I am a regular BH member posting anonymously.
I dont know if i want advice or just a place to put my thoughts down..
I am so unhappy in my marriage and i want to leave him but so many ppl will get hurt if i do...
I am in my mid 40s , married for the 2nd time and a mother of adult sons with 1 still at home until early 2016. we dont have children together.
My husband is their stepfather and we have been married 12.5 years, together 13.5 years.
We separated in 2009 for 4 months but got back together.
My husband is a good man- he will do anything for me, he has been through alot with me- and i know he loves me i just dont know if i am in love with him or even love him anymore.
BUT In my eyes , we are more like friends than husband and wife.
My husband isnt romantic, he isnt touchy feely, he and i have s*x maybe 2 x a month and it lasts about 5 mins. He never holds my hand when we are out, he never randomly hugs me or kisses me. I cant remember the last time he told me i was beautiful or looked nice..
The only social thing we do together is the groceries on a saturday afternoon.. he is addicted to coffee and always without fail goes and buys 2 coffees when we are shopping- he has never asked me if i wanted anything, he just goes off and gets them.
Every Monday morning he meets a friend ( male) for coffee and if for some reason he cant make it on the monday, they make it for another time.. My husband never takes me out for coffee.. (im never invited to these coffee mornings by the way)
I dont even have access to the credit card or bank account online.. I have no idea how much is in our joint account- i have asked him for access to the account online and he says no. I fill the car up with petrol and i have to say a quick prayer that there is money in the account.
reading back on this as i type it, i sound really pathetic and selfish but today im struggling with my marriage.
early next year my DS2 will be moving to Uni interstate and i will have no children at home and i am dreading it as i dont know how i will cope with it just being my husband and myself.. I have always been a SAHM raising the boys and now they are men doing their own thing-( DS1 lives 20 mins away and works full time. DS 2 is working but going to Uni next year in Melbourne)
I want my husband to want to do things with me.. I suggested going on a day trip the other day and he said oh maybe , im kinda busy, yet in 3 weeks he is going to Sydney for a week to help a mate paint his house ( and yes he can take work off as he has leave accrued, but cant ever seem to take a night off to have a date with me).. I have planned lunches out and we go out and we dont talk, we dont seem to have anything to talk about anymore. I feel like im making small talk or we eat in silence.
Ive been thinking about leaving him once DS2 moves away but then there are people in my life that will be devastated that we have broken up- my parents- they adore my husband and he does so much for them. my mother has even said that my husband is too good for me and he deserves better.. the sun shines out of my husbands butt in their eyes , so how do I take him away from them? how do i hurt my parents who ring him just to say hello ?
i fantasise about a life without my husband and i want it- i want to be happy and not miserable but how can i be that selfish?
how can i make my husband want to do things with me? I ask him can we do something together and his replies are im busy, or what do you want to do.... why cant he make a suggestion? why cant he just put his arms around me and hug me?
im 45 and I feel so unhappy, so miserable. I have clinical depression and am seeing a psychologist next week to get advice on what to do..
I dont even know why i wrote all this dribble, i guess i just needed a safe place to vent
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20-07-2015 14:01 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2015
I am so unhappy
20-07-2015 14:20 #2
Couldn't read and not say something. Firstly, don't even think about what everyone else will think or feel about you leaving if you do. Secondly, what a horrible thing for your mother to say.
As for your relationship, not giving you access to your online joint account is incredibly unfair and very controlling. Your husband sounds a bit horrible actually. One of those men who comes across as a good guy to everyone else but is actually a bit of a jerk behind closed doors.
If you don't love him and don't want to be married to him, and you can't see a way to save the marriage (or don't want to), then leave. Life is too short. Don't waste yourself on someone who doesn't appreciate you and treats you like a doormat. You don't owe him anything, even if he has helped you through bad times before. Marriages are give and take yes, but there's no tally about who owes whom.
I'm not romantic at all and shy away from physical affection with DH, but I do nice things for him to show him I love him and we like spending time together.
My mum stayed with my dad who really was/is a good guy, but she felt trapped and incredibly unhappy. She left him 3 months before I got married and is happier than I've ever seen her. She's her own woman now (she was with him from the age of 17 to 49) and says while she loves him, she felt suffocated and unable to be with him. I don't understand it but I'm happy she's finally happy. Yes, people will get hurt but they'll get over it. I could barely speak to my mum for about 2 years, particularly because of the timing around my wedding. But we're fine now. So don't worry about anyone else, you need to look after yourself.
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20-07-2015 14:28 #3
it's not about other people, it's about you.
I read your post, and for most of it, I will admit, I though Meh.. just sounds like a normal relationship that's lost it's spark kinda thing.... until I read the bit about the bank account!!! WTactualF?! How is that even remotely ok? To have absolutely no idea how much money you have access to? That's not ok. Not cool. Fair enough if you had no interest or desire to know.... but what gives him the right to say no you can't see what's in our joint account?? I mean... fair enough if he has an account that's his, and you have an account that's yours, and you don't have access to each others accounts..... but a joint account?! Not ok.
Don't worry about what other people say. It's your life not theirs.
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20-07-2015 14:35 #4
Your parents will get over it, as will your kids. My parents divorced when I was a kid and I totally get why they did and have never been angry at them. As a side, your mother sounds like a right piece of work - saying he's too good for you?
You can't live your life trying to please others. it sounds like this is what you have done thus far and you are miserable. It's time to start thinking about YOU. I also had raised eyebrows over the bank accounts. That is so not ok. I know everything we have in our savings account and what is in DH's as well.
It actually sounds to me like you still love him. I would sit down with him and demand you both attend counselling or you are moving out.
20-07-2015 14:47 #5
Other people are not part of your marriage. Just you and your dh so it doesnt matter if they will be disappointed that things ended they do not know what your marriage is like behind closed doors.
Your boys are old enough and are starting their own life. this is your chance to do what you want and be happy.
Unfortunately i understand what its like wanting your husband to notice and love you but you cant always change people when they dont want to change.
If you feel you have tried everything to save your marriage and nothing changes its time to put yourself first, you deserve happiness
20-07-2015 14:48 #6
you sound as though you've lived your whole life putting others first. as PPs have said, parents and kids will get over it if you leave your husband. I know I'd rather see my parents happy (even if it means being apart) as opposed to miserable but married.
sounds like it's time to start listening to that little voice inside that you've been ignoring for a while.
you sound very miserable with your husband and him banning you from having access to joint accounts/money, I'm flabbergasted at. is that even legal?? it's a form of domestic abuse, he's controlling you by removing any access you might have to money/freedom.
I assume any attempts to talk out your concerns have fallen on deaf ears? has he given any verbal indication of how he feels about the marriage? his actions would certainly suggest he couldn't care less.
life is too short to continue feeling like you are. make it count as the worst thing would be to be old/dying and thinking back with regret "I should've made it count when I could".
I'm not saying leaving him is the only answer but seeing as you seem to fantasize about a life without him, it sounds like a fairly inevitable conclusion.
I wish you all the best xx
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20-07-2015 15:16 #7
Big hugs - do you have something that you do for you? Work or hobby etc? Maybe look into studying even? Sounds like as pp said, you have put everyone else first all the time.
As to the relationship, no advice but maybe councelling might help you decide what to do.
With the bank account, is it a joint account (as in you both are full access signatories) or do you just have a card on his account? If it is a joint acc, then you should be able to go to a branch & set up e-banking for yourself. You could also get a balance slip from an atm if you have a card on the joint acc.
Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app
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20-07-2015 17:31 #8Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2015
Thank you for the replies, i wasnt expecting anyone to read let alone reply.
yes we have joint accounts and i dont work as i have always been at home with the boys and now they are men, with their own lives..
i know im stupid for allowing my husband to treat me like he does in regards to the bank account- i guess over the years i was so wrapped up in the boys and school and them going to their dad etc that i let it slide and now i have so much free time, im realising things that were in front of me... im ashamed to say that...
as for my marriage, i will speak to the counsellor first next week and see what he suggests regarding marriage counselling.. I dont want to leave my husband but i dont want to be this unhappy as well..
I have been a mum for 23 years now and a wife twice..... i feel as though i have lost me.... does that even make sense?
20-07-2015 17:40 #9
20-07-2015 17:41 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
I totally agree with the other posters about the financial control - that is so not on!
What I really want to say is that life is short, things can change in the blink of an eye so please go and live the life that YOU want to lead and that you deserve.
You have spent so many years being there for other people and now this is your time. Do what makes you happy - you are so worth it.
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