All I ever wanted was to be a mum, since I was 18. It didn't happen until I was 32, as I didn't meet my DH till I was nearly 29, then we had a pretty bad time with IVF and had to use donor sperm plus a cocktail of drugs for me to finally have success. That's how badly I/we wanted this.
But 85% of the time, I don't think I'm cut out for being a mum. At least not a mum to babies and toddlers.. I'm hoping I enjoy older kids more. The responsibility is overwhelming, I miss my freedom and solitude desperately, and even though I take very good care of my DS in terms of meeting his basic needs, I already feel like I've failed him in a multitude of other ways already, and he's only 16 months old.
That said, for whatever reason, I'm still desperate for a second child. I can't easily explain why, exactly, however I do know that unless DH and I have a massive change of heart, two will be our absolute limit. Before I had kids, and then fertility struggles, I used to say I wanted four kids but would settle for three. Now that I've seen what kind of mum I am, I do wonder if I should've even had one.
Of course my DS is still the light of my life. I love him so much it hurts. However if I'd known what parenthood would feel like for me, I may have (at least briefly) reconsidered it, instead of spending 14 years of my life desperately yearning for a baby and mentally screening every guy I dated to deduce whether they were husband-and-father material.
Thank you OP for a safe place to talk about this.
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14-07-2015 22:24 #31
Spin Off..... If I had my time over I wouldn't have had children
14-07-2015 22:38 #32
I wish i had of had your level headedness and patience back when all i could see were "babies" needed one, wanted one...
14-07-2015 22:38 #33
I do think once you have children that you have a greater obligation than meeting your own desires.
The OP already has children and is obviously a loving parent coming to grips with parenthood.
I completely empathise that it is a huge adjustment but from my experience it generally does get easier as children get older and you can start to get parts of your life as you knew it back.
From my understanding, the OP's youngest is still a baby. I really do think your perspective changes depending on your position in life.
I was only attempting to give the OP the benefit of my experience as a "career woman" who had her children later in life. I felt quite similarly to the OP when my children were babies and toddlers, it was a huge and not always happy adjustment.
The reality is though, I have many friends my age who very deeply regret not having children. Whether you like it or not, that longer term perspective can be helpful when you are struggling with parenthood in the day to day.
14-07-2015 22:41 #34
Yes! I've talked about it before on here. I'm obviously not going to return him now but if I could go back in time and not get pregnant I would.
I haven't even found it hard, I think I'm pretty great at motherhood (imho :-p), and taking a year off to be home has been like a rather nice holiday.
But it still wasn't the right choice for me.
14-07-2015 22:59 #35Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2014
@meredithgrey its not what this thread is about but why not be acceptive of someone elses support, understanding and well wishing which is only offered in good spirit?
As for me, maybe there was a regret with ds ,as he was unplanned , in a sense that the timing wasn't necessarily the best and that dh and me should have spent more time travelling . .but we adjusted. Went on to have more. Re wrote our life script..
I imagine things would have been different had we not had such easy children.. big hugs to all who are struggling.
14-07-2015 23:06 #36
Disclaimer: my ds is my everything. His contagious belly laugh, spontaneous kisses and his peacefully sleeping face bring more joy to my heart than I could ever express.
If I knew what I know now though I would have done everything in my power to not conceive him with my xh. I love being his mummy and knowing that I will always be his mum and watch him grow and feel that love he only has for me is amazing. But I dread the next 16+ years of having to co parent with someone who is only trying because he wants to look good not because he actually cares.
14-07-2015 23:14 #37
You're focusing on "getting parts of your life back" when I don't think that's what people are getting at, at all.
I can't help but feel you've missed the point.
You actually don't know that anyone's perspective will change.
And insisting that it will, or that it will just get easier when children get older is denying and minimising the very real feelings some are experiencing.
Regardless of good intentions, that isn't helpful IMO
14-07-2015 23:36 #38
Might be better just to report a couple of posts and get this thread cleaned up a bit from now so it doesn't get derailed. I think this is a very important thread and it would be great if it stayed on track :-)
14-07-2015 23:40 #39
I miss some aspects of the life I had before kids and I feel like I've lost a lot of myself by having our girls...I almost feel like I don't know who I am anymore other than "mum"
Great honest thread BTW xx
15-07-2015 05:44 #40
Firstly as a mod: Reports received. Thanks for that. All posts up to this point can stay, but all those posting from now on please be mindful that those posting in this thread are confessing some pretty deep feelings that carry a lot of guilt. That can't all be brushed over with glitter and everything made better, you know? Acceptance of the feelings of others would be more helpful than trying to change those feelings.
And now, my contribution.
I had my boys when I was 25. I struggled. A lot. But I learned to just go one day at a time, and it made my life easier. I wouldn't even look forward to events planned that were say a week away. I would look forward to it when the day arrived. I just couldn't afford to let myself think that far ahead because it would feel like I was drowning.
I realise now, looking back- that I was so so lucky that circumstances arose that allowed me to go back to work just before they turned 2. DF had to have time off from work (2 years, injury) and my old school wanted me back desperately. I ran to work with open arms and was happy. I had a longing for another baby, but DF and I discussed it and decided we were happy with just two. I learned to accept it, and I learned to be happy with it. Life was going really well; we moved, we settled into the new house, I was kicking goals at work, my boys were due to start kinder the next year, DF was back at work- we were set to bring home the bacon between the two of us.
And then I found out I was pregnant. I was so nervous telling DF. He was really good about it. He just gave me a cuddle and told me everything would be ok. DD's birth was really traumatic, and I think DF witnessing what I had to go through was a huge catalyst in him suddenly realising everything I do for our family. It's like he suddenly fell in love all over again. We got engaged, things were good.
But here I was. Stuck back at home again, with another clingy baby who doesn't sleep. So much I should be grateful for, and yet feeling so trapped. I always planned to go back to work after DD turned one, but no jobs were available. She turns 2 in a matter of weeks and still no job prospects.
As much as DD has made our lives better... I can't help but regret having her. God I feel awful typing that. I feel so terrible! I love her so much, I really do. She is adorable. But... I had accepted life with two. And for me to say well having my boys was ok but having DD pushed me over the edge... I feel like I'm about to go to hell! I suppose it's like what ZE said- had I of known what life would be like before she came into being, I would have chosen not to. Now that I know what she is like and I love her, I couldn't possibly live life without her. It doesn't stop me from sometimes regretting accidentally falling pg, though.
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