Sorry ifthis is a bit long but I need some advice on how to handle this.
Imoriginally from Europe and all my family lives there. I have been in Aus forthe past 9 years with DH. When DS1 was born last year my parents decided theywere going to come and visit when DS1 was 6 weeks old. They stayed for 4 weeks.DH could only take the last two weeks off from work. My parents haven’t reallybeen very nice to us then although they really don’t realize it. They hadn’t seenme or spent time with me for 2 years as I had not been able to travel home forthat time as we were TTC. I was dealing with a newborn and had a lot ofproblems establishing breastfeeding and all my parents did was comment andcriticize my choice for breastfeeding. Basically during their stay they wentsilent, mum slept every day till lunch time and I was cooking for them,prepping lunches, doing their laundry, cleaning up the house while they didn’t helpme at all. On top of that they skyped my siblings every day for hours to talkto them while during the day they had not much to say to me at all. (we atelunch in utter silence and it was really hard to start a conversation with themto end in short answers). I heard my mum complain she was bored because I usedto nap for an hour while DS1 took a nap. I was so exhausted I got mastitis afew times. The last two weeks we took them on a road trip and showed themaround. Then my mum complained it was too much for her as she was too tired.
Then atChristmas as DS1 was going to be baptized we took 7 weeks off to travel toEurope and spend time with my family and we had to stay with my parents. After2 days I copped nothing but criticism on both DH and my parenting, DS was jetlagged and sick the first two weeks and we got no help of sympathy. The othergrandkids got all the cooing when they visited and basically DS was hardlylooked at. I thought my parents would spend extra time with him since we liveso far away but I guess not. I got a lot of silence treatment for whateverreason I still cant figure out. I actually asked them politely to stop tellingme how to raise my son that he was doing great and is healthy and happy. Therewere days where my parents would disappear and never told us where they weregoing. I was upset one time and asked them why they didn’t even want to take mefor a coffee or something but mums response was that they don’t do that kind ofthing. I feel sorry for DH because he took all that annual leave off andbasically if we didn’t take a train to visit friends we were stuck sitting inthe couch till my parents got up close to lunch time. It was very badhospitality. One night she had only cooked dinner for herself and dad and toldus to work out dinner for ourselves. Ive never been so disappointed, but it’snot been a new thing because the last three visits staying with them similarsort of stuff happened. I don’t know why I get this treatment. I was so excitedto go home after 3 and a half years away but its kind of ruined our wholeholiday. I have a lot of resentment now but I cant really speak up because theydon’t take criticism easy themselves. Theyre allowed to criticize it seems but don’taccept others opinions.
I ampregnant with #2 right now and I haven’t even told them. I would have told themonce I found out but DH wants to wait till im at least 12 wks but im worriedthey will tell me they want to come stay with us again and I don’t want thesame stuff happening again. I don’t know how to tell them how I feel because I feelso worthless in their eyes. My mum doesn’t even bother getting up before noontheir time to skype and see my son, she always has an excuse. My son needs togo to bed at 7pm and ive told them many times but dad keeps skyping rightbefore his bedtime when I try to put him to bed. It feels like I keep having tobend over backwards to keep them off my back. My mum also never texts me to askhow were doing and dad is only interested in seeing our son. My last text frommum was the day we left Europe “I might not show you much that I love you but Ido” I didn’t know how to respond to it so I didn’t. I wish she would treat mebetter instead because I go thru life the last 10 years for a lot of reasonsthinking that she doesn’t love me at all. I feel so alone and I feel like I cannever go back and certainly if we have to visit there again we are not stayingwith them ever again. I know they will be offended but what am I supposed todo? Put myself through more torment? How can I tell them I don’t really wantthem to visit when my second baby is born? I cant keep them away from theirgrandchildren either L don’t know how to handle it.
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19-03-2015 10:48 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
dont really want parents to come for birth of second baby
19-03-2015 11:07 #2
I think you are going to have to spell it all out for them & risk offending them. If you do nothing then nothing will change.
First of all dont answer skype before your sons bedtime if it interferes - you have already explained why & it keeps happening so just ignore the call and if they ask why explain that you were busy putting DS to bed.
When you tell them you're preg if they say they will come stay. Say yes we'd love you to come stay & spend time with your grandchildren but can we lay down some ground rules first so that nobody gets off-side.
Think back to the last visit and write down the things that bugged you. Review the list and decide what you can just put up with for the sake of the visit and what is a definite NO.
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19-03-2015 18:57 #3
You could be talking about my mother. I decided that if nothing I could do would please her I would stop trying. I don't know whether it is jealousy that we are here or something else, but are relationship has deteriorated to nothing since we moved here and had children.
I was called selfish for going to bed early when my son was just born and having his longest sleep between 8pm and midnight. She works too hard to get up before 10am at the weekends to speak to her grand children.
Just tell her that you don't need her 'help' if she wants to visit.
19-03-2015 19:30 #4Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2014
- Arncliffe, Sydney
It almost sounds like resentment on their part that you moved so far away!
My parents migrated to Australia 30 years ago and found they had similar treatment from family. They didn't completely sever ties but they didn't travel back for 6 years and family learnt to make an effort when we did visit...even now we set an agenda and only stay for a short time in our own accommodation!
Honestly the choice is yours but it sounds like you don't have much quality time with them and perhaps it's worth severing ties or having more distance.
If DS1 bedtime is 7pm then put skype status to do not disturb or keep DS1 routine as usual ... Your folks will have to learn that they need to accommodate your needs as well ... Just because they are family it goes both ways ... You have your own family now and your parents need to understand that DH and DS1 needs are your priority now....
Up to you OP ... It's not easy but I hope you figure out a solution
19-03-2015 19:43 #5
I would let them visit but tell them they have to stay elsewhere. Whatever excuse you like, no room, you don't want to disrupt DSs routine with strangers etc.
I certainly wouldn't put in the effort to go visit them much.
How are things with your siblings?
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19-03-2015 20:03 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2015
That's really sad. My heart breaks for you. I'm sure deep down you want so much more from them... It's a shame they are so inconsiderate.
I would say - we would love you to come and visit, but we are going to be adjusting to having two children so would prefer if you stayed elsewhere so we can settle into a routine.
Hopefully by staying elsewhere they make more of an effort to have quality time with you. In regards to the Skype, can you log off or something after 7pm. I've never used it before so unsure how it works?
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20-03-2015 01:11 #7
To be honest your story rang a lot of bells for me (my mother is a narcissist). I had to set boundaries and enforce them, and I had to be brutally honest (she hated that), but push come to shove my family is more important than my mothers comfort, so we play by my rules now.
If you don't want a visit tell them it's either not a good time or direct them to a hotel. If you don't want to stay there, don't Answer the phone when it's a good time to call. Do what's right for you, if they want to be involved or see the kids they'll step in line (or they'll cut contact and seriously would that be the worst thing ever?).
I know the anxious feeling of displeasing a parent and it used to make me do anything she said. It's so very horrible and hard, I offer a internet hug if you want one
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20-03-2015 09:40 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2011
Thanks for all the advice.
I am doing great with my siblings but as they all have 2 kids under 3 I find it hard to ask them to stay with them as they already have their hands full as is.
We will have to look for our own accommodation and cut down on the time we spend there. I get along great with my siblings and my niece and nephews who I really miss being able to be a part of their life and an auntie in the true sense and being able to spend time with them.
I do believe my mum has a narcissistic personality, and really for the last 20 years of my life ive not had the impression I felt nurtured. It’s really confusing because she claims she loves me but every time I am around I get treated so cold. Her actions speak so much louder than her lovely words. Dad used to be ok but always the enabler to keep the peace I guess and he is afraid of her and getting in trouble too. Dad is actually a woman hater because of it. He thinks every woman is this bad to their husband. He therefore only has stuff to talk about with my DH, not me and everything I say or do he says or does the exact opposite. She has done a lot of emotional abuse on me in the past. I am not sure how my siblings feel about it, I am not sure if she did it to them or only to me because my mum may have had a higher expectation of me being the oldest girl maybe. I know my sisters run to her for absolutely everything and tell her everything. They may be manipulated and not realize it I don’t know. I don’t want to really talk about it with them because I know they might not see it the way I do. My mum used to play us out to each other and at various points in my life it was my siblings ganging up on me. I could really write a book about it all but I would end up in volumes. I am only left to deal with the hurt afterwards and somehow my mum erases it all out of her brain and she behaves like she has never wronged me and if I do bring stuff up she will deny it, be ****ed off and guilt me. Don’t get me wrong, I got everything I needed food, toys, clothes and all but I was always controlled, any friends I had were disapproved off could never spend time with my friends, in fact I don’t remember a lot of cuddles either when I was little. I got the material things just none of my emotional needs were ever met.
In a way I am free of her negativity here in Aus and have felt so much happier and like a normal person but I just don’t feel like I have a mum at all.
Well, for all I know I might be worrying over nothing maybe they won’t even bother coming anyway this time because I think they had their overdose of us this year perhaps, sadly. It’s sad I still cry over this some nights like a little kid. We actually took a one week break for the three of us during our 7 weeks there and dad just literally dropped us at the airport and drove off and mum never bothered coming with to the airport, when I said see you next week to her she didn’t bother looking up from the computer and just said ‘yeah yeah’.
Sucks to have to go through life like this, but they seem to think this is normal behaviour and I don’t have the right to stand up for myself or my family.
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20-03-2015 12:04 #9
I'm working on calling people on their bad behavior at the time. My sister once said to me "call people on it at the time or let it go". So now I pick my battles, but I will call someone out on it.
For example I have a friend who doesn't like kids much, and I have two. We were messaging each other yesterday and the conversation went like this:
Me: yes I'm free Saturday but my sister and her kids will be here too so it will be a bit crazy.
Her: rolls eyes
Me: why the eye roll"
Her: that's fine but I'm going out after so keep the kids away from me
Me: well I'm not going to lock them in their room till you go.
Before I kept letting comments like that go but her behaviour was annoying me. So now I'm going to call her on it.
I realise your mum doesn't like being called on stuff but if you do if at the time, not making a big issue out of it just pointing out or questioning bad behaviour, she might lift her game.
21-03-2015 12:25 #10
dont really want parents to come for birth of second baby
Here's the thing though, you have every right to stand up for yourself and your family You have the power now, and you're free to have as much contact with them as you want, or not
I'm on the raised by narcissists sub redit and it's fantastic (so very supportive).
Also while I know others had worse abuse, emotional abuse is crippling and just as damaging in other ways. For example I can't drive, I get sever social anxiety, and can't cope with authority figures (makes holding down a job really difficult). The thought that it's just emotion abuse is part of it, it keeps you silent, keeps you asking permission
Edited to add, have a look at gaslighting, my nmum convinced me I have Aspergers (explains why I have so many social issues and why I can't read her etc. so everytime I'd question anything she did it was just my Aspergers making me not understand). It's so liberating to actually realise it's her, not me
Last edited by Amiedoll; 21-03-2015 at 12:38.
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