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  1. #1
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    Default How to get a life?

    I haven't worked in 8 years. Hardly see any friends since surprise baby #3 was born 15mths ago. No family in the country. I'm so busy all the time with kids and house I've lost me completely. I've known that for a while but things are getting worse now at home as I can't talk to dp about how I'm feeling (he doesn't do feelings) but I have nothing else on my mind but kids, housework or how lost I'm feeling so we are barely speaking. I almost miss the fighting stage we went through. I know the main issue is that I have nothing else. I don't think I belong in this house, in this country I feel like an onlooker into my own life. I want to shake myself and tell myself to get it together but I can't figure out where/ how to start putting myself back together. I can't stand up for myself and say I need time to do xyz as I don't have anywhere to go or anything to do. Weekdays it's all about looking after baby, getting kids to school, cooking yada yada. Weekends it's about more kids activities, me being home to get baby to sleep and house maintenance. I don't leave my tiny suburb. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I was a housewife in Afghanistan and then sometimes I think it might be better cus the women usually have other women around doing their crappy work all stuck at home together. How twisted is that train of thought?!? Argh I need a big change in my life.

  2. #2
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    We moved to the other side of the country when I was 5 months pregnant with #3. No family, no ties, nothing. I cried every day for 2 months.

    4 years and 2 kids later I am very happy. Still no family to help but what has changed is two things.

    First I got involved in the PandC at my kids school. I volunteered for everything I could at school (and yep I dragged small children along with me) and made friends that way. It got me out of the house and I met lots of people. I felt part of a community which I had missed since moving.

    The second thing I did was get a job. It gets me out of the house, I feel valued and I use my brain.

    I don't feel valued unless I work. Not everyone feels that way but I do. My job is interesting (to the outside world anyway) and while it's a constant juggle I'm happier for doing it.

    It's obvious from the things you post you're unhappy. Doing nothing won't change that. I had to accept I have no family around and get on with life. Not everyone has family who are helpful and involved. I wasn't alone in being alone. Once I reached out to people I discovered just how many other people there are who also have no family support. So from that basis we build our urban families

    The hardest part to taking those first steps and making your life change.

  3. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Sonja For This Useful Post:

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  4. #3
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    I agree with @Sonja and have grappled with similar questions in the last couple of years. I feel like I'm only just starting to 'get a life', and while others may scoff at what I consider to be 'a life', here are some things that have helped me in my isolated, virtually IRL friendless, family-less existence :-)

    - volunteer for anything you can at school/cc. I just volunteered to organise the book club orders. I regretted it the second I did it, but I feel good for contributing time, and it's a way to meet people

    - I just signed DS up for a Little Athletics trial session. It may not work out but it's a chance to meet some new people. Sign up for anything - swimming lessons, ballet, karate etc. and force yourself to make eye contact and smile at/greet everyone you encounter.

    - find yourself a little hobby or think about what you loved in another lifetime and find an Australian-based page on Facebook to Like. Get involved. If it's about books, comment on the page and respond to people's comments. If it's a sewing page, post some pictures. If it's a cooking page, share your favourite recipes. It's something that doesn't take much time to do and it helps you to feel a little connected in the world.

    - do you have Pinterest? Make yourself boards of wishlists for a DIY project or clothes you love or anything which helps you think positively about your future and gives you something to aim for. In the same way, baking/making things for others keeps me busy and makes me happy.

    - keep a journal or even take a beautiful photo every day. Start an Instagram and share the photos. Use those damn hashtags and connect with people globally!

    I don't know if this helps any. If you are really struggling, please reach out to your GP for help.

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    I'd never take my baby/toddler to a p&c thing or to canteen duty or uniform shop how does that work? I do think that getting involved more in the school would be helpful but I couldn't take my little explorer with me. And the honest truth is that I'm not very social which is part of my downfall. I like having a few close friends / family that I'm really comfortable around. I can strike up conversations at times in playgrounds but never take it further iykwim. I've lived lots of different places and had no problem fitting in when I was young and single without kids. I had lonely times due to my introverted personality but overall there was this independence and freedom to move areas / jobs etc, take up new hobbies etc. now there is so little time to explore options... Ugh sorry I hate this poor me mentality I'm in I just can't shake it. I think probably it was a mistake to emigrate with kids. I'm just not the right personality for getting out there and finding a new community.

  7. #5
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    Me neither. That's why I suggested lots of online type stuff. It stops me from feeling completely disconnected and alone :-)

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    Where do u live?. Have you tried the website meetup to meet new people at all?.Plenty of people all wanting to meet other people just like you. Just remember that if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got. You need to stop making excuses and get out there. Friends are not going to come knocking on your front door. Put yourself out there and you'll be amazed at the results.

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    Have you tried going to a playgroup or meetup group?

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    I see you are from Sydney. Stacks of opportunities for socializing. Where are you from originally? .Plenty of ex pat group on there too if that would make you feel more comfortable.

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    I think your best bet would be to start hunting for a part time job, 1-2 days a week and put your little one in daycare on those days. Preferably a job where you're working either in a team or surrounded by other people, so that you're not always on your own.

    Good luck xox

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    Default How to get a life?

    I hear you Freyamum. I'm in a similar situation, albeit I have only 1 child at present and I have returned to work.

    We (hb and I) have been in Australia nearly 6years and were very settled, well 'quite' settled but didn't feel so tied down as we do now that we have our son. The isolation is crippling at times.

    As others have suggested, if you can pick up some part time work and have your littlest one in daycare, this might give you something to look forward to and you'll be interacting with others. I also recommend looking into playgroups. I went to a few and found one I really liked, everyone was/is very friendly, we are encouraged to reach out to new members to the group. I don't go religiously so I haven't made firm friends or anything like that and a friendly hello is all it requires, you don't have to strike up or be held to conversation if you don't want to. You have the little one with you to interact with too.

    Husband and I are keen to have more children, and we are looking at moving to FNQ. I have a couple of friends there & I have enrolled in a course starting January. I'm hoping a fresh start will open up new opportunities & I will again feel like 'me' again, whoever that is. x


 

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