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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sookie Stackedhouse View Post
    I'm just going to throw this out there.
    I did this as a child.
    I would tell people my mum /baby sitter/ step dad would beat/not feed me.
    For mum it was too stop her from getting marked as a safe house. Baby sitter it was so she didn't get other kids. I wanted to be loved. Mum didn't have time for me. 1 of 5 kids as it was. Same with the baby sitter.
    Don't ignore you little girl. Your partner needs to take this seriously. Somehow. You are a good mum for seeing it and wanting to help.
    I think she has a pretty negative outlook. Gets really upset if she makes little mistakes. Hates to be told off. She does several sports. We eat dinners together each night she always has a bedtime story. I try and prise information out about school/ friends. Weekdays I struggle to fit in much else so I'm following her outside and watching her play/trampoline. I praise every little thing I can. She complains bitterly about having to shop and does no household chores but we do family activities most weekends. Like bike riding. Water park. We take holidays together, she's been skiing, overseas. Parties, play dates. Tbh I feel she is spoilt. She has tantrums about crazy things like me not letting her use wine glasses or not taking her to Bali! I want to do more with her but there is no give and take, I lose my patience but always try to stay calm (not always successful). I feel like she is only happy when she is fully in charge of everything we do and is centre of attention. Since dd2 was born 9 months ago things have gotten worse. She only wants to help out when it suits her, will tell me off for spending too much time with the baby then tell me off for not playing with her. I know she's only 8 but it wears me down. I love her but she's mean and hostile. How do I show her she's loved without giving in to her every whim? Dp totally denies he does this but she makes most of the decisions around here

  2. #22
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    It sounds like she is in charge. Showing you love her doesn't mean that you don't need to discipline bad behaviour (tantrums, not doing chores, etc). A child doesn't feel secure without boundaries, and can act out more because of it.
    When my kids tantrum, fight with each other, refuse to clean up their mess, they get wall time (standing at the wall, not touching it, no outside stimuli). But you must be consistent with it (I have really had to work on that part myself)

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  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by trustno1 View Post
    It sounds like she is in charge. Showing you love her doesn't mean that you don't need to discipline bad behaviour (tantrums, not doing chores, etc). A child doesn't feel secure without boundaries, and can act out more because of it.
    When my kids tantrum, fight with each other, refuse to clean up their mess, they get wall time (standing at the wall, not touching it, no outside stimuli). But you must be consistent with it (I have really had to work on that part myself)
    I totally agree but Dp doesn't get the whole setting boundaries idea. His method of getting her to help around the house is to clean her room with her where he does 90% or ask her to put her dish away. There's no set consequences for not doing or misbehaving and he is against the idea of set chores. Discussing last night her refusing to wait for me to cross the road Dp makes jokes with her about it. She was pretty safe but I think it's dangerous that she can't follow a firm order from a parent she just kept arguing that she knew it was safe. I say boundaries, discipline, clear expectations he hears punitive punishment.
    I like the wall concept - how do you enforce? I can't do time out as she will stomp out of her room and try and hit me or throw something so right now I'm back to 123 magic with loss of iPad or desert. And she's better during the week but I wanted him on board but he sees no real issue. Sorry I'm rambling. I've no family in this country and friends are all so busy with their work and family this is my sanity!! Thanks to all the repliers 😗

  5. #24
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    Just throwing it out there... have you tried doing the absolute complete opposite approach with her? Google love bombing. Get your DP on board to have the other kids and love bomb the freak out of her. This sounds pretty cliche but maybe you and your daughter need to 'reconnect' and then once reconnected start off on the boundaries, expectations, discipline?

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  7. #25
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    I feel for you. Your DP is failing you as a partner by not supporting your concerns, and failing your DD as a parent by being so dismissive of her negative behaviour.

    Your DD sees you as the bad guy who lays down the discipline, and your DP as the easy going parent who lets her get away with everything.

    I don't know what the answer is, but I'd be furious if my DH did that to me

  8. #26
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    By the way, my brother as a teenager had a gigantic aggressive meltdown episode one day at home. I can't recall what started it, but he called the police on my parents, claiming 'my parents are abusing me'.

    The police were actually more concerned if my parents were okay. Wasn't hard for them to work out who was actually being 'abused'.

  9. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mod-Degrassi View Post

    I don't know what the answer is, but I'd be furious if my DH did that to me
    Me too, I really feel for you OP

  10. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    Your dp blames all of this on you and tells you that you're a nutjob?

    I wonder if this general attitude of his is obvious to your 8yr old too? If so, maybe she's learnt that it's okay to treat you this way?
    Yep that's what I think. I recently recounted to him how she'd been rude about dinner and when I told her that wasn't nice she said 'why? you are just my mum' his reaction she's just a kid no biggie. I think it's all coming to ahead now as I can't keep burying my head in the sand telling myself all is ok. I've tried to tell him so many times how much I'm struggling but I always end up feeling attacked. Then I try and pull myself out of it and focus on at least being together for working on dds issues but only thing we agree on is me spending more quality time with her and his only idea for that is me to spend less time on my phone! I'm so isolated here and that's his answer. I stepped back on Sunday and he spends way more time on his and most of my time is arranging kid stuff or connecting with other parents or family... Argh better get back to it...

  11. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bennos Mummy View Post
    Just throwing it out there... have you tried doing the absolute complete opposite approach with her? Google love bombing. Get your DP on board to have the other kids and love bomb the freak out of her. This sounds pretty cliche but maybe you and your daughter need to 'reconnect' and then once reconnected start off on the boundaries, expectations, discipline?
    9 month old is still breastfed on demand I've had max 3 hours away from her from birth - part of the jealousy I suspect but night away pretty impossible. Thinking more a few hours might be doable but in general I've backed off on trying to get her to do anything in the house, ignoring her jibes though I draw the line at ignoring the violence. But yes trying to reconnect is major goal


 

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