Just wondering if there are some others out there in the same situation and how you cope?
My husband has two teenage kids which are great kids. One lives with us. We get along with his ex so there is no issue there.
I sometimes feel though that the wish for a baby is one sided. Hubby said he wants a child but I doubt he would do whatever it takes as he has two already. He said he would not adopt for example. Whereas I am open to anything.
He doesn't put enough effort in reducing his alcohol intake either which makes me upset. Additionally he dicided the other day out of the blue to have some weed. It just shows me that it's not as important to him. He keeps telling me to relax and not worry and it will eventually happen. But he has kids already so of course he isn't in a rush.
Additiomally I seem to struggle with the idea that there seems to be no excitement as he has done all this already. He knows it all and he tries to tell me how my body works. He doesn't see my anxiety relating to my endometriosis. He doesn't get why it might not just happen.
I just want to share that experience first time with him but I know it's not going to be a big wow effect. IS it selfish for me to want the experience most first time ttcers and mothers have?
I just feel lost and feel that baby making is not really important to him but that it's more: whatever happens happens!
Oh well I jyst needed to vent a bit.
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20-02-2015 12:54 #1
Husband already has children but I don't
01-06-2015 19:39 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2015
Hy kitty how is it all going? My DH has a child already too. I'm always up for a chat if you need to x
02-06-2015 06:14 #3
Oh well still not pregnant but we set a date to go through ivf later this year if nothing has happened. It's going ok I get very down towards the end of each cycle which hubby does not understand as he takes it as whatever happens happens so yes I feel like I am alone on this journey sometimes. It's silly that I have to hide my crushed feelings every to AF is approaching.
how are you coping with this? Hope your journey is short...
02-06-2015 15:07 #4
I am on the flip side of this equation. I have two children and my partner has none. He would like his own but I wouldn't mind either way. When we first started dating I made it clear that I may not ever be on board with having another but we communicate and try to make decisions together. He knows where I stand. I felt sad for him that if we had a child together we wouldn't be doing firsts together. It's difficult and different but I believe we are strong enough to get through it.
02-06-2015 17:26 #5
Oh wow, I so understand exactly what you are saying, I am in the same position and it is really hard. My DH has two children as well, with two different exes. One DS was from a marriage when he was very young and is now in his twenties, and the second DS is eight years old and was from a rebound relationship when his marriage broke down, with a lady who was seeking a sperm donor, not a relationship (which he didn't realise until it was too late). He has very valid reasons for not being in either relationship, and is an awesome Dad who finds it very tough to not be with his youngest son full-time.
We met just after I turned 40, and we have the most incredible relationship - he is everything I have ever wanted in a husband, and he wishes he met me when we were in our twenties. We've been trying to start a family for two years, but I've miscarried several times which has been heartbreaking.
Although DH is amazing and is very supportive, he doesn't understand my level of grief because he already has two children. He doesn't know what it is like to be childless, to wonder if you will go through life never experiencing the joys and challenges that being a parent brings, to know that there is no little biological piece of you joined with the one you love. So I feel a lot of my grief is not really understood, even though he tries.
I too, totally understand not being "the first" and that because he's done it all before it won't be special if we do have a child. I've gone through all of that - even having a huge cry one night when I was about eight weeks pregnant and DH was rubbing stretch mark oil into my boobs and belly and I just lost it, crying "it wasn't that long ago that you were doing the very same thing to another woman who was pregnant with your child" Even though he didn't have the type of relationship where they were that close and he didn't ever rub oil into her, he still birthed their child with her and that is a difficult image to erase from my mind.
I think the only way to deal with it is to know that your DH is with you, he has a unique and special relationship with you that is very different from the one he had with his ex. He might have had children before, but that doesn't mean that once you fall pregnant, it won't be wondrous, magical and mean everything to him. You can make it a very different experience for him, and it will be a first - a first with you and that is always going to be very special. For me, I've never been around a baby, so if we do manage to have a child I will actually be very grateful that DH has done it all before because I imagine I'll need all the help I can get, so that is a positive! :-)
Feel free to PM me if you ever want a chat
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