I remember those days growing up saying i'd get married and have babies close together so they'd have close relationships and you can get all the pregnancy/childbirth stuff 'out of the way'.
Then we were surprised with DS at 23. It was all SO SO SO much harder than I ever thought. So demanding, so overwhelming, everything basically out of your control. I thought I was a maternal person but my lack of patience is my biggest downfall. I had a couple of friends have their first around the same time as us and they have gone on to have 2nd, and 3rd babies and I just couldn't imagine doing that at all until last year.
So no, I don't regret having DS - I just quickly realised there is no WAY I could have coped with a toddler and another baby. Which is why DS1 has just turned 5 and we are only now expecting our 2nd DS In fact, if DH and I never reunited after our separation, I would have been quite happy staying with 1 child only.
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15-07-2015 11:01 #61
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Gracie's Mum (15-07-2015)
15-07-2015 11:19 #62
I got pregnant at 21, I don't regret getting pregnant or Dd, it happened sooner then I expected but I was still thrilled once I got over the shock.
I DO regret how I went about my life after I found out I was pregnant, literally within weeks I was living with my Dp and my Dsd, we had Organised our house and car and I had savings.
In my mind it was my responsibility to create a family unit before Dd arrived but I learnt soon enough you can have all of that and lose it as quickly as it happened. There was no time to build a solid relationship before getting pregnant and trying to force one for the sake of pregnancy was a failure.
I couldn't work in my job pregnant so I had to leave, FOB was up and down with jobs and I couldn't rely on him. I remember feeling constantly alone and disappointed when I was pregnant, I let myself be defeated and still tried to make a family unit out of a dynamic that was never going to work.
Looking back I should have stayed at my parents house for longer, I should have spent 6 months studying for a qualification and I should have tried to do more for myself before Dd arrived. My pregnancy itself and my love for Dd was always there, but I knew my relationship was doomed and my living arrangements had caused me to "trap" myself yet I figured the sacrifice was worth it to give my daughter a proper family.
I eventually threw in the towel and have started our life fresh, Dd sees her dad daily, I'm finally studying and I'm finding meeting new people is doing wonders for my sanity.
I wish I hadn't of been so naive.
15-07-2015 11:22 #63
This is such a wonderful thread. I am so glad that people feel they can be open and honest- this is what we needs as mothers!
Thank you, OP, from the bottom of my heart.
I have forwarded this thread to my mother and she is in tears, knowing that she wasn't alone like she thought.
15-07-2015 11:35 #64
Good thread and good on you for being honest.
I don't much enjoy being a mum alot of the time, can be very draining and testing at times. I have 3 children, one of my kids has special needs also.
I'd have liked to do it earlier in life maybe, I was 28 when I had my first, I'm 35 now and feel old and tired haha.
I think I'll enjoy them more when maybe they aren't so dependant on me and I can relax more. Looking forward to when my DD's are maybe grown up although I don't want to wish it away or feel ungrateful.
Last edited by zoz; 15-07-2015 at 11:39.
15-07-2015 11:45 #65
Im 38w pregnant with my first right now and have just seperated from my DF who i found out was cheating on me. He has said he doesnt love me etc. My whole life has been turned upside down.
I admit that i have regretted having this baby. I never could have imagined doing this alone the way i will be. I didnt sign up for this-i had the 'perfect' life! I feel guilty for thinking it, but i cant help but wish things were different so i could move on with my life and be free instead of being tied to this man i have wasted all this time with.
15-07-2015 11:53 #66
Yes, such a great thread, thank you OP.
I think its so important that the 'you never regret the children you have' myth be dispelled.
I used to scoff at Germaine Greer and her 'marriage and motherhood is slavery' rhetoric but over the last few years I've come to understand what she's saying a bit better. I certainly do relate to her comparison of motherhood being like a caged bird, albeit a caged bird who continues to sing.
My cousin is the same age as me, studied the same course at uni with the same marks as me, and we come from similar families. I got married and had kids fairly early on and she has not. I look at her life - she has a solid career, lots of disposable income, jets off to a different european city every weekend, holidays in exotic locations, and is generally having a never ending time of her life. Then I look at me - constantly stressed about the kids and their future, and money, with a husband who has become just someone to share the house and parenting with, in a house that is constantly messy even 30mins after its just been tidied. Its very hard not to regret the choices I've made sometimes. And the point at which my life veered off in this direction of exhaustion and anxiety was when I decided to have children.
Of course I love my children more than I've ever loved anything in this world. But parents make huge sacrifices, and I think that for many people if they saw a picture of what their life would be like after kids they would think twice about taking that path.
15-07-2015 12:03 #67Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
I have many regrets. I have 3 children all just less than 2 years apart, and for me, I am not the mother I have dreamt I'd be. I am not calm, I yell, I scream, I cry, I throw things, I am so frustrated, - one always wants something, 3 kids is an uneven number.. I should know better as I am one of 3 and I hated it.. there's something not quite right with ds1 and I can't handle it.. I feel like it's my fault - and I am lashing out horribly at everyone. even his kindy teacher feels it - I am not talking to her. I wish I had more patience, was more understanding.. I DO love them, with all my being but it feels like the most unappreciative job I have ever had.. I cannot quit.. I cannot log off.. someone always wants attention in some way, shape or form and I HAVE to give it. I feel like someone else then misses out on parts of me.. So yes in hindsight if I could go back, I would have spaced them out more.. NOT fed them McDonalds as many times as I do, they would spend less time in front of the telly, I would have had ds1 assessed much earlier instead of living in denial.. I wish I had time for my hubby - but hey I don't even have time for 'me'.
Last edited by GlitterFarts; 15-07-2015 at 12:06.
15-07-2015 12:11 #68
this is a great thread. I have little to offer. I had my children when I planned to. I was young and able to manage them fine. I was a bit frazzelled when I had three under two, but things worked out ok. I am totally enjoying my grandchildren, so having my family young has been great for me. I have no regrets.
a wise older lady said to me when I was about to get married, she said "you can decide to be happy, no matter what the situation." I didn't think much of it at the time, but it is wise words. it doesn't mean you have to be happy, but it is true , you can decide . hugs, marie.
15-07-2015 12:11 #69
@heplusme I really really hope things get better for you.
Reading threads like these always fill me with so much fear. When I was 18 I hated the idea of having kids and thought I would never ever ever have any. Now at 28 I'm finding it difficult in my heart to wait. I want to have a child so badly most of the time. And the other times, I feel content waiting because I know for me, it's the right thing to do at this point.
Then there's the obvious uncertainty on how things will turn out. And the non tangible aspects of parenting that either can't be described, or can't be described well enough for it to do justice on how you feel. Those things are the things that terrify me. I don't want to regret the choices I make about having a family, but I know it's a very real possibility. We truly never know what parenting will do to us until it's time.
I admire you ladies for being so honest.
15-07-2015 12:55 #70Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
I think this such an important conversation to have and I applaud everyone who has contributed so honestly about such a taboo topic. It really is mind boggling to me that it's perfectly acceptable to regret career choices or relationships but to regret becoming a mother - something that changes our bodies, our minds, our choices is unacceptable or abnormal?
My regret really centres around my DD who is turning ten in a couple of months. I regretted becoming her mother for years, I never regretted her existence and believe that this world is better because she's in it but I always and still do to some extent regretted that I'm her mother. I struggled to connect with her until she was about four years old. I didn't fell in love with her when I first laid eyes on her, I was just shocked at what had happened and thought, gosh I hope her mother comes and gets her soon. I honestly remember very little of her first year because I was so tired and emotionally and physically spent. I wouldn't let DH near me because if I became pregnant, I would die. I remember telling DH I would kill myself if I fell pregnant again.
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