Is this really possible? Has anyone done this?
Dh and I have been having issues for a long time and in the last year been talking about separating. This weekend I think we have decided to go our separate ways once our house sells.
In reality he is a nice guy no physical or emotional abuse. He is a great dad and in a good paying job and I know he will always provide for his kids if we are not together... we just dont love each other anymore.
Deep down there is still love for each other but neither one of us seem to want to get it back. I have zero feelings for him he even said it is like we are distant friends..
Has anyone else just stopped caring for their partner and walked away?
Can a seperation still be relatively friendly?
To add more to it we work together and really we work better together in the office than at home. I want to leave my job but then I will be a single unemployed mum and it is so hard to get a job in this town unless you know someone and he wants me to stay until I have another job but who knows how long that will be.
Any advice would be appreciated but thanks for reading and letting me get this out
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12-07-2015 12:22 #1
12-07-2015 12:39 #2
Yes it is possible.
I have one. It has been turbulent and has taken us a while to get here. We still have issues that rear their heads at times, but as a general description, yes it is a friendly separation. We still spend time together, travel together, and check in with each other most days. We still care about each other (well most of the time anyway!). Co-parenting has its challenges, but it would anyway I think.
Having said that, I still went through an intense period of grieving. It wasn't easy as just walking away even though it was the right thing to do. It took time to get to that point, and even longer to accept that this is my life now. A year and a half later I am finally in an ok place.
So in summary, yes, it is possible, and it is a good ideal to aim for IMO. Good luck, and I hope you are ok.
12-07-2015 12:44 #3
Thanks @harvs I feel like I spent the last few months grieving the end of the relationship and have now entered acceptance (with a hint of denial) its just making that big step which I think will happen when we sell the house.
I realise we will have our issues and disagreements but I think on a whole we will get along
12-07-2015 15:46 #4
We have tried counseling but he wasn't interested so I went on my own which helped me in other areas.
As for working together, we have only been doing that a few months and I am not there full time. Our relationship seemed to be getting better because we had something in common to talk about.
Trying to rekindle things would be nice but its so frustraing when only one person is trying. I dont know if I can put all my love into someone and open myself up again to just be let down again. Thats what stopping me from trying again
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12-07-2015 15:51 #5
yeah I have a few friends who have managed exceptionally friendly separations. where they basically decided that they still care for each other but dont really want to be married so they call it quits while they are still friends and still like each other.
You will always be parents together so its really important to work on being friends.
12-07-2015 16:17 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2009
My mum and dad are best friends although seperated. Together they are turbulent but apart they are the best buddies. It makes everyone's lives so much easier and its fantastic to keep a friendship going. Things change romantically, but being in a life long friendship is always nice. Hope everything works out for you OP 😊
12-07-2015 20:47 #7
Thanks ladies, its reassuring to hear from others.
I still dont know if I should keep working at the same place but until our house sells i wont make any major decisions.
But I know I can walk away knowing I tried my hardest
17-07-2015 10:44 #8
If you are both happy with the separation, you can both remain friends and co-parent well. I have friends that do.
BUT ... you must finalise everything and put everything in writing and lodged with the Courts. ie financial separation and ESPECIALLY the arrangements with the kids.
I worked in a legal office for many years. There were heaps of people who separated amicably and got along fine UNTIL one or other other re-partnered. Then the **** hit the fan. Then there were huge legal bills, bitterness, arguments, nastiness.
Discuss the children's issues/visitation/living arrangements NOW before you separate. DON'T WAIT. Once the paperwork is lodged with the Courts there is a much greater chance you two will come out of this on the other side as friends.
19-07-2015 07:49 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
You have to do what makes you happy !! Having a friendly separation would be best for the kids. You do need to discuss things like money/access/decision in regards to the children as these are areas that are going to cause contention... you probably need to discuss what happens when one of you gets a new partner/dating etc.
It would take ALOT for me to leave the father of my children. For me once I have children they come first and I couldn't stand not seeing my children every day so I can't even imagine having split custody even if my other half only had them every second weekend. Unless my husband was abusive I wouldn't leave. Even if I had fallen out of love with him I'd muddle through. There's more to happiness and life than being in love with the person you're living with. I'd do everything in my power to rekindle the love by having date nights, family time etc. That's me though and I don't judge anyone who thinks differently.
The end of the day you need to do what is right for you and your partner. I believe it is possible to have a "Friendly separation" as long as both of you have a sensible head screwed on your shoulders.
19-07-2015 08:19 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2006
Personally I think there's more to life than being flatmates with your 'true love' for the rest of your entire long life.
OP just a word of warning. Many people plan a 'friendly separation'; but it often just doesn't happen. So just don't get your hopes up too high.
My X walked out on us, but for the first week he was very supportive. Then he just turned, was very very very nasty for a few months. He is now back to his 'normal' self, which is- amicable, as long as he's getting his own way. The problem is, when it comes to kids, there are high emotions involved from both parties, so there is bound to be a bit of bickering, especially when making decisions re. the kids. Dividing money and assets that people have worked for their whole lives can also get emotional, but at least once that's over, it's over. The kids thing is long-lasting though.
So although a 'friendly separation' (I think the term 'amicable separation' is slightly more realistic) is possible, just be aware that it doesn't always happen the way you plan.
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