Grandparent issues

[MillieMollyMandy]

Just had another thought, as for point #2, that you as adult siblings don't spend enough time with each other or at each other's houses, as parents of adults that is not their concern. They cannot dictate how their adult children choose to interact with one another, the best they can do is create an environment which encourages it. Starting with attending important family celebrations.

[meandmyboys82]

Do they ever visit you or are you just expected to visit them?

Curious about this too. My in laws always expect us to go to their place. Not easy with a young child who has a routine. They always got mad if we were late because our son napped later than usual. Selfish much?

[bubbasmum]

This sounds like it could have been written by my own parents. Honestly they should be coming to you all now. Not every time but it would seem so much easier for them to visit you rather than you lug your whole family over there. The whole sense of entitlement thing really annoys me, and my own parents are guilty of this too. The way they say they are so busy... Isn't everyone?

[Soon2be4]

They should be grateful they live close enough to you all to just be able to "pop" in Id give a lot to be able to do that with my family or even my in laws.

I imagine they're retired so despite being disorganised surely they have time on their sides to visit even just for a cup of tea and catch up. No real advice sorry and good luck

[HollyGolightly81]

First, just wanted to say it may be best to delete the names in your OP ☺️.

They seem a bit like my parents, the past 5 or so years they have just become so self-centered and sensitive. I'm constantly walking on eggshells with my mom as she takes any joke to heart and has a dramatic response which in turn has led to her thinking I am now 'cold' with her. To me, I just don't know how to talk to her anymore for fear whatever I say is going to be taken the wrong way. She used to be a lot of fun but her personality has dramatically changed lately. They are also jealous of any time my in-laws have with DS which really annoys me, we currently live overseas from both parents (in-laws in OZ, my parents in the States and us in the UK) in the past 10 months I've done two return long haul flights with DS and about to do another one because they are upset they haven't seen him for almost a year, heaven forbid they fly over to see us! MIL arrives tomorrow and I'm preparing myself for the passive aggressive texts of how much they wish they could spend more time with him when they see photos of him and MIL. They haven't flown to see us since he was born (now 18 months)!! They are perfectly able to fly over, they just don't.

For us, if my dad sends something like that to me it's because he's trying to shut up my mom who is in his ear making his life miserable so he finds 'confronting' me much easier as he knows I'll have a more rational response or I will just ignore it. Which leads me to what I would do if I received that letter....ignore it. I'm learning the best way to avoid drama with my parents is to make them feel like they've had their say and to just leave it. Responding in defense of myself just ends up making it worse so either ignore or give a neutral response saying thanks for their email and you'll do your best to make more of an effort/see them more often. Saying how you really feel is probably not worth the can of worms it will open. Ya know?

I'm assuming from the letter you have a few siblings? Could it be possible they're directing the letter at one or two of them who actually make little effort but they sent it to everyone to try and not make it look like they're singling somebody out and causing a fight?

I have noticed that that generation of Australians are definitely more about the impromptu visit and just dropping by unannounced and I think they have a hard time with the current culture of checking that it's ok to stop by. When we were visiting the in-laws in April their house was just a constant stream of friends popping by unannounced and them popping over to drop off something at somebody's. DH's best friend's wife (our MILS are best friends) and I were chatting about how DH's friend had to have a chat with his mom because she kept 'popping by' when they first had a baby and the wife would have just fallen asleep for a nap only to hear the doorbell with her MIL on the other end. Fair to say I think she was a bit bent out of shape when she got told to knock it off!

[Somerset Woman]

No, they have never just popped into my place. Never asked if I needed anything or any help. When they do come over Mum is very critical on the way I keep my home and raise the children. Yes they are retired. I think time is going by very slowly for them at this point. I raise my right hand and vow never to make my children's lives this difficult when they are grown.

[HollyGolightly81]

It is a lengthy and rather complicated message. So this is what I get out of it:

1. They feel like they don't see their family enough
2. They feel like their children and grandchildren don't see enough of each other
3. They would like you to drop in more at their place
4. They acknowledge that family events sometimes happen without them because they don't like making plans in advance.

I think they have made it a very difficult message to answer because they offer no constructive suggestions to improve any of this, just really a complaint that they are disappointed you don't live your lives in the same way they do.

I think a face to face conversation with them is needed where you ask them to clarify their problems (as the message is a bit confusing get), then turn the conversation around to 'So, what can we do to make this better?'. Just them saying 'We want you to drop in' isn't constructive, it doesn't suit most people's modern lifestyles. Maybe if say you agree to pop in with the kids one afternoon a week and in return they agree to schedule in some major events such as birthdays etc.? I'm sure a compromise could be worked out?

This is a great response ☺️

[HollyGolightly81]

This sounds like it could have been written by my own parents. Honestly they should be coming to you all now. Not every time but it would seem so much easier for them to visit you rather than you lug your whole family over there. The whole sense of entitlement thing really annoys me, and my own parents are guilty of this too. The way they say they are so busy... Isn't everyone?

This is some of my issue, honestly, it's much harder for me to fly for 14 hours with a toddler than it's for them. I'm not even thinking about myself on this but how hard it is on DS to be traveling all day, after this trip I plan on telling them that if they want to see DS next year they need to make the trip over because I won't be doing a long-haul trip for a while. We're in Europe and we'd like to not waste all of DH's time off on bouncing back and forth between in-laws, we want to explore!

[gingermillie]

This just made me groan for you OP. Sounds so self absorbed and immature. As a PP said instead of wasting the energy creating the drama perhaps they could have, I dunno, organized a get together?! That's what I usually do if I miss people and everyone's been really busy. If they can't manage to do that then they can't really be complaining that you don't just organize your life around visiting them every time. In any case the letter to you all is way OTT.

[bubbasmum]

@HollyGolightly81 not to mention the cost! Not as bad as your situation, but we live in another state and it costs us a small fortune to fly to see the grandparents. I can only imagine how much it would cost for you!