**Maybe trigger warning?** I feel like all my posts come with warnings.
All my life I have struggled with Mother's Day because my mother isn't what all the Hallmark cards say a mother is.
She's not kind, she's not caring, she's not interested in me as a person. She's not nurturing.
She abused me as a child, and neglected me. She pathologically narcissistic and possibly somewhat sociopathic.
I feel like she hated me as a child. She told me once that I had intimidated her since I was 2 years old.
She used to beat me regularly, and once when I was 11 she strangled me. No one ever knew and I didn't think to tell anyone. It was normal to me. I don't have any integrated memories before around 15 years old.
When I had my first breakdown at 13 she punished me severely, threatened to institutionalize me and left me at home for a year and a half. She made me keep my breakdown a secret from extended family and church.
When I first tried to kill myself during that breakdown, she told me to "never do that to her ever again."
She kicked me out at the beginning of my HSC, and straight away told me she was so glad she didn't have to my mother anymore, it has "been so hard" for her.
Since then I have tried to make peace with her, and accept that she is a very damaged person who is simply not capable of being a mother. She is a loving grandmother to my kids, and she plays by my rules now because she knows I will remove the kids from her life is she starts any of her abuse.
But when Mother's Day rolls around and I look at the cards I am still mourning a real mother. I can never find a card for my mum that isn't a complete lie.
"To the one person I can count on always." Nope.
"A mother is someone who realizes there are not enough pieces of pie and promptly announces they never liked pie." Hell no would Mum miss out on that pie. She's probably made a comment about how much sugar was in the pie and how I really should look at my diet.
I think we all need a real mother. Someone nurturing, someone who loves us simply and completely. Someone who takes care of us.
I didn't have any of that and of course I am extremely damaged as a human being. And I feel the grief comes up more every year around Mother's Day.
Can anyone relate?
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06-05-2015 13:25 #1
Does anyone else have grief around Mother's Day?
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06-05-2015 13:29 #2Senior Member
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- Mar 2015
I can relate a bit but not to that extent. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through it's beyond awful.
I'm very emotionally distant from my mother. I don't feel a connection to her at all and feel the whole Mother's Day thing is forced. There's no heart in it. I'm also grieving this Mother's Day because my son died last year so this will be the first Mother's Day since his death.
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06-05-2015 13:32 #3
I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that :-( I can't relate to the emotional side of your story. My mum will never do anything unless it positively benefits her in some way. She's incredibly fake and if something is happening that she doesn't like she will just blank it (including conversations that I have tried to have with her in the past). That's one of the good things about living on the other side of the world - I just send a card with a photo of DD and leave it at that.
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06-05-2015 14:00 #4
Sorry you had to go through all that op.
I do go through greif in a different way. The days leading up to mothers day I get a bit down and teary because my mum isn't here. How I wish she was, we were very close and I miss those mother daughter chats and time together, the support she always gave me. I wish I had a mum to cherish on mothers day 😢
06-05-2015 14:15 #5
For years I hated my parents… Was that their fault? No. I chose to be angry at them and hate them. Was there an explanation on their behalf for it… Probably but the thing is it was still my choice to focus on it. There is nothing you can do to change people. Think about how hard it is to change yourself then realise you have little to no chance of changing someone else.
It's perfectly understandable to grieve and mourn not having the childhood you feel you deserve. However there comes some point you need to address those issues so you can move on and be a happier person. Yes you can continue to blame your Mum but it isn't going o make you feel better.
Have you spoken to a therapist or psych about these issues because if not it is really really important you do. These kinds of things just don't go away without professional help. Ultimately though it is up to you to get that help for yourself so you can heal.
From my own perspective I had many issues with my parents and I tried for years to get them to validate me. I realised eventually that I was giving my power to them in being co dependant and I didn't have to do that. I had a choice to forgive them and move on. When I finally forgave my parents and moved on our relationship improved immensley.
Obviously there are still times when I have to clearly assert boundaries or distance but again that is up to me. I understand when you feel the way you do that it's difficult to do that and process the feelings but that is why you need professional help. Yes it's a shame some people can't be great parents and it sounds to me like your Mum has some of her own mental health issues. However focusing on what you don't have won't ever make you feel good. You can recover from this you just need to step up and get some help.
06-05-2015 14:28 #6
My mum passed away almost 12 years ago and I miss her terribly.
I find Mother's Day hard as it's not the same anymore. I love having my kids and DF spoil me but I long to see my mum and tell her I love her.
I let myself have one big cry in the shower in the morning then I suck it up and have a wonderful day with my family.
06-05-2015 14:35 #7
hi playnice. your childhood sounds like a horror story to me. I did have a wonderful mum, and I have grief because she is no longer here. I would put my hand up and offer to be your mum if I could. if I could take away some of your terrible childhood I would do that. what trustychords has said about giving other people your power, that is very true. the more time you spend looking back, the less time you have to look forward. you and your children need you to be looking forward. many hugs, and my prayers are with you. I know you have been through many problems and difficulties, but you are getting help, and I hope you continue to seek help. marie.
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06-05-2015 14:55 #8Senior Member
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- Jan 2012
I can def relate hugs
My mother is also a non existent grandmother tjough as she just couldn't care less. I'm positive my 4,7 and 11yos wouldnt even be able to pick her out of a line up. Her loss.
So yeah I get it, there's definitely no appropriate card
And this year my youngest ds was still born 3 weeks ago so I'm pretty miserable about that too 😥
Let's just skip Mother's Day altogether?
06-05-2015 14:58 #9
grumpysmurf, hugs. you are certainly allowed to be miserable. many hugs. marie.
06-05-2015 15:00 #10
What you went through sounds terrible and I can relate on some level although my story is different. My mother left us without any trace on the very day I first left home (20 years ago). I went over a decade having very little to do with her once she did tell us where she was. I had many many years of being gutted over this. I would look at girls shopping for their wedding dresses or simply having coffee with their mothers and wonder why I didn't have that. And of course every Mother's Day was lonely and horrible. Since then, things have improved, I have a relationship with her again although with some limits. And I now have the perspective to know that she was very unhappy in her marriage to my dad which does not excuse her behaviour but it helps give it meaning.
The main reason I have grief over Mother's Day now is because it is looking like I will never have children. I will never be a mother. So for a few reasons, it's not a happy day for me.
Last edited by Skyler; 06-05-2015 at 16:05. Reason: Typo
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