How did that impact on the person and parent you are today?
My dad is Greek and my mum from the UK and I had a very strict upbringing.
My parents (namely my dad) parented by using fear. Not fear of being beaten or anything but fear of him being disappointed in me. A result of that is silent treatment, or at least being given very short and abrupt responses when we tried to talk to him.
So instead of learning from our mistakes, we just feared doing anything.
Things we weren't able to do:
Talk back (eg say something was unfair that he did or said - not necessarily in a rude way but we weren't able to stick up for our feelings on anything - it was an 'I am the parent you are the child tough luck!' kind of scenario)
Slam doors if we were upset or angry
Watch TV shows like neighbours or home and away
Have boyfriends or girlfriends as teenagers
Have a part time job until Uni
Go to parties (and of course I was too scared to lie or sneak out)
Even when I was 18 my curfew was 12:00!
My parents also offered to pay for us to go to Uni (as a way of almost making us go - first generation to go when we did) but hey weren't going to pay for me to go to TAFE which meant I chose Marketing at Uni instead of interior design at TAFE (my biggest ever regret).
My parent were just lucky that I didn't rebel. That kind of strict parenting I guess can go one of two ways - the way we were - submissive and scared to really even be ourselves or total rebellion where we could have gone and done all the things they didn't want us doing.
How it has impacted me: I always saw men as authority figures and I've always found most men (mainly older) men intimidating. Well until I met my DH, the second I laid eyes on him I felt at ease and comfortable around him.
I also always bottle up my feelings. I grew up not being able to share my feelings and that obviously isn't healthy.
As for how that makes me as a parent, I'm really not sure yet. I know I don't want to parent like I was parented, but to be honest I'm not sure how to parent especially as my kids get older. I don't want them getting into the wrong things or getting pregnant early, but have no idea how to even go about that, or even how much my influence will either make that happen or hinder that from happening.
I think though just like everything I'm not going to parent to any extreme I don't want to be (and FTR I hate this term) a helicopter parent, but I can't be free range either, I'll always have some element of protectiveness, just not over protectiveness like my parents.
So what about everyone else?
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14-09-2015 14:15 #1
Spinoff: What type of parents did you have and....
14-09-2015 14:48 #2
My parents are fairly traditional Indians and they struggled with parenting in Australia.
Dad was and still is super strict but never gave us the silent treatment. Just yelled or smacked us and then moved on. He was always affectionate tho and we were never afraid of him. He does have trouble verbalizing his emotions and is completely useless at being supportive emotionally. But that's his nature. Even now I have to spell out when he is being idiotic.
Mum was and still is the emotional parent. She tried to parent gently but would lose her temper occasionally. Even now she overthinks things all the time. Mum is super over protective. Till we were 18yo we weren't allows to watch neighbours, Simpsons, home&away etc. No parties and I had to beg to go to the formal. No dating either in school but it was explained as to why, same with our curfews. If we didn't like the rules we were free to move out.
We also weren't allowed to talk back as kids but our feelings were acknowledged and then moved on. In our family the needs of the majority overtake the needs of an individual. And that the sanctity of the family is paramount.
My parents tried their best and they were very good considering the huge cultural gaps they had to overcome. I must say I parent very similarly to my folks.
Heck if my kids become like me I'd be pretty chuffed.
Last edited by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah; 14-09-2015 at 14:54.
14-09-2015 15:10 #3
Spinoff: What type of parents did you have and....
Last edited by Pearlygirl; 16-09-2015 at 21:09.
14-09-2015 16:02 #4
My parents were hard working, caring often way too much (I will explain on a sec). They were firm but fair. Mum was a sahm until my sisters wedding. Than she got a job to pay for it.
Dad's Lectures were famous. Instead of belt we would get a 3 or 4 hour lecture. We would have rather had been smacked. We often piped friends that were over when one started.
Anyhow while they were good parents I don't parent like them. Now I am going to sound like a total b1tch.
The over caring part.
They took in people. All the time. Not officially. Just your teenager is acting up oh well send them to LLH parents. Oh your wife had a affair with another woman come live with us and stay drunk for months. Than there was the mums with 4 kids running from their husbands. There was only 6 months added together of my life that I remember that we didn't have someone staying
While All sounds wonderful to take these people in. It wasn't. I was used and abused by them. I was treated like sh1t and my parents often couldn't see it. I never had anything that was special to me that wasn't broken. Every event was overshadowed by their things etc...
They loved us and truly did their best. They are good parents and that why we moved back 10 years ago to look after them in their old age. I get frustrated with them at times but I love them with all my heart.
Last edited by LoveLivesHere; 14-09-2015 at 18:28.
14-09-2015 17:06 #5
Spinoff: What type of parents did you have and....
My parents were conservative and loving. They are the 2 words that spring to mind. Nothing's ever straight forward though!
Dad was ultra conservative. Our manners had to be impeccable, we never ate finger food at dinner, never went to maccas (only nice restaurants - we wanted to go to maccas!). He was introverted and completely emotionally unavailable (to everyone). We were never smacked, but felt the wrath of his disappointment with a single glare. He was a kind- hearted man with high expectations and very old fashioned values. He saw himself as the provider and was a workaholic. We wanted for nothing and much money was spent on extra curricular activities for us.
My mum was and is a beautiful soul who mothered from the heart and compensated for dad's emotional shortfall. She was firm but incredibly approachable. She welcomed all our friends - good or bad. She was kind to everyone. Despite my older siblings being horrid teenagers, my Mum wasn't anxious and handled it all with grace. My dad retreated and stuck his head in the sand. By the time I was a teen my mum was very relaxed and seeing I was a 'good kid' I pretty much did what I liked. I respected this freedom for the most part.
I am mostly very grateful for all of it.
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14-09-2015 17:31 #6
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14-09-2015 18:09 #7
My parents loved us but were neglectful when I think about certain things..
They didn't do discipline. Which was fine for me as I had the internal good conscience and I was very black and white on what was right and wrong but it did not work for my brother and sister.
I was the 2nd child and was left to babysit a lot from the age of 9/10.
We were always fed and had clean clothes but our house was an absolute mess and often had infestations of one bug or another.
As a result, I get very stressed when my house is messy and always try to clean it. I struggle making new friends because as a child I never wanted to bring anyone home. I also try to be really present in my kid's lives so when they look back they remember me being around.
Dad worked hard and I knew if I needed him he would be there for me. Eg. He would pick me up at 2/3am and drive my friends home from a party so we wouldn't stay there and would be safe. I chose to stay with Dad when my parent's seperated. I had more respect for him and my Mum was very naieve and I felt I had more common sense than her.
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14-09-2015 18:35 #8
My childhood is kind of split in two..
Until I was 12 I had a SAHM mum who was very present, knew all our friends/teachers/class parents, took us to every extra curricular activity we could have dreamed of. We were allowed no junk food, she was very anal about that. Dad was also there, but also not.. He had/has a very full on job as a partner in a top law firm. He worked long hrs.
My mum died when I was 12. Leaving my dad with 4 kids and he really had no clue, the poor thing. We didn't really have rules. None of us were particularly rebellious, luckily. We also went to strict private schools that had a lot of rules, expectations so I guess that helped. We had a housekeeper 5 days a week there to greet us when we got home from school, cook meals, etc. but really.. We became very independent and pretty much did what we liked.
oh, I don't think I have ever heard my dad yell or swear. Consequently, my siblings and I don't really either. If my dad was disappointed in us.. That was often enough for us to get the guilts and pull our heads in. All it took was a 'look'. Dh says I have this perfected for our kids. My dh swears and yells when he is angry and it bugs me as I just don't understand it. He is however, very emotionally available to our kids (our dad definitely was not!) and I really appreciate that he is different in that way.
Last edited by Barnaby; 14-09-2015 at 18:39.
14-09-2015 18:38 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2005
Until the age of 6 I was a very happy confident child who had a great life. Mum could be a bit cold sometimes and once Dad smacked me on the mouth but other than that....
When I was 6 they divorced . My whole world turned upside down. I went to live with Dad. He was very strict, religious and was often depressed. He got on my nerves with his intensity. But I guess he did his best.
Mum was a selfish narcissitic women , became a alcoholic and my childhood she basically spent getting drunk and having a dysfunctional relationship with a new man. My sister was ignored yet spoilt.
I grew up with very little self esteem and few life skills. I was given little positive attention and as a result had three very emotionally abusive relationships one after the other. I try to be the best parent I can be but sadly I have been at times emotionally abusive and have suffered very badly with anxiety and depression . I am healing from the past though and from my mental disorders and can honestly say I'm the happiest I have ever been, my child is doing well also.
But what a struggle to get where I am today!
14-09-2015 19:02 #10
My dad was great, very gentle and came from a loving family. My mother was harsh. I don't remember being hugged or kissed as a child by either parent. Mother had (and probably still does) have mental health issues that affected the whole family the entire time I was growing up.
I don't have a lot of fond childhood memories.
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