Mmmm this is a tricky one.
But I think there must be more to the story.
To me it sounds like a very nicely put email, that if you responded and said " this upsets up and we want to continue" that it's probably what would happen.
We have our family Christmas before the actual day! It works out fabulous. It means on Christmas day we get to do the whole present thing at our place, we invite my immediate family for brekky and then we have the ILs thing in the arvo.
I think they are trying to do what's right for you.
Sorry you're feeling so unhappy about it.
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05-09-2015 22:21 #21Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2015
05-09-2015 22:22 #22Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
I would be devastated if any of my family decided they didn't want to spend Christmas with me.
I'd email back - something along the lines of 'sorry if we have said anything to make you think we don't want to see you for Christmas. We still very much want to but are wondering if a change of time/place might work better for all of us.
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Little Miss Sunshine (06-09-2015)
05-09-2015 22:28 #23
A PP mentioned that families are hard, I think we all feel this way occasionally, but I feel it's only when there is a lack of communication.
If you want to spend it together, offer to host it.
Perhaps as they're getting older it is getting to much for them, perhaps there is more to it then we know from this email, I would just respond in the same polite fashion with my own ideas/wants.
I sat all the grandparents down a few years ago and said we're rotating Christmas between the 3 of us, stop calling us for Christmas Eve, we want to do our own thing with the kids. Is everyone ok with this they said yes, and that's it, no more tension.
Of course fil still calls every Christmas Eve and says and asks are you guys not coming over? I've decided to look at it as a funny little anecdote, so I don't go mad
05-09-2015 23:00 #24
I don't usually disagree with so many people so I could be way off base here but so what if they're sick of hosting? That bares no resemblance to the email sent.
If you don't want to host, you let people know THAT, you don't wrap it up as something else. Especially not something that suggests It's for the benefit of others if it's not.
I think your DH should do 1 of 2 things
1. Quick email back saying their email is a surprise. That you don't feel that way and you'll be disappointed not to be spending that time with them. That the time with them had become your family tradition. ask what might have given them that idea. And you hope to be available when the lunch is planned - this is only a good idea if you really do want Xmas with them.
2. Call or go and see them and ask outright where all of this came from.
Gently of course.
05-09-2015 23:04 #25
I didn't take the email as them saying they don't want to spend Christmas with you. I took it as them saying they want to give you the opportunity to make your own plans and I assume they're hoping to be included in them.
But...I do remember the time thread so understand why maybe you're reading more into it and maybe rightly so ☺️
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05-09-2015 23:10 #26
06-09-2015 02:55 #27
Reading between the lines, if it's taken until September to send the email then they haven't found it easy to bring the matter up and in reality, it's probably been weighing on their minds since last Christmas.
Maybe they want to take holidays a over the Christmas time, spend time together as a couple? Or maybe they're just plain tired. I'd be so sick and tired of hosting Christmas if I did it for my children and then for my grandchildren for 14 yrs, but I find hosting very stressful anyway.
I would invite them to yours this year, spoil them a bit.
It would go a long way to ensuring there's no hard feelings.
I've heard so many family stories like this where the issue isn't addressed and resentment sets in, so I think the email was a good way to say what needed to be said without getting emotional about it.
They sound like lovely in-laws and they must have done a great job of Christmas for you to enjoy going every year.
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06-09-2015 03:25 #28
I think an email back, saying you'd really love to keep spending Xmas with them, would suffice. But offering to host it at your place this year, inviting your DHs B/SILs family as well.
I think it was MissKitty who said she'd had no idea how much time, effort, planning, cost etc went into a big family Xmas day until she had done it herself. I'd just like to second that! I usually work over Xmas and invariably end up dodging most of the family stuff, eating turkey sandwiches at work and maybe unwrapping prezzies with DD and DH on Xmas eve if I'm lucky - but a few years ago (3 weeks after we had moved into our new house, and with S/BIL + kids from o/s staying with us) I decided to host. Silly me I thought that it would be just like any other family lunch I've ever hosted (I'm a master at those), but it turned out to be so the day from hell. And that was with people bringing food. People's expectations at Xmas tend to be much higher and also people can be more emotional and difficult. Cue (childless) sister who was turned up 3 hours late as we were finishing eating lunch, with the two roast chooks she was supposed to drop over in the morning, so that the kids and elderly could all eat on time before getting cranky. With her non trained aggressive dog who couldn't be contained anywhere and made the kids and parents lives miserable as they couldn't play, eat, or sit outside (it was 30 degrees). Cue drunk BIL who decided he wanted to have an all day rant about how f&$@ed the country's politics are (he is very left wing, my mum/dad are, shall we say, NOT). Cue DH who decided he wasn't feeling well and went to have a 3 hour lie down just as I was dishing up lunch, leaving me to deal with DD (who was 12 months old at the time) and going through her horrid "I don't need naps so I'm just going to scream all day unless I'm held" phase. And cue MIL who, just after lunch, had one of her epic meltdowns over something trivial and forgettable, after sitting on the couch and ordering me around all morning.
Interestingly, nobody else in the family remembers it that way, they all reflect on it as being a great Xmas day, and have been pushing for me to host again, so I guess it was a success. I guess what I'm saying is that unless you're the one responsible for Xmas, it's hard to understand how full on it can be. Maybe the in laws want a break? Although, if that was the case, they really should have said that!
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Wise Enough (06-09-2015)
06-09-2015 04:43 #29
Part of our Christmas traditions growing up was dinner at my Grandparent's house. I loved it. I knew that every year we would go there and then look at lights on the way home and it was really important to me as a kid that we did that every year. We actually still do it in some way, either at my Dad's with them or at their house.
Perhaps they don't realise that they are part of your traditions and that you like seeing them? I would be inclined to let them know that you really like seeing them at Christmas and if they don't want to host it perhaps you could go to a park or somewhere else.
06-09-2015 06:09 #30
Christmas to me is a big noisy extended family Christmas.
But, we share the hosting, so that's what I'd do, offer to host at your place this year.
The catch up in early December is a bit strange, do they live far away from you?
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