Thanks for your advice ladies. I tried to bring it up again with him last night and asked him to explain to me why (so I could try and understand) but he just got annoyed and quite frankly was being a bit of an *******. He said that I need to respect his wishes and figure out a way to get over it and move on. Way to make me feel even worse DH. Hopefully our counselor will be able to help.
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04-08-2015 08:46 #21
04-08-2015 09:08 #22
I just wanted to offer my support to everyone in the thread who has had to deal with this. It's really heartbreaking. I'm in the same boat as a previous poster with only one child and my hubby refuses to budge on a second. I haven't come to terms with it at all and and now in my early 40s with a history of endometriosis it's probably impossible anyway. It's a real grieving process so I guess we just have to be gentle with ourselves as we try and figure out a way to live with this. Hugs to everyone & I hope we can all be at peace with this one day.
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04-08-2015 09:08 #23
How to move on when you partner doesn't want another child but you do?
Hi @Happymum2 can I offer some perspective from the male side as I had very close friends go through this. But the male was my close friend. His wife asked for reasons but he didn't have the words. In the same way she felt she wasn't done he just felt that they were. He loved his family as they were and didn't want to add to it. He couldn't say more than that. Any "logical" reasons he gave she countered so that didn't work for them.
I hope the counselling works. I mention the above as sometimes there may not be reasons that can be explained by one person for not wanting more children. I would hate to be in your situation and I hope the counselling helps you. I also agree one on one counselling would benefit in the situation.
Last edited by Sonja; 04-08-2015 at 09:23.
04-08-2015 09:39 #24
The funny thing about it is that when our dd was a baby he was the one that said he would have another in a heartbeat if we had more money. I guess everybody is entitled to a change of heart/mind.
I've already started getting back into the workforce (very casually atm) and have got rid of most of our baby things (maybe sub-consciously I already knew it was the end of babies for us).
A very sad time for me at the moment but I'm sure it will get easier with time.
Huge huge hugs to anybody who has been in this situation, it truly is an awful feeling. Xox
04-08-2015 09:54 #25
@happymum2 your DH sounds like mine, his family is the same constant 2 children on his mums side, his dad has 2 sisters but he only talks to one, his mum had 2 and his aunty (mums side) had 2 as well. His reasoning is with 2 we don't have to buy another car, 2 hands 2 kids, money wouldn't be an issue if we stick with 2. I asked him what if i fall pregnant with twins this time, he freaked out!
It's so hard and such a sore subject with us, i too come from a big family 3 of us and lots of cousins that i grew up around.
I hope you can work through it and come to a mutual decision.
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02-09-2015 14:46 #26
So I just thought I pop in and update for those interested.
DH was booked in for a vasectomy at the end of the month but has completely I guess freaked out and has cancelled it.
We had a talk with our counsellor and he said a few things in that session that has got me thinking. She asked us to describe to each other why we feel the way we do about it and after I had poured my heart out and completely broken down (ugly crying), he just looked at me and said "well happymum2 you need to realize that you don't just get want you want because you want it". Both the counsellor and I were a bit shock and she kind of stumbled around trying to find the right thing to say.
I guess now I feel like he is using it has a bit of a control thing and something just doesn't sit right with me about that.
The fact that he cancelled the appointment I have to look at as a good thing, even though he is still adamant that he doesn't want anymore children.
But then I do completely feel like he is messing not only with my head but also my heart.
02-09-2015 15:45 #27
hi happymum2, do you have any more counselling sessions booked? it is interesting what he said after you poured your heart out. ! this is such a conflict, because there is no right or wrong side. each person is allowed to feel the way they do. I remember when my dh had his vasectomy, we had both agreed and decided that four children was enough, and we were both happy to finish the family there, I still felt a bit of sadness, grief? once the op was done. I hope you find some way to reach an agreement, but there is no way to compromise. hugs, marie.
02-09-2015 15:54 #28
Did he explain why he cancelled the vasectomy? We had an accidental 4th baby because DH never got around to having his vasectomy (he has had it now) and from my experience having an unexpected pregnancy and baby isn't always smooth sailing. Yes we both love her to bits and none of us could imagine our lives without her but God some days are hard and I find myself wondering what on earth I've done. (She's 2 now so out of baby days but life is crazy busy and we are so tired).
I couldn't imagine how much more difficult it would be if either DH or I hadn't actually wanted her. That would be unbelievably tough.
Sorry but I think your husband is being selfish and a little cruel. He gives you hope with one hand and snatches it away with the other.
He needs to see it through so you can move on.
Huge hugs. It sounds awfully hard.
02-09-2015 16:11 #29
@Sonja the reason was because it was booked in over the school holidays (he is a teacher) and he didn't want it to ruin our holidays together but I don't really know when he would be able to get it done unless he took sick leave (which he wouldn't want to do).
I agree with you he is being selfish and cruel, to be honest I actually don't think he has thought about it as throughly as I have at all and doesn't really know what he wants.
It's such an awful thing to be going through and I wouldn't care if he had said from the beginning that he doesn't want another child right now but might in the future, let's revisit it in a couple of years.
02-09-2015 16:13 #30
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