Do you actually want him around? I mean, without thinking about the complexity of the situation? You said if you weren't pregnant you'd leave and move on.
This whole thing should have been on your terms, but once again it's all about what he wants. What do YOU think would be best for you, keeping in mind I'm referring to you specifically since you can't control his actions or feelings.
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22-07-2015 17:53 #51
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22-07-2015 18:04 #52
I know you're emotionally wrecked right now. But I have to ask, why on earth do you want him back?? He cheated on you, treated you like ****e, and wasn't even remorseful about cheating! You're heavily pregnant, yet he selfishly dumped all this on you now. I'm not even sure I would **** on him if he were on fire and you want to take him back.
There's probably a reason I'm single...
22-07-2015 18:07 #53
Im scared im being manipulated too.. but im scared to give up to i feel like the circumstances of our relationship (14 months a part) means that we were headed for a collapse eventually, and maybe this is just a roadbump? I feel like i need to try and for some reason right now the trust thing doesnt feel like such a big deal to me, i think maybe it just seems like a good idea now that bubs is coming so soon. Then again am i being manipulated to feel that way? Gahh!!
Urgh i feel stupid just writing that.
22-07-2015 18:08 #54
22-07-2015 18:19 #55
I have been exactly where you are and know the hope that you feel, so I do understand the decisions you've made. I feel very sad for you and the position you're in, but I do feel like I understand.
I felt the same about sharing my son's last name. I get that. For me now, I feel trapped because I have the surname of someone who abandoned me but share the surname of the most important person in my world. It is incredibly bittersweet.
I know my situation doesn't have to be your situation, but through my eyes...
This man doesn't want you, or (best case scenario) doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't want you to have anyone else or move on. He is keeping his options open while drastically minimising yours.
He doesn't get to name the status of your relationship - you do. He doesn't get to say whether he is single or not - you do.
Is he in or is he out? If he was in he'd be fighting tooth and nail for you, I really believe that. You deserve that. If he was on your side he'd be giving you space and jumping through every hoop you put out for him.
I'm not trying to be rude. Like I said, I feel like I understand. I just wish someone had said these things to me. I hope I haven't overstepped.
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22-07-2015 18:28 #56
It's okay to not be ready to make a final decision right now. You know he's being horrible to you, so you're obviously not blinded by anything. And you know he's being manipulative. You know leaving wouldn't be a bad idea.
I admire you for trying.
22-07-2015 18:28 #57
22-07-2015 18:43 #58
I really don't believe the OP is doing this to punish him, in fact she has been far more calm and accommodating than most women would have been. She's not stopping contact, he'll be at the birth. I'm not sure it's fair to paint this guy as a victim.
Heplusme - give your child the surname you want, god knows he's forfeited his right. On one hand I want to give you a kind shake. You seem like a strong woman and you are letting him call the shots. He has no remorse and is telling you what you want to hear. But then I also get it. You love him, despite what he has done, he's the father of your son and you two were getting married. Of course you want it to work deep down. To believe you guys can make it.
I want you to know though, the feelings you have now of being binded to this man bc of the beautiful baby in your belly - those feelings only get worse after 2/3/4 kids. I fear that you will take him back, have another couple of kids and find yourself in the same terrible place, except with 3 children.
22-07-2015 20:16 #59Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
OP use what surname you want. Don't be bullied by him.
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22-07-2015 20:20 #60Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
Oh and FYI when I was in hospital having my first baby as an unwed mother, baby was automatically given my surname. Not officially of course, but for the purpose of matching mum to bub, he had to have the same surname as me. I remember it was written on his birth card that was stuck on his bassinet, and on his hospital bands. X was very put out when he first saw it.
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