What has worked for us is a not ever hiding anything from the other person but not searching there stuff unless there was a reason eg. Me going through his email to find a email that one of us needs. Him going through my phone to find a document. Etc... We don't need a special permission to do it but we all always tell the other person hey I need this from your xyz. Or hey I needed this do I went through your xyz. This is a very rare thing but has happened a few times in our 23 years together. I would never just search his stuff to see what's there.
Respect and trust are massive thing in a relationship without them it will eventually break.
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07-10-2015 14:01 #31
07-10-2015 14:25 #32
I do get what you're saying & yes I will continue personal counselling for my trust issues. I guess the point I take issue with is that there was something dodgy going on. So, in a sense my not trusting someone turned out right. I didn't come here to get continually told off about my lack of trust. I was upset & hoped for some support/guidance. I have to trust him all the time; when he does weekly gigs & doesn't get home till 2am. I have to trust him twice a month when he goes away for a week at a time for work & I basically do trust him. But you all seem to be able to get over the fact that he was looking at brothels & individual prostitute profiles & price lists. In my opinion that is the point. I just don't get why he would need to do that if he never had any intention of going through with it. That's what I feel uncomfortable about. And, it wasn't snooping; he knew full well there was a chance I could look at his phone. I wasn't doing it in private. And in the past I've found he's looked at porn & naked celebrities etc. I've never confronted him about that. It's just that as far as I'm concerned researching the local brothels is taking it too far. That's what I'm most uncomfortable with. That & the subsequent lies.
07-10-2015 14:36 #33
@ertgirl I suspect what most of us are struggling with is the idea you can build a marriage on a foundation that seems to assume there is a reason to suspect the worst. If you didn't why would you even look at his history. It's a bit like self fulfilling prophecy. I know it probably sounds ridiculous for you as this is the norm in your marriage but to the outside world is reads like a marriage based on mistrust rather than one based on trust.
Does that make sense? I trust my husband but also give him complete privacy. He has a really annoying habit of reading my emails. I have nothing to hide except I think it's really rude. I've told him this and he gets it. So while I have no secrets I also expect privacy.
Your situation is unusual for most of us which is probably why many are struggling to understand? I think the reality for the majority is what @LoveLivesHere describes. Namely full access to each other's accounts but no one looks unless the other is actually looking for something.
Can you work on finding a way to trust him without reading his phone history? Tbh if he was going to cheat he'd find a way whether you're looking through his phone or not.
07-10-2015 14:37 #34
I'm sorry for what you've been through. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been with your mental health issues making you feel even worse.
I think it's great you're both going to counselling. You're clearly aware of your trust issues and know that it's not healthy for yourself or your relationship and I hope it's something you can eventually overcome for your own sake, especially.
I can't say whether I think your husband was planning on acting or just browsing out of sheer curiosity. No one would know this except your husband. While it may seem silly that someone wouldn't delete their history knowing their partner could catch them...it does happen. I know this for a fact because that's how a former friend of mine caught her husband - with inappropriate texts in his phone.
Something isn't sitting right with me...I do not think you are overthinking this. I'm guessing the uncertainty is what's bothering you the most? And the fact that he lied is what's making you question it more.
I can understand how you feel and, again, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Good luck with the counselling
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07-10-2015 14:50 #35
I'm sorry if you feel people are telling you off about your trust issues - I really don't think they intend to be hurtful. Trust is a huge thing, and something a lot of us probably take for granted.
Although I initially thought your DH should be given the benefit of the doubt, the latter update would personally plant seeds of doubt in my head if I was in your shoes. He may have lied because he wanted to spare hurting you, or there could be more to it? You just don't know, and that would be hard.
Seeking some counselling is certainly a sensible move.
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07-10-2015 15:06 #36
Yeah I do agree with FL. We have the same set up, we log onto each other's phones, computers. We had a rule from the beginning of our relationship that the truth is always better than a lie. We also live by the idea that someone with nothing to hide hides nothing. But neither of us goes actively checking on the other bc we don't feel the need to. We trust one another.
Had your husband had a history of cheating and/or dodgy behaviour/lying etc then I could understand the monitoring. But you say he hasn't to this point. TBH I'd be really p*ssed if I found my Dh had been looking at prostitutes profiles and price lists so I do think you have a basis to be angry. But I dunno, I also think you have trust issues to work through. Some couples counselling might help, good luck
07-10-2015 16:25 #37
Am I the only one that would have looked at the page and pricelist if it had turned up in my search results?😳 I totally would have looked around because it would have cracked me up that it showed up in my results and I definitely would have been curious about their pricelist!
Surely you can understand why he felt it was necessary to lie to you? I think I would have lied to you as well because I assume even if he'd told you the truth from the outset that you would still be upset so it's pretty natural for him to want to control the damage.
I'm sorry you feel ganged up on, but I think many of us are trying to help you feel better about the situation and help you see that this probably pretty innocent. I agree that continuing to search his things is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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07-10-2015 16:56 #38
07-10-2015 17:17 #39Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2015
I was discussing with DH how there used to be one around but it got flooded in the floods and was curious to see where it was and how it was going.
I have also looked up another brothel near where I used to live. Oh dear. I am just curious.
07-10-2015 17:33 #40
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