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  1. #1
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    Default How to get DH to stop yelling

    My DH is an amazing father, extremely hands on and loving. We have been under a lot of stress lately and he isn't coping very well. We have two young boys and he has started yelling at them (well, mostly DS1) a lot. His voice is always raised and I just can't get through to him to stop. It's not in his personality at all to be like this. He absolutely won't want to talk to any professionals about it, but is there a good book or good references I can give him?
    He hates that he yells but he always has an excuse for doing so, mainly "DS won't listen". I feel like our household must be a terrible place for our kids at the moment and I don't know how to change it.
    Any ideas would be great!

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    Create a house rules picture board ... For the benefit of 'the kids'. Pictures of things like no running off, no yelling, share, help pack up, etc etc. Then have a consequence if someone breaks the rule eg my kids get a 'corner' however there are plenty of more deterrents you could try. Make sure hubby is on board. Then ping hubby when he yells. He can have a corner or whatever.

    Hubby and I had a few 'corners' ourselves for yelling and the ridiculousness of it set us straight. It also Highlights that the actions of the parents have an impact on the kids. - how bloody ridiculous is it for a parent to try and get their kid not to yell/hit when they are doing it themselves.

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    FearlessLeader is online now Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
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    If you know that it's stress related, then I would address that. Punitive measures or explaining why yelling is bad aren't going to work. He knows it's bad. He knows it, and he clearly needs some help to de-stress in general. Instead of addressing the yelling directly, could you just talk to him about how stressed he is, and help him overcome it? You could even frame it like 'we're both so stressed at the moment, maybe we could do with some strategies to de-stress' maybe he needs some time alone each week away from the kids, maybe the two of you could take up yoga or meditation or really any sort of hobby that takes his mind off things a bit.
    I get shouty when I'm stressed, and when DP sees that he doesn't give me a lecture about it (not saying that you do), instead he steps in and says 'let me deal with the kids, you go read' or whatever. I understand that you're under the same stress- it's about helping each other out and trying to remember you're on the same team.

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    I agree with FL that if he's not coping, then he needs help to feel better and calmer in general rather than a time out.
    Stress is such a huge trigger in people and IMO needs to be seen in much the same way as anxiety or depression.
    That said, useful things to help would be giving him as much space/time away as possible.
    You separating him and your DS1 as much as possible (it will only be for the time being)
    In terms of when he feels shouty, shouting in itself isn't a bad thing - it's just a physical thing. Shouting AT someone can be a bad thing. I know it sounds stupid but I used to go outside with my DD when I was at the end of my rope and generally she was too and we'd shout things at the sky. We'd stomp and yell about how FRUSTRATED or ANGRY we were - we live on a farm, which helps!
    In terms of books, Children are People Too by Dr Louise Porter is great about highlighting our expectations of children vs the reality though I think it goes under a different name now. If you google the author you should find it and maybe even Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka could help him see things from your DS side in terms of the not listening.

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    I agree with PP, treat the stress first.

    In terms of books, I have a book called 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". I like it because all throughout the book it has role play type things, (I just do them in my head), but it will put you in the childs position and in the role play you will get 'yelled at' for something you did, and as well as yelling it goes through other typical reactions parents have- lectures, threats etc. and then it asks how that makes you feel and how that actually makes the situation so much worse. I found it really helpful, being able to put myself in that position and 'feel' what my kids are feeling when I do these things.

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    My dh is the same when he stressed, which is most of the time.
    I'm reading a book by Dr Laura Markham called calm parents, happy kids. It's awesome. Talks a lot about how parenting is about controlling ourselves, and the effect it has on the kids when we do or don't. And the effects on the relationship between parents and children when we shout or punitively discipline them. It's an amazing book. I've got it on my kindle. Just trying to get DH to read it!!!

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    Thanks, these suggestions are great!! The crazy thing is I shout at him to stop shouting. We are not on the same page at all and I am grumpy at him because I don't like his parenting style at the moment.

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    you can see that shouting at each other about shouting is kinda ridiculous. start reading any one of the books mentioned, and get your dh to read them too. then also try to find ways to get rid of the extra stress. no one can function at their best if they are feeling 'pulled' in one hundred directions. hugs, marie.

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