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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angels4me View Post
    I never said his fathers name was more important nor did I say he would feel like he got the lesser name, I said the father has every right for his son to have his surname and that I would compromise and hyphenate that way the child has both of their names legally. How this man treats his wife has no bearing on him as a father there are plenty of men out there who are disgraceful husbands but fantastic fathers. Using a child to punish a father for cheating on his mother is not the right thing to do. Punish the father by moving on and making a great life because if he treats women like that he will end up on his own and miserable.
    I understand where you're coming from and I see your point, but I respectfully disagree. How he treats his wife/partner does have a bearing on what type of father he will be. What kind of example is he setting for his son if he behaves this way in his relationships? He sounds very manipulative. What if he was using physical violence to control the OP? Can a person be a great parent with one hand while they beat their partner with the other?

    I just feel that in this situation, the OPs partner is the one using the name against her. He's the one throwing around threats of going to court over it. I just get the impression that he's making some sort of claim of ownership and control, not that he genuinely wants to find some middle ground.

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  3. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExcuseMyFrench View Post
    I disagree.
    I'm the daughter of a man that was and still is a very questionable husband. Didn't treat my mum with the respect she deserved.

    He cheated on her repeatedly. However he never cheated on me! It's not like he went and picked another daughter over me? He still cared and looked after me and my brothers.

    Anyway I guess my point is that he still has a chance of being a good father.
    Different experiences I guess - when my dad cheated on my mum I did feel cheated on. I felt like he was willing to walk away from all of us. If my parents had ended up divorcing (they didn't) it would have meant him moving out and away from us. We were a military family too, like the OP, so it also meant he was likely to move away at some point. He knew all of this when he made his decisions so for that reason I did feel cheated.

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  5. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    This really doesn't make sense. Why is the father's name more valuable than the mother's? What makes you think that one day the kid is going to whine that he didn't get dad's name, but for some reason it wouldn't happen the other way around? What if the child grows up upset that he didn't get mum's name? Especially IF it turns out that dad skipped off and mum raised the child independently?

    OP use what surname you want. Don't be bullied by him.
    I really must not have been clear cause this is the second time I have had to explain this. I never said the fathers name was more valuable just that he has a right for his son to share his name and that comprising and having a hyphenated name would be fair and reasonable as then the child has BOTH parents surnames.

  6. #64
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    Also, I just wanted to add that I really think that the truth does ultimately come out in the end. You don't have to talk badly about his father ever, if those are the values you hold, and if you reconcile then perhaps the conversation will never come up. But if you don't, your son will ask lots of hairy questions at different stages of his life. This is all part of his story too, and, depending on his age, over his life he will put various details together. He may put 2+2 together and come up with 5, which might mean you end up sharing some details you didn't intend to so that he doesn't get the wrong end of the stick completely in a way that may hurt him or damage his relationship with his father.

    When your son is old enough he will look back on his life and know who his constant was, I have no doubt.

    Fwiw, I used to date a guy that actually changed his surname to his mum's maiden name in recognition of the fact that she was the good parent. Names are important, I believe that, and I don't think you having this dilemma has anything to do with punishing anyone, but rather looking at the big picture, seeing all the options and trying to weigh up the implications for your life and your wellbeing as well as your son's.

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    I'm back tracking here I know but, sweetheart, why on earth do you want him at the birth??

    He has no right really - No man does because after all they aren't doing the pushing!!!

    Just some things to consider...,

    Will he hold your hand in the labour suite mid-contraction??
    Will he hold you and comfort you when if you're getting an epidural?
    Will he wipe away your tears if you say how hard it is?
    Will he kiss your forehead and tell you that you're doing a great job?

    Or will he just stand back, read a magazine and say 'wow' when bub pops out??

    Find someone who can support you. This is the BIGGEST day of your life- make it the best day ever, full of fond memories. Not crappy ones where you look back with melancholy.

    I really worry for you OP. I worry that this douche is just getting what he wants from you, and you'll end up I'm the midst of some form of heartbreak and depression when he kicks you to the kerb.

    I worry that on day 3 after the birth, when all those hormones come rushing out, he'll take that as a sign of weakness and get you to agree to a whole bunch of stuff.

    Please. Please, find someone who is on your side and tell them everything. Someone who can stand up for you is they see you being manipulated by him.

    Then once bub is home, you've chosen the name rationally, you've established breastfeeding without being stressed out by him (if that's how you choose to feed), then you can decide or all your other arrangements.

    Good luck, pleeeeeeaaaaase look after yourself and bub.

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  10. #66
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    Default WWYD- Babys surname

    For those saying 'choose the name you want' can you explain how she is to do that? It's all well & good to tell OP that, but he is right in that he can take her to court. How is she just supposed to choose the name she wants without him signing off on the paperwork?

    FWIW This guy is a total douche, but I do think that hyphenating seems quite a good compromise.

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    I haven't read the replies, just the opening post, and that to me seemed like he was manipulating you.

    I'm in two minds- had the break up occurred a few months after bub was born then he would have had ex last name and the chosen name and I'm sure you wouldn't have changed it.

    However that is not the case and the situation is different ( haven't read your other posts either so going in blind)

    For first name go with the new name if you love it. if you get back together and he's an actual keeper, then I'm sure if you explain the pain that the original name had caused and the reminder of bad times then he should understand.

    For surname, I would go with your surname, not hyphenated. Fact of matter is currently you're not together at this moment. If you do get back later then you can arrange name change of surname at the same time as you get yours done ( could include naming ceremony as part of wedding) .
    You may also not be single forever so if you meet someone new you may get married and take on their surname, at which point you won't have the same name anyway unless you legally change again .

  12. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by misho View Post
    I'm back tracking here I know but, sweetheart, why on earth do you want him at the birth??

    He has no right really - No man does because after all they aren't doing the pushing!!!

    Just some things to consider...,

    Will he hold your hand in the labour suite mid-contraction??
    Will he hold you and comfort you when if you're getting an epidural?
    Will he wipe away your tears if you say how hard it is?
    Will he kiss your forehead and tell you that you're doing a great job?

    Or will he just stand back, read a magazine and say 'wow' when bub pops out??

    Find someone who can support you. This is the BIGGEST day of your life- make it the best day ever, full of fond memories. Not crappy ones where you look back with melancholy.

    I really worry for you OP. I worry that this douche is just getting what he wants from you, and you'll end up I'm the midst of some form of heartbreak and depression when he kicks you to the kerb.

    I worry that on day 3 after the birth, when all those hormones come rushing out, he'll take that as a sign of weakness and get you to agree to a whole bunch of stuff.

    Please. Please, find someone who is on your side and tell them everything. Someone who can stand up for you is they see you being manipulated by him.

    Then once bub is home, you've chosen the name rationally, you've established breastfeeding without being stressed out by him (if that's how you choose to feed), then you can decide or all your other arrangements.

    Good luck, pleeeeeeaaaaase look after yourself and bub.
    This is very good advice.

  13. #69
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    I have a friend who was given his father's surname in a very similar situation. Then his father took off with some other woman a few months after he was born and he never saw him again. My friend absolutely loathed having this awful stranger's name, but because they couldn't find him they couldn't change it. He changed it to his mum's last name when he turned 18 as his mum was the one who had raised him, always been there, and been both mother father to him, and because he had no connection to the name of the man who treated his mother so terribly and abondoned him.

    OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'd like to say that if I was in your position I'd run from this awful, manipulative, disgusting 'man', but he has you in such an incredibly vulnerable position, and he's using that to hold you right where he wants you - under his thumb. So I can understand why it would be so hard for you to leave/kick him out.

    I hope once your gorgeous baby arrives and you can build up some confidence again, that you can find the strength to leave. You and your baby deserve so much better.

    Sending you hugs & strength xo

  14. #70
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    I made the mistake of giving my bub his fathers name even when I was unsure and I regret it now. My bub is now 5months old and I am in the process of changing his full name after my gut feelings were indeed warranted. Do what your heart and head are telling you to do, use the name you want and regret nothing 😊


 

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