Hooley dooley Ditto to what everyone else has said. I feel sorry for the poor DIL, no wonder she seems 'stressed' during visits. OP you really need to take a step back and get your own life, or you are just going to drive them away. Your son was happy for you to visit for weeks before his wife.... bc he had no wife. You would see claw marks down the walls if my MIL (or my mother for that matter) stayed for weeks. That would be my own private hell.
If you want to see your grandchild, stop seeing your DIL as stealing your son and some kind of weird competition for his affections, and start respecting their boundaries. It seems you are in a vicious cycle where they feel suffocated by you and are pushing you back, which is making you come on even stronger, which is making them take further steps back. Your son is middle aged, not a child. You still speak of him like he's 18. Please respect his wife and their relationship and you will find she'll be much easier to get along with.
And I should add that I think the reason why you've got quite direct responses OP is we are married women in our 20's/30's/40's with young children. Like your daughter in law.
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08-07-2015 18:12 #31
Last edited by delirium; 08-07-2015 at 18:15.
08-07-2015 18:16 #32
Just message them offering your support and asking if they need any help. Offer to stay elsewhere when you visit.
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08-07-2015 18:31 #33
The idea of a family member or in-law staying for weeks at a time when I bought my first baby home from hospital would be a definition of hell. Those first few weeks alone with your baby and your partner are stressful enough without having to accommodate someone else in your house. Having your in-law watch over your shoulder as you go through the enormous learning curve of baby basics (eg nappy changing, feeding, bathing etc) would be a huge impediment to the bonding experience and would create a HUGE amount of stress all round. When I think about those first few weeks with a newborn I spent most of the time with a b00b out trying to master breastfeeding - I didn't even want to do that with my Mum around let alone an MIL!! I was also recovering from stitches so the conversation between me and DH would be quite basic at times, again, not something I would want to do in front of anyone else.
As a general rule, if you visiting people with a newborn visits should be short (eg 15-30 minutes) and at an agreed time. The most supportive thing you can do for your son and DIL is to book accommodation elsewhere and limit your visits to 15-30 minutes a day. Being supportive is not about what you want to do, it's about how you can best help the situation and insisting on staying with them for weeks at a time when they have a newborn is the best thing you can do to drive your son and DIL away from you.
08-07-2015 18:34 #34
It sounds to me like they have been very accommodating. Going to the expense and effort to get a home that will accommodate you in your own space is great, surely it would be nice for your own comfort to have that?
I think I can understand where you're coming from and and I'm sure you have the best of intentions, but they do need their space. She didn't just marry into his life, he married into hers as well. That means they need time together, time with her family, time with their baby - as well as time with you. I'm sure that if you can make some allowances for them (like staying in the MIL accomm, giving them some time during the pregnancy & newborn phase) they will happily have you visit.
I can see why the DIL might feel a bit put out or suffocated by regular long visits in her home. The best way to have a meaningful relationship with your grandchild is to have a respectful and positive relationship with their mother.
08-07-2015 19:00 #35Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
08-07-2015 19:05 #36
I somehow don't think OP will back. It's a shame :-(
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Little Miss Sunshine (08-07-2015)
08-07-2015 19:13 #37
Wow, time to cut the apron strings!
08-07-2015 19:14 #38
it certainly can be hard when your relationship that you have always had changes, but you also need to expect that as your son grows into the adult you raised him to be, that your relationship needs to change to accommodate those changes.
Him finding a wife, and having his own family means that your relationship will change. Forging the path isnt always easy, but there needs to be give on both sides.
Given that him and his new wife bought a place that acomodates and caters for you to stay is a pretty good indication that they value your visits, that they WANT a good relationship with you.
But you also need to step back and let them work things out for themselves as a new family too. This one isnt all about you - its all about them.
And if you want a relationship with your grandchild, you need to give them space to work this out for themselves.
08-07-2015 19:40 #39
Op did your MIL behave this way with you? How would you have felt?
08-07-2015 20:11 #40Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
I was going to be a bit more delicate but seeing as you feel "sorry for our generation", OP, I will be as straightforward as you appear to have been when you "made it clear" to your DIL that she wouldn't get between you and your son.
You don't own your son. You don't own your grandchild. You don't control your DIL. You have no rights to demand to see any of them at any time.
They way you have written about your son and DIL is disturbing as you seem to think that you are the central figure in their own new family. You are not.
You seem oblivious to the strenuous demands that you have placed on them to date. You have dismissed their concerns and ignored gentle hints that you refrain from inserting yourself in to their lives.
I strongly suggest that you seek professional help to form a realistic view of the situation and your behaviour.
An apology to your son and DIL for repeatedly imposing on their hospitality wouldn't go astray either.
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