Only child - dilemma !?
So our daughter turned 2 a month ago, and of course the questions are rolling in,
'So, when's the next one coming? '
"She needs a play mate now!"
"Better get cracking, you don't want to leave it too long!"
And I thought by now, I would just be ready and wanting another child.....
But whenever I think of doing it all over again, I am overcome with fear and dread.
Yes I did have severe post natal depression, but aside from that, I'm just super happy with how things are now. I've never felt so happy, we have a great life and a great balance.
It's not because of the birth, but because I'm just very content, very happy, and not one ounce of me craves another baby.
It's sad but I am not as maternal as I thought I would be.
And whenever my partner is hinting to 'start trying' and making comments such as "but you'll be pregnant by then!" when we are planning things in the very near future, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I can't explain it.
I really need to talk to someone. I don't know where to start, or where to go.
Partner definitely wants another one. And wants one now.....
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 19
21-06-2015 14:13 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
Stopping at one child
Last edited by MummaJugs3; 21-06-2015 at 14:28.
21-06-2015 15:21 #2
I could have written this although my DS is only 9 months.
I'm seriously thinking at this point that he'll be it.
DF's family all said one day "you can't have just one" or "don't be silly, he'll turn out spoiled if you only have one" so much so that I felt completely inadequate.
So I've hidden my feelings deep down, including from DF.
Some days I feel differently, but then it's the same again.
The point is, you've got some mixed emotions. The time will come when you and your DH do need to talk about it so it might pay to get some help to sort through your feelings.
I'm not as maternal as I'd hoped. There are many days I'd prefer to be at work than at home with him and I hate myself for saying that. But it's how I feel sometimes.
I'd try a counsellor or psychologist to help you decide what your feelings mean, so you can talk to your DF.
Maybe there are things you as a family could do differently second time around. I don't know.
Best of luck.
21-06-2015 15:28 #3Junior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
Thanks for saying hi!
Glad I'm not alone.....
I guess I should have mentioned that my partner and I have discussed this. Many times. It usually ends in an argument and with me in tears.
He knows my feelings yet he thinks it's just a phase I'm going through, and that once I have another one I will 'see how good it is'. Or I will regret it in years to come.
21-06-2015 15:34 #4
Stopping at one child
I am happy with my one. However if I were to repartner and my new fella had his heart set on one more I think I would (although there would be some heavy conversation first!).
I just wanted to pop in and say that you don't need to think of 'good enough' reasons for not wanting more children. It's enough that you feel happy with one.
It's such a minority view point in today's world, and to some people it may be an alien concept as much as it may an alien concept to you that some people want 14 children! But you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.
The fact that your partner is hinting so much is a sign to me that you really need to be brave and have a conversation together. Just remember, how you feel right now might not be how you feel forever. Or then again, it might! Only you know that.
But I do know from my time on the hub that can life can become a bit challenging when one parent wants to stop and the other wants to keep going, so better not to put that discussion off imho.
Can I clarify what you mean by needing to talk to someone? Do you mean a support person or are you thinking of a professional? Because you seem to me that you are clear in your heart how you feel, it's just the weight of expectation from others that is causing you to doubt yourself?
ETA I just read your follow up post. If you aren't having much luck communicating about this, could you either get counselling together, or agree to think about it for a specified time ie 6 months on the proviso that he not bring it up?
No good comes from pressuring a person either way, I believe. Good luck :-)
21-06-2015 15:48 #5
Stopping at one child
I wrote an almost identical post when my dd was almost 2 - but DH wasn't ready either too! I honestly never comprehended wanting another after dd even though we planned on 2.
Then a whoopsie moment happened and now we are expecting number 2- it took a couple of weeks for the shock and panic to wear off but we are both super excited now.
So I'm letting you know you are not alone and completely normal to feel like this, but also that it's possible your feelings may change in the future - if needed xxx
You still have time to decide, and wait , 2-3 is a small age gap these days!
Don't be pressured but don't ever say never either
Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 21-06-2015 at 15:51.
21-06-2015 15:58 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
I think it's very healthy to be able to look at your life and recognise that you are happy right now. It's so often that we focus on the future and our goals that I recognising when it's time to stop and enjoy is really hard to do.
I'm trying to learn to be more like you. I'm desperate for a second but it hasn't been working out and I'd be much happier if I could appreciate the great life I had now.
It sounds like at the very least you need time to figure this out. Maybe the most important question for you and your partner is whether it's a deal breaker for either of you and you can work it out from there. It may be that his longing for a second child is such that you could come around to it but need a year to enjoy the status quo. Or, that you don't want kids to the point where he can come around to it.
21-06-2015 16:02 #7
I totally get that feeling. Some people are done at 1 and some at 2 and some at 6!
I felt that way after my DD was born - probably for the first 6-7 months but then after 15 months I was ready.
I'm not saying you will definitely feel different, but you might, you just never know.
I have 2 now and I know 100% I'm done. No one and nothing will ever ever change my mind. DH would have another if I said I wanted another but I don't.
Did you discuss how many kids you wanted before you got married?
Would it be possible as a compromise you could adopt or foster an older child?
21-06-2015 16:26 #8
I could have written your original post word for word when DD was 2. It wasn't until this year (and after much prodding from DH) that I decided to give number two a go (DD is now 3.5). We are doing IVF and I'm hoping for the best, but, while I'd be sad if this doesn't work, I know I'll also be okay with it. We are a happy little family and we have our own little comfy groove going on, small families rock! ;-)
21-06-2015 17:15 #9
The reasons people come up with for 'needing' more than one child are ridiculous! There's no guarantee at all that siblings will like each other even as adults, nor can you predict how having a sibling will affect your child. That being the case, please try to ignore everyone except your partner! It's hard, since people seem to see having one child as strange and acceptable to challenge, but..well..screw them!
As for your partner...it sounds like you know what you want. Your feelings may or may not change, but it's completely unfair for him to dismiss it as simply something that you'll change your mind on. If you really can't discuss it reasonably between the two of you, then maybe speaking to a counselor together is a good idea.
I hope you can come to a decision that works for your family. Don't let anybody make you doubt yourself though. You have every right to feel the way you do.
The Following User Says Thank You to Renn For This Useful Post:
21-06-2015 18:28 #10
I know exactly how you feel. My ds is 15 months old and we've been getting the "when's the next" questions since the day he was born.
I don't know when and if I will be ready for another, I've thought about ttc another (even joined a thread) but the thought of another honestly terrifies me. We had a hard time ttc, a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic birth, pnd and ptsd, a baby who never slept and my list keeps on. Let's just say that I am finally getting the hang of this!
I don't have any advice I just wanted to pop in and give you a hug and to tell you your definitely not alone.
Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app
By Violet85 in forum Conception & Fertility General ChatReplies: 6Last Post: 03-07-2015, 13:39
By MustBeLove in forum Conception & Fertility General ChatReplies: 0Last Post: 19-08-2014, 15:33
By Jensha in forum General ChatReplies: 38Last Post: 24-07-2014, 16:06
Baby U & The Wiggles - Toilet Training ProductsToilet training can be a testing time but Baby U is there to assist you and your toddler with the daunting task of ...
LATESTWhy it is OK for your child to be differentWhat is a blessing way? How is it different to a baby shower?7 ways to break the ‘mumnotony’ at home
POPULARWhen can I start giving chores to my children?New baby nursery checklist – a guide to newborn essentialsWhat to pack for labour and hospital – a checklist
FORUMS - chatting now ...
Come chat, Ladies who are 40+ TTC or ExpectingConception & Fertility General Chat
Would you breastfeed in public?Viewer Polls
Bulk-Billing may end for after-hours home doctor services - petition!Can you help with these campaigns?
A - Z of Baby Boy NamesGames & fun stuff
The Word Association Game #24Games & fun stuff
What do you think is the best resource for new Mums?General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
A - Z of baby girl namesGames & fun stuff