Sounds like it's a case of hubby leaves and you and your mum deal with the maintenance ... Or you both sell. ?
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16-09-2015 18:24 #61-
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16-09-2015 18:28 #62
Or sub divide some of the land & sell it?? Rent it out for agistment??
16-09-2015 18:31 #63
I can't be subdivided, otherwise we would have already done that and I would own the land too. We have a paddock adjisted but it pays beans. I think it will be ok though.
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17-09-2015 09:11 #64
So he came home last night, brought pizza, bathed our child, and we watched a dvd. He also brought home a very decent pay check and was talking about having our loan paid off before our holiday in March next year. I had that moment of comfort and that maybe it would be better to just leave things as they are and try to work with it. Then I thought about our sex life and felt depressed. And then this morning I read an article about how you can learn to love someone... Do you believe this is possible? I don't feel a need for someone "new", there are just things I crave that I'm not getting in my marriage. I'm wondering if those feelings can be developed consciously though? We have a bunch of issues on the side (him ignoring me, not helping out, and me nagging etc) but most marriages have things like that, and I wonder if we got over those hurdles, if we could make this into a "real" relationship. I would obviously rather be in love with him over anyone else if I had the choice. I'm going to try to get to a counsellor to discuss all of this (the last time I went she said she couldn't help us until my husband got assessed for ASD), but I just wanted to bounce this off you all, talking about this has been incredibly helpful and I really appreciate everyone who has responded. And if you're thinking the reality of leaving is just sinking in and I'm Sh!itting myself, that is probably right, but as we have a daughter together and our relationship affects other people, I'm not going to rush into anything without exploring all the avenues.
17-09-2015 09:20 #65
Op are you friends with your husband? Do you think things can be worked on to find the love? I think the intensity of love can wax and wane over the years for many couples but you still need that friendship at least to carry you through the bumpy bits.
17-09-2015 09:23 #66
Yes I believe love can be developed. Lots of people in arranged marriages say they learn to love their spouses. It's not something I'd be ok with but I guess sometimes it works.
But I hasten a guess that you guys have been together a few years now and you still don't feel 'it'. Honestly I have no idea how long it can take but I suspect if there was going to be love there it would be there by now.
If you really want to try to find love with him, maybe you could link up with people in arranged marriages online? Essentially they are in the same position as you. They may give you some ideas or resources?
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17-09-2015 09:24 #67
I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel a kind of camaraderie with him, when we are getting along, sometimes I feel we're not even friends. We don't talk anywhere near as much as I would like, so that makes it hard to develop a friendship. He doesn't enjoy talking, at all, and has only recently been able to talk to me about anything serious (like our relationship) without ending up lying on the couch with a pillow over his face.
17-09-2015 09:29 #68
Look, I may get flamed for this but I'll say it anyway. I think BH is very quick to jump on the "leave him" bandwagon when people talk of being unhappy in their marriage, so I think you'll get a skewed opinion.
I completely understand why you want to stay with him. I completely understand why you want your marriage to work and why you want to have the kind of relationship you crave and why you want it with him. I do think he needs to be part of this though. He *must* start being an active participant in your marriage. He *must* shoulder some of the responsibility for your marriage being how it is and for the two of you not being happy. If he doesn't, I can't see how anything can change. Seeing a psych is an awesome idea, but there's only so much that can happen if he doesn't do the same. I'm no expert but I really think you both need to see someone together and separately. The issues you have pretty much form the foundation of your marriage, it's not like you want to go back to a state you have previously been on. What you're seeking is a complete change of the foundation of your relationship. It's a mammoth task but if you both want it, then you should absolutely try for it. There's obviously things about him you love on some level, whether that love is platonic or romantic. People fall in love in arranged marriages so I guess I see it a bit like that; you can grow to love someone and have a content relationship. But he has to do something as well and I worry that you'll do all the work, expecting things to change, and you'll burn out and still be at square one. Would he read this thread do you think? (Or would you even want him to?). It might drive it home how serious your feelings are and give him an objective insight into what he can do to help change things.
17-09-2015 09:30 #69
Maybe instead of thinking of him as your husband for now, think of him as your boyfriend? Start going on dates, Dress up to go places, have a weekend getaway with the 2 of you. Pretend you've only just met and get to know him better.
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17-09-2015 09:43 #70
What concerns me is that if we met now, we would never get together. While we are on the same page regarding parenting and most social issues, I often feel the fundamentals are not there. I have lamented to him in the past that we have no foundation for our marriage - that you need either love or a common goal to make it work. He wants to try to do more things together, have a shared hobby, and the one we agreed upon was to set up our garden and try to grow food, which he says he is interested in, but I'm a little concerned that that's really my thing and not his, and will just lead us to a major meltdown when he doesn't want to do the work. But that in itself could be helpful, to give more clarity to the situation, so I guess we will try. I wonder if I would be able to see the good in him better if I wasn't so focused on him - if I was working or studying or spending time with friends, I wouldn't be relying on him for all of my social needs. But I don't know if all of this is just secondary and we don't have the bones of the relationship to make it work. I'm so sick of thinking about it. I have been thinking about this every single day since we got married (and before that even), I can't believe we're still here.
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