Again, more posts appeared after I had typed out my response, so I apologise if the order of comments doesn't make much sense. I know I have caused all of this on my own. Though I can't regret having my daughter, I obviously regret the way she was brought into the world. This is what makes it hard to be selfish again and leave, there are other people involved and maybe I do just need to suck it up. I'm just not sure how to do that without becoming too miserable to be an effective parent for her.
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16-09-2015 13:37 #21
16-09-2015 13:39 #22
16-09-2015 13:45 #23
Cut your losses, end the marriage and find a man that makes you feel the above. It is a realistic dream and no you aren't stupid for wanting that. 20 years into my marriage and I still have those feelings (in amongst wanting to strangle him too ). So it isn't silly or unobtainable.
16-09-2015 13:52 #24
No, he won't see anyone. That's why he went on the anti depressants in the first place, to calm his anxiety enough to see a counsellor, because I said if we didn't get some more counselling I would end the relationship. But now he doesn't want to see anyone (separately or together) because he says when we were seeing a counsellor previously he was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear and it had no impact. He doesn't believe there is any value in cognitive behaviour therapy, and he hates talking to new people, so he has just flat out refused to see anyone. He thinks a lot of our problems would be solved if he could get his sleep sorted out (he is overweight and snores and may have sleep apnea), but he won't exercise or eat healthily until he gets a CPAP machine (to help him breathe while sleeping) because he says he is too tired to do anything. So, he's supposed to be going to the doctor to get this machine, or get a sleep trial done, but he keeps putting it off (like for years) because he hates going to the doctor. It's very frustrating, I have very little impact on him and it always takes me saying I'm going to leave for him to promise to do something about our issues, but he never actually does it. Rarely, not never, beccause he did end up seeing a counsellor with me for a few weeks a few years ago.
16-09-2015 13:55 #25
Thankyou delerium, I know this is what I want to do, I'm just terrified. And then there's the guilt of what it may mean for my mother and daughter. One minute it seems simple and then the next the reality rushes in and I realise I just can't do it.
16-09-2015 13:56 #26
It sounds like he's in a really bad place and while I have a lot of sympathy for him, you need to put yourself and your daughter first. Reading the part where you said you want to be adored brought a tear to my eye. I have that and take it for granted and I think it's perfectly reasonable and rational to want that for yourself.
You said you owe your mum money for the house. Do you currently make payments to her?
Does your mum work or drive? Is your employment history strong and something you can go back to?
16-09-2015 14:00 #27
End the relationship, whatever it takes just end it. You are both beyond miserable. He is depressed and overweight with health issues. You are lonely and neglected. The longer you stay together the worse it will get. Speak to your mum and come up with a plan. Sorry for being blunt but there is no other way to put it. Everyone makes mistakes you need to move on from this one.
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16-09-2015 14:02 #28
We don't currently make any payments to her, we are paying off another loan first. My mother works full time, and drives, though she won't drive me anywhere, she wants me to get my license. I would be able to get a job fairly easily if we lived closer to a major town, but there are very few options where I live. Petrol is an issue, it costs my husband $100 per week in fuel to just get to work and back.
16-09-2015 14:05 #29
Do you have siblings or family friends who you can stay with? Have you talked to your mother about things, about ending your marriage? It makes me sad that she won't drive you anywhere, even if you had a licence do you have access to a car if both your mum and DH drive their cars to work? If it's your place and you ask him to leave, will he? Sorry for the barrage of questions, I'm trying to think of what you could do insofar as taking the next step.
16-09-2015 14:16 #30
No, I really appreciate the questions, it will help me to figure out what I can actually do. I have a car that needs about $1000 worth of work, so that will be the next step after I get my license. I don't have any family close by, other than my mother who lives next door. I could theoretically stay with her and rent this place out, but I think she would rather I just stay put, we have a lot of dogs so it's a bit chaotic when we're all together, and she wouldn't really like anyone else on the property. oh plus our cats don't get along too well. I have discussed it a few times with her, I mentioned that previously that she wants me to be happy and will support any choice I make, but she is really worried about our future, with the upkeep of the property and losing his income. (Whilst we're not paying her anything yet, our plan is to start paying in a year, and that money will really help her pay off her mortgage).
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