So today I've packed my things and moved into our granny flat. I haven't told anyone and DH didnt believe I would do it.
Things have spiralled out of control DH has become increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive and despite individual and couple therapy things are worse than ever. Last night and again this morning he has told me he " regrets marrying me" and " wishes he didn't love me". He frequently calls me names and swears and screams. I've become increasingly sad/angry and lately bitter so I'm also more reactive.
I don't currently work this was a choice while we did multiple rounds of IVF. I am now faced with job hunting after not working for a year. I have skills but absolutely no confidence. I'm very overwhelmed.
I don't know if I'm leaving for a week or month or ever. My hope is DH will realise how serious it is and work to improve his behaviour.
Is there anything I should be doing? I have my own bank account as well as some cash. But is there anything else.
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12-02-2015 11:50 #1
12-02-2015 11:55 #2
You're doing the right thing. Hopefully this is the wake up call that he needs. Ask him to get counseling.
First of all, you can't just magic up self-confidence but let me tell you that you are stronger than you think. You proved that by standing up for yourself and leaving. Take it one day at a time and think hard about whether or not you want to work on this marriage. If you do, then not only will he need counseling himself but you'll need some sort of joint counseling.
I believe from what you've told us that you can work through this if he makes some changes and as long as he starts to treat you with the respect you deserve.
12-02-2015 11:55 #3
Good on you hun! Your DH is being an a$$hole and you definitely do not deserve to be spoken to in that way, no one does!
No sensible advice but couldn't just read and run.
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12-02-2015 11:57 #4
Also, has he always been like this or is it new? It's possible that the stress of cycling with IVF is behind his behaviour. I'm not making excuses and his behaviour is unacceptable, just saying that there is highly likely a reason for it if there's been a change in how he's treating you.
12-02-2015 12:07 #5
Wow OP, that's terrible behaviour from your DH. If he regrets marrying you, why is he still with you? It doesn't sound like things are going to change in a hurry - especially if you've been to therapy with no success. I'd be having serious doubts about my relationship if DH said he regretted me. In fact, I think I'd be planning on leaving.
Does he want to change? Does he recognise this terrible behaviour is having a negative impact on you?
Do you have kids? Perhaps I would be getting some legal advice as to where you stand in terms of assets, mortgage etc.
You sound very strong just from what you've done so far. Moving out takes a lot of guts, good for you. Best of luck with whatever you decide - but it sounds like you've made up your mind.
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12-02-2015 12:36 #6
Having been there and done that I say just leave and live a life you love. I don't know if you have children but if you don't that's a good thing. I believe you can get someone like this to modify their behaviors but the price you pay is losing a part of yourself you may never get back. As you get older you realise relationships come and go to teach you about life and growth. You will move on t will hurt at first but I guarantee in 5 years you won't regret it. Letting go of something that isn't good for you is the biggest life lesson to grow as a human being. Forget what you've lost and trust without hi you can achieve more.
12-02-2015 12:37 #7
Sorry to hear.. IVF is very stressful on marriages
I hope you can work things out
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12-02-2015 12:50 #8
sorry to hear I've no real advice but I'm sorry to hear about this. you've taken a positive first step though by moving out so good luck with it all
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12-02-2015 13:35 #9
I moved out today too!
My DH is also abusive.
I'm done, hopefully if it's what you want the pair of you can work it out.
12-02-2015 13:48 #10
Thanks ladies. It feels good to let someone know what's going on.
I have only moved into our granny flat, self contained but still attached to the house, we will live separately like this for the time being.
My goal is to be happily married to my DH. Things weren't always like this, it has gotten progressively worse and I think the stress of IVF has impacted it. He shows remorse for his behaviour and is trying to get help. I guess I just don't want to ride it out while it's so bad. Hopefully we can regroup when things improve.
We don't have children and I doubt we ever will now but that isn't a priority right now.
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