Mam would expect visits or to be asked around to her grandkid's house. She would text or ring to ask when she was seeing them next or if she felt she wasn't being included enough she would hold a stand off and see how long it took my siblings to contact her.
That can go on for months.
My MIL hasn't ever done this.
Granted we are living in different countries but even with regards to phone calls or skype, she never asks but is always available when we have the time to make that call.
As of February this year she has a new grandchild. Her only daughter had a baby and I hear she's been really involved with him. Going over to her daughter's house every second day to help out with whatever needs doing.
I wondered if maybe she'd be feeling a little more content now she's getting a baby fix in real life rather then over skype and photos but she's actually missing our children more now. Probably all the more aware of what she's missing out on.
Here we are with two grannies only dying to get the chance to be great grandparents and we are denying them that chance, yet some have grandparents on their doorstep that just don't don't want to be pestered with their grandchildren.
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Results 11 to 20 of 54
09-07-2015 10:17 #11
09-07-2015 11:33 #12
I hope I am just like my MIL. She is kind, loving, compassionate, respects our roles as parents, she is there when we need her and doesn't crowd us. FIL is the same.
My MIL is mother than a MIL to me, she is a friend. I truly value her friendship and love her.
I lost my mother when I was 20 so my MIL has taken on the motherly role to me.
09-07-2015 12:24 #13
Get to know each other as people not just our respective relationship to the partner.
Don't talk to DILs through children "silly mummy isn't she" is not appreciated even if it's not intended to be hurtful.
Don't discuss our parenting choices with everyone who will listen. It's none of their business. Especially with other family members you've sat in front of us and bagged out
Continue being the loving, caring grandmothers and mothers they are. I'm secure knowing if anything ever happened to me, my boys would be loved and supported no matter what.
The Following User Says Thank You to TheGooch For This Useful Post:
09-07-2015 13:27 #14
How to be a good MIL?
Biting of the tongue is essential.
If you disapprove of your son's girlfriend, keep it to yourself, because who knows, they may actually end up getting married and having your grandchildren!
Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 09-07-2015 at 13:35.
09-07-2015 17:01 #15
My MIL was going through menopause when DH & I first met, so she was very volatile and unpredictable for a long time. I don't hold that against her, but it does mean that I have always felt very uneasy around her as I'm always afriad that I'll say or do something that will set her off. She also spent a long time acting like I was an intruder, and like I wouldn't be around for long. And she can never admit her own role in the dramas she creates. But I bite my tongue and play nice for DH's sake. We see them very rarely so it's not too bad.
It's just so weird to me as both of my previous "MIL's" from long term relationships absolutely loved me, and we kept in touch for years after the relationships were over.
I think the reason that I got along so well with the previous MIL's was because they were very open and welcoming, they never gave unsolicited advice, and they took the time to get to know me. I loved them and really felt like they were a second mum to me.
I hope that if DH & I can role model a good relationship, and teach our DS to have respect for himself and make good choices, that he'll pick a lovely woman/man to marry. Si that will make being a good MIL much easier! I also think the key is to have your own life, don't give unsolicited advice, take the time to get to know your DIL/SIL, and always remember that there are 2 sides to every story - your child is not perfect and can be at fault in marital disputes with their partner!
The Following User Says Thank You to Frankenmum For This Useful Post:
09-07-2015 17:53 #16
I am a MIL myself to my DD1's partner of 6 years, and am a DIL myself to a MIL who by her own admission 'Is always going to be a mum'. MIL has 2 sons, my DH and a younger brother, aged 34 still single, living with mum and extremely co-dependent.
I have found having a relationship with MIL difficult. She NEEDS to parent my DH. MIL had extreme difficulty letting go and said some unkind things behind my back because I didn't fit the pre concieved mould she had in her mind of how her DIL should be. I see MIL maybe twice a year.
In my DD1's case, I am absolutely paranoid not to step on her partners toes, as I don't want to be 'that' MIL. I never just pop in on them, I always call/text first, as I respect their personal space and privacy. Its not just DD's home, but her boyfies as well, and I respect that.
I don't ever wish to put my DD1 off side. Ever.
The Following User Says Thank You to Cicho For This Useful Post:
09-07-2015 19:29 #17
How to be a good MIL?
My relationship with my MIL has improved a lot over the years.
She used to make a lot of annoying comments (advice) when my son was born. I just consistently shut her down ' that's not what they recommend these days' and didn't take offence. She's much better now and is very helpful to us. She's happy to look after the kids if we need and she loves them and they love her.
Which is the most important thing to me, even if she irrits me, the kids love her and that's more important to me.
I hope when I'm a MIL my DIL will be able to see past any clumsiness in my navigating a new role and focus on what's really important.
So my advice to my future MIL self is love your Grandkids and show it.
Last edited by NoteToSelf; 09-07-2015 at 19:36.
The Following User Says Thank You to NoteToSelf For This Useful Post:
09-07-2015 19:34 #18
My MIL wasn't all that bad UNTIL dh and i had our first baby. Then i suddenly became invisible. She literally barely says two words to me or my dh when she visits. It's all about our son.
When he was newborn and sleeping she would forever be trying to wake him up. She would take him from other people in group situations like dh's soccer games.
At his first christmas at dh's aunties house she kept going to check on him during his nap straight after i had, after i told her not to. She exposed him to chicken pox at 10 weeks old cos she just couldn't not hold him. At his first birthday party she was ALWAYS crowding him. It was hard for anyone to get near him.
Her other son came to visit after her not seeing him in a year and a half - she barely spoke to him, just played with our son the whole time. It was disgusting.
I understand he's her first grandchild, but she acts like he's her child. She's a smoker and big drinker as well as a pot smoker. I hate that she gets in his face and breathes all over him. She never listened to my requests to coverup her stinking clothes, or put up her long stinking hair so my newborn didn't have to breathe it in. It would take dh asking her 2-3 times for her to do it. I could go on and on and on.
Point is, things changed in a huge way and at that time i let her get away with it as i didn't know how to handle the situation. It caused mass fights between dh and i, still does. Am now 28 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and i am not afraid to speak up this time. She better watch herself cos this DIL will not be letting things slide this time!!
The Following User Says Thank You to meandmyboys82 For This Useful Post:
09-07-2015 20:28 #19
My MIL is a nice person and a doting grandmother. She never used to bother me until we had kids and we now see her a lot more than we used to. She's great as she looked after DD 3 days a fortnight when I was back at work and continued to look after her 1 day a week when I had DS.
But she has said on no uncertain terms that she is not going to discipline DD and will offer her treats (food) whenever she wants and won't battle with DD if she says she wants a lollipop or ice cream instead of her lunch. This has really got my back up as it makes life much harder for me when I tell her a lollipop isn't lunch food and she goes into full meltdown mode.
We get along but I feel she never really listens to me, she's in her own little world of dreaming about winning the lotto (she talks about it a lot).
I've often said that I want to write a letter to grandmother and MIL me to read in the future about what to do and what not to do when my kids get married and have their own children. I don't want to be hated by my DIL and SIL or annoy the crap out of my kids.
I do worry that's kids will marry people that don't treat them well but I will try not to have an idea in my head of who they should marry and just have one criteria - if they make my kids happy, that's all that matters.
The Following User Says Thank You to A-Squared For This Useful Post:
09-07-2015 20:29 #20
Let your child chose who they're going to date.
Respect their decisions.
Have empathy for your child-in-laws situation. Try to understand their position.
Don't 'mother' your adult child. Don't tell your child-in-law how to mother your adult child. Don't tell you child-in-law how to mother your grandchildren.
Don't sit in the car with your DIL and tell your daughter how great her ex-boyfriend was and how she should have stayed with him because you're finding it hard to come to terms that your daughter has found a girl who loves her more than life, supports her through everything and can give her the same life that the very best man could...
Oops... Did I start ranting?
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