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15-07-2015 13:00 #71
15-07-2015 13:21 #72Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2014
DT75's mum, if you're still reading, this is from me I don't know you, but i am lucky enough to have people in my life be honest about their feelings so I have always known others feel this way. I can't imagine how lonely a road it is to feel like you are the only mother who has these feelings.
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15-07-2015 13:49 #73Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2009
15-07-2015 14:36 #74Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
Thanks and hugs to everyone in this thread so far. It's really important to know that we're not alone. This is quite raw for me as I have just brought my newborn home from the hospital today. I'm a FTM and I'm 33. On paper we tick all the boxes for being 'ready' for kids. I don't believe you can actually be ready. I've had a great career. I've been on mat leave 5 weeks and gee it's been hard already. I know it'll be a long time before my career is the same again. If it ever is. Hubby and I had been together for 5 wonderful years before I got pregnant. We've had some amazing overseas adventures. We're financially secure. We had 2 years of fertility treatment to get pregnant so this was very much planned and plenty of time to rationalize what we were doing.
BUT we had a great life and were equally happy to stay the way we were if the ivf didn't work. It's really hard to articulate without sounding like a selfish b!tch. We wanted a baby but were simultaneously terrified of having one. I guess we succumbed to the idea that we'd regret not having a child when it was too late. I remember freaking out having the FET and then crying when I found out I was pregnant because of how my life would change and being worried throughout the pregnancy about if we were doing the right thing. Coming home today we were like what have we done. We love her, she's gorgeous but we have no idea the challenges that lay ahead and whether we will go on to regret our decision. I'm sad that I am so negative and scared of parenthood and sometimes wish I could be one of those people who just have kids without giving it too much thought. I'm lucky my DH seems to be much calmer about things so he's settling me down a bit!
I have had several friends tell me that they love their kids but if they had their time over again they'd rethink it. I think many people feel this way and it takes a brave person to admit it. Hugs to everyone struggling, I do hope it gets easier if not better overall for you.
15-07-2015 14:50 #75
Keep checking back in here, we all understand what you're going through.
15-07-2015 15:26 #76
I haven't got through every post yet but I just wanted to say that I was almost starting a thread about this very topic just last week.
I didn't because of the guilt that comes with those feelings and I think in a little way, I also didn't want to write anything too harsh when I was up to my neck with sick kids. Something I might read back on and regret.
Silly though isn't it.
Look at how many of us feel the same way. And it's nothing to do with the children, it's the thankless job and endless worry and responsibility.
Not their beautiful happy faces, it's all the rest.
I know I don't want the single life and the high flying career with endless holidays. That self-indulgent lifestyle was getting old before I settled down.
Just a bit of balance would be nice. Sure if you do too much of anything it's unhealthy, can we be too much of a parent?
I think so, especially when there's no relief.
Hugs to everyone.
15-07-2015 15:31 #77
We had no 3 and it's nearly killed me.
It took a lot to get her here and because of that I don't want to be in a position of having to consider a termination.
Still waiting for DH to get the snip.
I've done my bit.
I can hold out for as long as it takes
15-07-2015 15:45 #78
I am not the mother I thought I would be. I am impatient, selfish, lazy and so undomesticated. I hate the mother I am. Yep, my children are so very much loved, I couldn't love them more if I tried. They have a warm bed, full tummies and a mummy to cuddle but IMO, they're neglected. By me.
I wanted to be a mummy from a very young age and even now I still yearn for a fourth child. But if I had my time again, knowing what I do now, I wouldn't subject children to me.
15-07-2015 17:16 #79
My babies aren't here yet (I'm due with twins in the next few weeks) but I just wanted to say thank you to all you brave women sharing your experiences - threads like this are one of the reasons why I love BubHub.
Who knows how I will feel once I am a parent, but I certainly feel better knowing that it is normal and okay to have these feelings if they come - thank you all xx
15-07-2015 17:18 #80
But still, for someone who struggled desperately to have a child and was heartbroken at every roadblock along the way, I find that I feel like my DS deserves a lot better than the likes of me. DH gets frustrated that I'm not striving to be the absolute best mother in the world, cause he says this is the "career" I chose, and what I always wanted, why wouldn't I be giving it my all? I don't know. Honestly, I think I'm just a lazy piece of cr@p. I've never had any other career or profession because every job I do I end up hating to the point of tears, and I think that mostly comes from the fact that I just don't want to work at all. I can't be arsed with it. How disgusting is that, especially from someone who did extremely well at both school and uni and was always told how smart and talented I was.
Wow, gone off on a huge tangent there. Shutting up now.
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