I already feel guilty writing this as I have been blessed by a beautiful baby girl who truly is an angel from heaven.
I've always wanted a baby since I was a little girl and we struggled with infertility for two years before conceiving with IVF last October when I was 34.
I love my daughter with all my heart but three weeks in and I'm feeling trapped and miss my old life and the freedom I had before.
My road to conception was hard and I recognise how lucky I am. IVF is horrible. I guess the reality has now set in that I have no idea when I'll next get 8 hours sleep or will be able to go out shopping by myself or even eat a meal that isn't rushed or shower without hurrying.
I also was a huge animal person before but am finding my two pets get on my nerves and I'm getting annoyed quickly with them. I never thought that would happen and it makes me sad for them 😞
I'm fortunate to have an amazing DH who does all he can to help. He's already proving to be a great father and support for me. Being the one breastfeeding means it does fall on me during the night and when he goes to work it's just me.
I don't know where exactly I'm going with this. I guess it would be helpful to hear from people who have experienced or are experiencing similar. To want to be a mother but feel it's confining at the same time?
Thank you for reading this far x
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18-07-2015 17:58 #1
Three weeks in and already struggling
18-07-2015 18:11 #2
I think it's normal to suddenly get hit with a realisation that life is soo different once kids are here and it will likely be that way for a while. That doesn't mean that you love your DD any less by recognising what you used to have was also good and it's gone now.
I struggled to let go with my kids so even now I have only been down to the local shop or out for dinner once he is in bed once without DS2 and he is 9 months. However it doesn't need to be like this. Perhaps in a few weeks express a bottle and head out on a Saturday morning for a window shop and a coffee to remember that life will be the same as old times again, one day.
And also remember a lot of mums find that they are better mums if they are not full time SAHMs and that's ok, but you've got plenty of time to settle into your groove and decide xx
18-07-2015 18:23 #3
Hi darl, I could have written your post word for word almost (adding into it being so sooo anxious about caring for a helpless little newborn, plus getting mastitis five times and making the INCREDIBLY difficult and guilt-inducing decision to eventually formula feed), and some parts of your post are still very much relevant to me. And my gorgeous DS, who I went through 5 IVF stim cycles to get, is now 16 months old!
You are not alone in feeling like this. Some of us just aren't "natural born" mothers even when it's all we've ever wanted. Being a mum is all I ever wanted too, but a lot of the time I don't like it. Sometimes I even hate it. And I have a pretty easy kid too, e.g. he's been sleeping through since he was 5 months old, and before that would only have one wake during the night. It is confining, and a huge adjustment, and if you're not feeling as comfortable in your new role as others, you feel like there's something wrong with you.
As I'm sure your aware, newborns are really bloody hard, even the "easy" ones, and it will get better. One day you will be able to have a bit of time to yourself, or take your time having a shower, or whatever. It will happen, it just might be a while off and so you need to simply take each day, hour, even minute at a time.
I can relate to the pets thing too. I had two cats who I had waited my whole life for (parents don't like pets and after I left home I was never in a position to have pets). They were my babies. Then DS came along, and they were just a PITA, even though they were extremely quiet and undemanding cats, just did their own thing. Their very presence annoyed me. I didn't even want to pat them anymore. It made me feel horribly horribly guilty because I loved them so much. In the end I had to re-home them anyway, as we moved to England when DS was 3 months old and we couldn't bring them with us. Even though I was heartbroken, I was also relieved. Which made me feel worse! So I get that feeling, totally. I reckon it'll pass though, as your DD gets older and you're not constantly feeding/changing/settling her. As long as your pets are being fed and not abused, they will survive this short rough stage.
Feel free to PM me about any of these sort of feelings/issues. I've totally been there, and as I said I still sort of am!
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18-07-2015 18:38 #4
Absolutely nothing can prepare you for motherhood. But I promise you it does get easier! Absolutely everything sucks on sleep deprivation. My kids are 1 and 3 and I still get bad nights and everything feels like it's on top of me. But a few good nights and the world is my oyster.
My advice is go to bed as early as you can. Much easier to catch up on sleep if you go to bed at 8. Write out a list of jobs your DH can do to help you.
Soon the feeding will ease off and you can have a bit more freedom. Hang in there. I find at the start it's all work with little reward!
18-07-2015 18:40 #5
What your feeling is incredibly normal. Even with my sixth bub that overwhelming tiredness kicked in. That first month is hard. It does get better and it certainly gets easier. Big hugs.
18-07-2015 18:42 #6
I think it is all completely normal. With my first, weeks 3-7 were the hardest and a real adjustment, sleep deprivation had set in and I was left thinking what have I done? Eventually I got a little more sleep and could enjoy everything a lot more xx
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18-07-2015 18:45 #7
Completely normal ☺️ just had my second who is now 7 weeks and I am even mourning my life with just 1 and missing the freedom that had and of course sleep!! But it will get better you will find your new groove soon xx
18-07-2015 18:59 #8
As everyone else has said what you're feeling is normal. I also had IVF to conceive ds1 and I remember feeling that I needed to constantly savour every moment as I was so grateful to have my much wanted baby. The reality is that you don't always feel this way and it's easy to feel guilty as you've got this gorgeous perfect baby but at times you just want to cry. Being a parent is soooo tough. I'm sure you have plenty of friends and family who gush about how amazing it is to have kids etc etc and you think "why don't I feel like that?" Rest assured that most of us have plenty of ups and downs and having a 3 week old is hard!! I've got a 3 week old too and I've pretty much cried every day for the past 3 weeks! Sleep deprivation is really hard and it makes everything seem so much worse. But things do get better!! My ds1 who is 20 months has been sleeping 12 hours since 6 months old and it's heaven! Just get through the next few months on little sleep and then things will improve.
Sending hugs and letting you know that you're not alone. Feel free to pm me at anytime as my ds2 is similar age to your baby so we will be experiencing things at same time and don't feel guilty for feeling down or resentful. Life changes so much and we all miss the things we used to be able to do. But it won't be forever and it definitely helps if you can get someone to help and give you a bit of you time, even just a quick trip to the shops alone and a coffee can be bliss! X
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18-07-2015 19:20 #9
So normal OP. Big hugs!
It's bloody hard work and there is nothing like having your first newborn. You can move from elation to grieving within a moment.
I can really relate to you realising how dramatically your life has changed. It took me a good year with DS to truly accept this. It takes time.
Be kind to yourself and hook yourself up with a mothers group - being connected with other women in the same circumstances is remarkably soothing. Motherhood can be lonely especially when your partner goes back to work. I remember reading in here in my early days "the days are long but the years fly by" - so true!
Do try to have scheduled time each day. I used to nick off to the supermarket as soon as DH got home, just to be alone.
It will get better!
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18-07-2015 19:21 #10
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