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  1. #1
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    Default Telling the Bio mother

    To put it simply, I am pregnant and wish to let my stepkids' bio mum know before we tell others.

    Mainly because I feel this will be confronting- she can't have more kids, she is single, her kids will have a sibling she didn't give them, her ex is having a baby, etc.
    Also, I don't want her to find out from the kids- that would be horrid.

    Two options:

    a) Face to face- but don't want to put her on the spot. It will be a big shock to her (she believes that her and H's hard pregnancy journey was due to his "equipment" and refuses to acknowledge/believe that is was mainly her). Also my emotions are all over the place, and if she gets upset/aggressive (she is not an in control person) I will too.

    b) Email- gives her time and space to deal with it without having to see us. Means we can tell others the same weekend and not cause offence, and avoid a slip where she tells the kids before we do. Seems impersonal and like I want to distance her though..

    Either way, I will be discussing how I wish to include the kids, how she feels about their inclusion, etc.

    Thoughts? Other ideas?

    Yes, H should be the one to do it, but they have a really bad relationship at the moment and I am not entirely sure she wouldn't blab to ruin his plans, before realising she was doing it to me and the kids too.

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    I would go b.

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    This isn't my section but does she check her email frequently? Imagine if she didn't check her email and you announced!

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    I think it's great you are considering her. Do you really think she would react badly though? I am sure she would probably be expecting it at some point, if you are childless and married to her husband. Also, I see by the ages of your step kids that it is quite likely she has moved on from the baby stages. I know for me, if I were in that position, I would be more inclined to think 'good luck to them' and be glad it wasn't me experiencing sleepless nights for a second time round.

    I would be more inclined to send the email as I wouldn't want her blabbing it out to the step kids before you guys got a chance to tell them. Also, if she does take it badly it will give her time to reflect.

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    Is there a reason DH isn't telling her? I got my DP at the time to tell his children and their mother. He sent her a text first something like 'Hey when is a good time to call the kids, we have exciting news to tell them!'. It obviously alluded to a baby so she got time to let it sink in then told him a time and he called.

    I would go with option b but like Monnie said-what if she doesn't read it?

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    Maybe a phone call? You could do it while the kids are with you (but not in the same room) and let her know that you'd like to tell the kids while they're with you. That way if she gets upset or aggressive you can just say "you're obviously upset by this news, I'll let you go for now and we can talk later once you've had some time" and end the call. Less confrontational but less impersonal than an email.

    That way you can tell the kids yourself and she will also hear it from you before the kids get a chance to spill the beans.

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    Quote Originally Posted by monnie24 View Post
    This isn't my section but does she check her email frequently? Imagine if she didn't check her email and you announced!
    I email her via her work email, which she checks every other hour or so. I'd email her on the Friday, and we'd announce the Sunday

    Quote Originally Posted by Barnaby View Post
    I think it's great you are considering her. Do you really think she would react badly though? I am sure she would probably be expecting it at some point, if you are childless and married to her husband. Also, I see by the ages of your step kids that it is quite likely she has moved on from the baby stages. I know for me, if I were in that position, I would be more inclined to think 'good luck to them' and be glad it wasn't me experiencing sleepless nights for a second time round.

    I would be more inclined to send the email as I wouldn't want her blabbing it out to the step kids before you guys got a chance to tell them. Also, if she does take it badly it will give her time to reflect.
    Yes, she reacted badly when we told her we would start TTC in Sept this year. Eventually accepted it. So this will be a shock.
    They had a really rough time of TTC so I think that will influence the reaction quite a bit. Also she just has a personality that is very "react now, deal later".

    Quote Originally Posted by Chillies View Post
    Is there a reason DH isn't telling her? I got my DP at the time to tell his children and their mother. He sent her a text first something like 'Hey when is a good time to call the kids, we have exciting news to tell them!'. It obviously alluded to a baby so she got time to let it sink in then told him a time and he called.

    I would go with option b but like Monnie said-what if she doesn't read it?
    Yes, I explained that at the end of my post.
    We will be telling the kids during our time with them, not hers.
    I use her work email which she checks regularly.


    Quote Originally Posted by Cue View Post
    Maybe a phone call? You could do it while the kids are with you (but not in the same room) and let her know that you'd like to tell the kids while they're with you. That way if she gets upset or aggressive you can just say "you're obviously upset by this news, I'll let you go for now and we can talk later once you've had some time" and end the call. Less confrontational but less impersonal than an email.

    That way you can tell the kids yourself and she will also hear it from you before the kids get a chance to spill the beans.
    We are only supposed to call in emergencies. All other communication is by face to face or email.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cue View Post
    Maybe a phone call? You could do it while the kids are with you (but not in the same room) and let her know that you'd like to tell the kids while they're with you. That way if she gets upset or aggressive you can just say "you're obviously upset by this news, I'll let you go for now and we can talk later once you've had some time" and end the call. Less confrontational but less impersonal than an email.

    That way you can tell the kids yourself and she will also hear it from you before the kids get a chance to spill the beans.
    This is great advice

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    Quote Originally Posted by monnie24 View Post
    This is great advice
    See above you

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    I liked Cue's suggestion, but now you've explained the situation with phoning I'd probably go for the email option.

    It gives her a chance to process the news without being put on the spot.

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