He has gone out but home soon so I am going to try and speak calmly to him. Not easy though as he flies off the handle and the smallest things.
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16-09-2015 20:11 #31
16-09-2015 20:14 #32
16-09-2015 20:14 #33
Would he read it if you wrote it all out in a letter?
16-09-2015 20:28 #34
Hmmm maybe. Though he hates reading and is a shocking speller . I will try. I can have my say without being talked over.
My kids have been back in my care (long story for those that don't know) 15 months. We also have out son (17 months) too. So he's been single ( well fatherless) to 4 kids ( 3 of which aren't his) in a short amount of time.
He knew I had kids when i met him and I was working at getting them back.
I think what doesn't help either ( though I'm not making excuses ) is my ex wants nothing to do with being a father so he's left me and partner to do all the hard work while he goes on holidays and f@cks women!
Anyway, I don't want to make the same mistakes because it's taken a long time for things to slowly improve.
Would it be ok/silly to do parenting classes on my own? Dhs suggested this but I wasn't sure.
16-09-2015 20:30 #35
No it's never silly to do anything that will help better yourself. Maybe if you do it and come home talking about it and with info he may listen. He sounds pretty set in his ways though.
16-09-2015 20:53 #36
When you can't agree on discipline..
I think you both should see someone who specialises in family counselling.
I am in no way making excuses for his behaviour, no one should speak to children that way.
Obviously there is underlying frustrations, you are right, he went from no kids to 4 very quickly. I myself became a step parent very young, not only that but the mum wasn't in the picture much like your kids father and I had to take on a maternal role. That brings on an incredible responsibility and it took a long time for me to verbalise my emotions correctly regarding discipline, I felt that I wasn't backed up when trying to enforce some kind of rules and boundaries ( things like manners and appropriate bedtimes)
and in turn I felt both my partner and step child were against me.
The things that stood out to me is his complaints about their behaviour. Without understanding why a child might behave in a certain way, especially when there has been a turbulent past it can be very difficult to remain patient and calm.
He can have a say in the way you discipline if he is acting as a father figure, however you both discuss that as a team, obviously at the end of the day what you say goes but it wouldn't hurt to really explain why you want to do the things you are so you are both on the same page as parents.
If he is not willing to do this then he has no right to be involved in there lives, they aren't just his step children, they are his child's siblings, they will forever be family and any mature man would try his best to create a loving home for all of his children.
Last edited by DreamyMummy; 16-09-2015 at 20:57.
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16-09-2015 20:59 #37-
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16-09-2015 21:05 #38Senior Member
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As for your DP, he has no clue. How could he? I have children of a similar age to yours and they throw me for a loop every day, I can't imaging how it is for him coming in so green. The thing is though, he needs to learn this stuff. He needs to be taught and if he isn't even willing then I would really, really urge you to think about the consequences of staying with him.
I know that having someone to help you with four children, even if they are crap sometimes, must be pretty hard to let go of but your kids matter more than this man and the support he offers.
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16-09-2015 21:52 #39
This guy sounds very unreasonable. I could understand that he doesn't know how to parent as it's all new to him (maybe he's parenting the way his dad did and he thinks it's normal), however, that fact that he's unwilling to listen to the OP is not acceptable. He sounds controlling.
Counselling and parenting classes with him as others have suggested sound like great ideas.
If he is unwilling to change then I think you need to weigh up if he's the right person for you and your children.
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16-09-2015 23:04 #40Senior Member
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What's the point of going to parenting classes on your own if you're going to come home to a partner who's not going to let you parent anyway?
If my partner was constantly yelling at my kids and swearing at them and abusing them, he'd be ****ed right off before he even had time to blink. No way in the world would I allow someone to treat my child that way. Children deserve to grow up in a loving environment where they are nurtured and guided, not treated like crap all the time.
Sorry if this is harsh, but you're a mother. Your children rely on you to keep them safe and to stand up for their rights. This man should not be your priority over your children. If he is not willing to get help then he is not going to change, and there is no point ever expecting him to. Do you want your daughters growing up thinking this is how relationships are supposed to be? Do you want your sons to grow up thinking this is the way to treat women?
And regardless of all of the above, do you want to be with someone so childish, condescending and selfish? Do you think that's what you deserve?
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Lincolns mummy (17-09-2015)
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