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  1. #1
    harvs's Avatar
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    Default Saturday Afternoon Forum Topic

    During all of my teacher training I was told that research has shown that no matter how much training you do, when it comes to it and the chips are down, then you will default to teaching the way that you were taught anyway.

    So...do you think this is true of parenting? Do we default to the parenting we received when we aren't consciously 'parenting' iykwim?

    I was reflecting on this the other day - the way I use food as 'treats' when I need a win (and feel guilty for it all the time that I do) is just like my mother. And I swore to myself I wouldn't do that. But it's like it's in me.

    My need to dress DS nicely (and often beyond my financial means), the fact I buy him a 'little present' often when I'm out, or else it takes a lot of self talk not to, are both totally my mum as well.

    There are 'big things' that I really want to do differently, such as instil specific values etc, and I've put a lot of thought into how I'd like to achieve that. It's like the little things took me surprise though!

    So...is this true of you? Do you default to the parenting you experienced? Do you actively avoid doing that? Is it something you worry about at all?

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    KitiK  (29-03-2015)

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    MjAxMy1jZGVhODc1OWYyZWQ3MGI3.png

    I'm very much the same. When I'm stressed or out of it I resort to default...not the way I want to parent to be honest.

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    harvs  (28-03-2015)

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    harvs's Avatar
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    It's weird isn't it?

    I guess it says a lot about how enduring our childhood experiences are. Which is a worry because I can't remember many of them!

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    Yes when I'm frustrated, tired, stressed I sound and act exactly like my mother and I always look back and feel terrible because I've always sworn I wouldn't be like her

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    harvs  (28-03-2015)

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    I am very much like my dad with my parenting than my mum as he raised me and my mum worked a full on job and I didn't see her much. Mostly with manners and behaviour. it's actually really interesting how similar I am to my dad (and how other people are similar to their parents). I wonder if it is due to genes or just from growing up around each other for 18 years. I wonder how similar children who grow up with step mums/Dads from a young age are to them.

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    harvs  (28-03-2015)

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    harvs's Avatar
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    @SpicyTurtle I was thinking exactly this about stepparents just before! I'd love to know the answer...

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    SpicyTurtle  (29-03-2015)

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    I can sort of answer from what I've witnessed. My aunt died while she was pregnant with her 3rd leaving behind her husband and 2 DDs. My cousins were 2 and 4 at the time and their father remarried a few year later. They both have a lot of characteristics of their step mother but I'm not sure about parenting styles.

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    It's hard to answer because I am so much like my dad in temperament and my default behaviour is just like his but my mum was my primary care giver, so I don't mother the way I was mothered but I definitely do feel like I echo a parent when my defences are down.

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    Ooh, I actually think I channel my maternal grandmother! Oh that's a bit of a revelation! I show love through actions, I try and show them how fortunate they are even in the most trying of circumstances, when I get frustrated and have had enough, I hide in household tasks.

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    yeah totally


 

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