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  1. #11
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    this will sound awful but I felt suffocated just reading your post. No wonder they feel like this. You're going to have to accept that your daughter in law is your son's #1 priority now, not you, you're 3rd on the ladder after then baby and her. Be grateful they even let you stay because if my mother in law was this pushy I'd be the same. You can't DEMAND they have a duty to look after you. The way you're going about this you will get diddly squat in all areas. I don't know any newly married couple that would want their in laws over for weeks on end. Your daughter in law is setting boundries. respect them and she'll probably meet you half way.

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  3. #12
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    Wow

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  5. #13
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    Honestly, I would freak if my OWN mother talked the way you have, let alone my Mother in Law. I can't stand people staying with me, it stresses me beyond belief and having a newborn baby would just about tip me over the edge - although you have a separate area and this bothers you - yet for your family it is probably the most thoughtful thing they could have done.

    They are married, they are now having a baby, you are not the priority in either of their lives at this point despite the fact that you seem to so clearly want to be. It's not that they don't care, there has been a shift in the relationship due to your son growing up, getting married and having his own family. It's not personal, it's not brain washing it's called moving on and growing up.

    If I was your daughter in law or even your daughter and you were carrying on like this we would have a strained relationship at best. I can only suggest you back right off and let them cherish this time before you damage the relationship with them all irreparably.

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  7. #14
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    There is a difference between being a part of their lives and taking over their lives though!

    I think you need to sit back and think about how you would feel in their position, I think they are being very accommodating and yet you seem to think this still isn't enough, when in their house you need to respect their wishes otherwise the option is you don't visit, at this stage I think that would be a win for them, a lot less stress when your daughter in law is pregnant and a brand new mum is what I would be wanting if I was in her position too!

  8. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by grandmatobe2015 View Post
    I was not expecting such a very negative response. Before my son got married, I used to visit him for weeks at a time and did all the laundry and cooking. I supported him as a loving mother would. I have tried to make changes to give them space and just want to help them around the home and with looking after their baby. I just did not expect to be treated as an inconvenience and am worried about not spending enough time with my grandchild. I am taking all of your advice on board and appreciate the time you have taken to write it.
    I dont think you are being treated as a inconvenience.
    Everything you have written sounds exactly like my MIL and guess what darn right there is tension between us because she will not back off when asked. If you want a relationship with your grandchild id change your attitude and the way you are viewing your DIL. If your son or DIL want your help, they'll ask for it.
    I think the last thing you want to become is the Monster-In-Law.

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  10. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by ICanDream View Post
    Honestly, I would freak if my OWN mother talked the way you have, let alone my Mother in Law. I can't stand people staying with me, it stresses me beyond belief and having a newborn baby would just about tip me over the edge - although you have a separate area and this bothers you - yet for your family it is probably the most thoughtful thing they could have done.

    They are married, they are now having a baby, you are not the priority in either of their lives at this point despite the fact that you seem to so clearly want to be. It's not that they don't care, there has been a shift in the relationship due to your son growing up, getting married and having his own family. It's not personal, it's not brain washing it's called moving on and growing up.

    If I was your daughter in law or even your daughter and you were carrying on like this we would have a strained relationship at best. I can only suggest you back right off and let them cherish this time before you damage the relationship with them all irreparably.
    It sounds a bit like she is jealous of her daughter in law doesn't it?!?!

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  12. #17
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    Oh man, would I love to hear your DIL's version of the story.

    In all seriousness - being demanding and encroaching on their personal space, boundaries and relationship is going to end up very badly for you. Please take a step back and allow them to focus on their own family. If you back off a bit and respect them, they will probably invite you to be a part of their lives.

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  14. #18
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    I read this OP and wasn't sure if it was real or not, but given that you have responded I will give you the benefit of the doubt :-)

    Yes, the replies have been very negative and I think there is a reason for that. I'm glad to read that you are taking on opinions and I thank you for not responding in a defensive way. I will be honest too, but will try not to be too blunt.

    Can I ask how long your son has been married for? If he is 40 now, then you have been a big part of his life for a long time, and it sounds like you derived a lot of pleasure from looking after him well into adulthood.

    I wonder if you are grieving the change in your relationship now, and are searching for reassurance that you are still meaningful in his life?

    To be honest, if you were to ask him to choose between you and his wife/daughter, then I expect he would choose them. I know that hurts, but it is the circle of life in some ways, and I know that deep down you know it wouldn't be healthy for your adult son to be completely dependent on you. I know that what I want for my son is to raise him to be skilled, independent and for him to find happiness, whatever form that takes. I imagine you would feel the same.

    I feel that your family is trying to send you messages because they don't want to upset you, because they do value you, and perhaps because conversations in the past haven't gone so well? I would take their gesture to provide a place for you to stay that isn't 'underfoot' as a huge gesture of love and a compromise to enable you to spend time with them but avoiding some frustrations they may be feeling (ie maybe interfering in the kitchen, commenting on cleanliness, different waking/sleeping hours etc).

    I can tell you love your family very much. The way I see it, they are being very clear with you. If you can be open to their thoughts then perhaps you could all clear the air before the baby's born. Maybe you could express your fears of losing their presence in your lives.

    If not, I would be clearing my mind of all negative thoughts about your DIL and finding a way to get along with her in a way that is genuine and shows you value her as part of your family. If that means biting your tongue sometimes then bite your tongue.

    And with a newborn - what the parents say is final. If they're not ready for a houseguest, then you need to accept that.

    There are lots of ways to stay regularly in touch - Facebook, Skype, etc. Maybe you could look into these so you still can stay in touch with their daily lives.

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  16. #19
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    Well I have certainly learned my lesson and will not turn to the internet community for advice. Thank you at least to those who were sensitive in their responses and did not attack me calling me a Monster-in-Law and a troll. I have never demanded anything from my children and only want to give them my time and love. I am sorry for your generation and I hope that your children will treat you better.

  17. #20
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    Arghhhhh this could be my MIL except that she doesn't stay with us .. EVER!
    She is overbearing, interfering, she ignores my requests when it comes to MY child in MY home. If you are for real you better change your attitude quick smart or you will lose them all together. We see dh's mother once every 4-6 weeks and that is a chore for me. We no longer see or talk to his father because he chucked a tanty because we weren't visiting them every week.
    Um hello? We both work full time, we need our family time too. They think the world revolves around them. OP sounds the same.
    Last edited by Mod-Nomsie; 08-07-2015 at 17:38.

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