she feels it wouldn't work out.
Anyway I have to go to work now, but I just really wanted to point out that being a single mum after a SAHM is really not all that miserable, and you can't just presume that a SAHM is missing out on squillions of independent dollars from not working.
09-10-2015 05:15 #99-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
The reason why I'm asking is that (for safety reasons) hubby and I are teaching my ds1 (nearly 4) to say his full name and the name if everyone in our family. When we were asking ds1 everyone's name, for me he said "mummy <DP's surname>" I thought it was so cute. When I told him my real name he thought it was funny and started laughing. Even if he was upset at 3 I would think kids get 'upset' about a lot of things and it doesn't necessarily mean they are really upset - most of the time they can be easily distracted and forget. With an appropriate strategy/distraction/delivery plan in place I just can't see how a 3 year old child needs to feel a loss of connection with her mother just by having a different surname.
09-10-2015 05:56 #100
No, I wouldn't be disappointed.
Life is complex, but not concrete. No matter what plans you have or what your backups are, circumstance can screw you over. No matter what your circumstance though, there's always some positive and ways to better your lot or to make the most of it.
Absolutely; being a 'career' SAHP has its downsides. Financial dependence and a lack or work history are concerns if you want or need to go in another direction... But I'd hope that, were that situation to arise, any child of mine would be resourceful enough to pursue what they wanted or needed to do.
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