I just wanted to add that I'm not saying he shouldn't be there to see his child after he's born on the day and after as I do believe that a child has a right to a meaningful relationship with both parents when/where possible, or else it's the child that ends up missing out (yes, even with a lying, cheating A/Hole like him though I suspect by the behaviour he's been displaying thus far, he's only going to want to see his son when it's convenient for him!!).
I just meant that if you don't want him at the actual birth, perhaps he can see him, for eg, a few hours after he's born or when you feel up to it after you've recovered a little.
If that's the case, it's entirely up to you if you let him know when you go into labour or after the baby's been born, plus the nurses won't let him in to visit you if you tell them you want to know/approve all visitors in advance ok??
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16-07-2015 07:07 #51
Last edited by BlondeinBrisvegas; 16-07-2015 at 07:14.
16-07-2015 07:32 #52
Thank you everybody, my head is such a mess at the moment its so nice to read all of the advice and support.
He is currently blasting me about taking him off the hospital paperwork. He needs to wake up to himself, after the way he has treated me what did he expect? Of course i wouldnt be just sitting in the corner nodding and copping it all!
16-07-2015 07:40 #53Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2011
16-07-2015 07:41 #54
You are 100% right, he can't expect that - the fact that the does and is angry is blowing my mind.
Where is he living right now? You need distance from him, your 38 weeks, this stress can't be good for you .
It sounds like you know what you need to do - but are just having a hard time coming to terms with it?
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16-07-2015 07:52 #55
Oh well Luv..that's tough titties for him isn't it?? He's not your "next of kin" or "main contact person" anymore. Please try not to let that upset you. He'll just have to get over it IMO.
16-07-2015 08:20 #56
I spent 11 years with my first borns sperm donor, that's what I call him cause that all he is lol. He cheated on me when my son was just over 2 years old. He told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and the relationship was over ages ago but still shared a bed with me 😕. Anyways long story short, my son is now 9 years old and my life has changed dramatically. I now have 2 more beautiful kids to a man who raises my first born like his own.
Look I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. I suffered depression and anxiety and struggled for 6 months until I realised he wasn't worth crying over anymore cause I didn't want him back anyway. I still had my days after that when I cried but it wasn't over him. It was thinking no one will want me cause I have a disabled son, I can't do this by myself, I don't wanna be alone etc and all them thoughts.
My point is you are not alone and you don't deserve to be treated like that. Surround yourself with your family and friends. Don't let him live with you and try not guilt yourself into thinking it's what's best for your baby. I tried that but it hurt way too much seeing him every day. I know it may seem impossible right now but it will get better.
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16-07-2015 08:26 #57
My life is over.
Omg, he's blasting you for that??
That's right it has nothing to do with him anymore. There is no need for him to go off at you. Your not being spiteful it's just the way it is. Those kinda things don't concern him anymore.
16-07-2015 08:34 #58Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
I'm sure the DCO social workers or even VVCS will be able to support you through this. Please contact them.
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16-07-2015 08:38 #59
My life is over.
I know that conflict is going to make things harder for you with the way you're feeling at the moment. I wonder if he is thinking you are trying to punish him by using the baby? He needs to understand that the hospital stuff is not about the baby, it's about your wellbeing in the incredible emotionally and physically challenging time about to come. I don't know how he would take it, but maybe you could clarify that you will be open to discussing visitation and things but you need to get through the birth first. Maybe point out to him that although he no longer cares about your wellbeing, your wellbeing is in fact extremely important because your son needs you to be healthy and functional.
Also, how did he know you've taken him off the paperwork? You're not obliged to tell him anything you do from now on - of course you can if you wish, but he doesn't get a right to know the ins and outs of the choices you are making unless you want. You can fob him off about the birth saying you're still deciding what to do, and then just don't tell him until afterwards. If you want to.
Reading between the lines, and I say this not to upset you, it would be good to get yourself in a mindset where you don't rely on him as a father in any way. He could be a beautiful dad, or he could be the dad that is around when he feels like it or changes plans for a better offer (my FOB is all three of these things!). Make your decisions about yourself and your son.
I know contact with him is upsetting you, and I think it would be good to cut contact with him as much as possible. As you work through the stages of grief that might be easier at some times than others. I just want to remind you of this:
He didn't confess, he was caught.
Even so, you forgave him and decided you'd try and make it work.
He couldn't keep to the agreement he made and continued to see her.
HE has been the scumbag here. He is angry at himself and lashing out at you. Even if what he has said to you about his feelings for you is true, he showed you no integrity, compassion or love whatsoever. He was too gutless to have difficult conversations. Now he wants to go through the motions in a fake life with you while doing exactly what he wants. I've been there. There is no loneliness like it.
I won't say he's a bad person because I know you love him, but at the very least he has handled things in an appallingly gutless and hurtful way.
Honestly, if the messages get too much I would just write 'please leave me alone. I need space and your anger and aggression is distressing to me and our son.' You don't have to respond.
Hope you're doing ok.
16-07-2015 08:44 #60
This guy is delusional. He should be falling over himself apologising (even if he's not interested in your relationship any more most humans would have some comprehension of just how $hitty and stressful a situation he's put you in) but instead he's being mean and nasty and petty. Jerkhole!
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