I don't even know where to begin.
In the last 10 years my life has just gone to sh*t and I don't even know what to do anymore. The ONLY thing keeping me going is my daughter.
I'm 27yo, and live at home with my mum, my two brothers and my brothers girlfriend. My family is great most of the time but I cop a lot of **** and judgement too.
I have Graves' disease, PCOS, am now being tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus and more general autoimmune stuff after blood tests show low circulating iron and inflammation and have done for 6 months.
I don't work, a) because there is absolutely nothing I want to do, and b) because of my anxiety and health conditions. I can't deal with worrying about having to take sick days constantly and being sh*t at what I do because I'm so exhausted all the time. I don't study because there is NOTHING I want to study. I can't focus on anything I have no interest in. I've tried, I've enrolled and unenrolled in SO MANY things and just quit because I hate it all.
I am on my own all the time, I have one friend and I don't go anywhere or do anything. I hate dating sites, I HATE them. I'm never going to meet anyone, there is literally no way for me to.
I've gone through SO MUCH in the last couple of years, and none of it I've dealt with because immediately something else sh*tty happens and I have to focus all my energy on that.
I'm not meant to raise my heart rate because of my Graves, I will be risking another hyperthyroid event which I don't want to happen but everyone in my family just thinks I'm this lazy idiot who would rather sit home and watch TV all day than clean, or work, or do anything. I can't talk to anyone who understands because nobody does. My best friend is great, she's the one person who understands me but she studies full time and has issues of her own so we don't hang out as much as we'd like.
In the last couple of years I've had several cars screw up on me, my newest one (I've had it for 2 months now) has already cost me $1200 since I got it, maybe more. I've lost "good friends" and had HUGE fights with my sister to the point where I have to fake everything with her now even though she thinks it's fine, I've had to go to my Dad's house (he's an alcoholic) after he threatened suicide and all my siblings left me there alone with him when I had to call an ambulance and watch police escort him to the hospital, and then be told by the nurses when I got there that he was threatening to kill me so I couldn't stay. I've dealt with my emotionally, mentally, financially and verbally abusive ex (DD's dad) continuing to control my life because he forced me to sign custody papers days after I walked out. I worry every time DD is with him. And now this morning I've found out his new girlfriend is living with him. Why does he get to have this peachy life when I'm sick, alone and further than broke. I've also had a serious relationship break up with the guy I thought was "the one".
I just don't know how or even if I can deal with this sh*t anymore. I know I should see a counsellor but I hate going, I hate being forced to wait for 2-4 weeks or more, then forced out after one hour and wait another few weeks. It doesn't help, it just makes me angrier.
I know the cause of all of this, the problem is I have no way to fix anything and I have nobody to talk to who doesn't try to tell me to just deal with it, or get over it, or just get on with life.
I just don't know what to do. I want to work, I want to make money so I can move out and start my own life with my daughter, but I'm stuck in this piece of sh*t life and there's nothing I can do but barely survive and feel alienated and alone.
Sorry for the novel. I don't expect replies because I know I'm just whinging but I just don't know what else to do.
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27-01-2015 11:41 #1
Last edited by lucymoo; 27-01-2015 at 12:05.
27-01-2015 11:48 #2
You have gone through so much its understandable you're struggling. I wish I had words of wisdom to help make it better, but all I can do is offer virtual hugs.
27-01-2015 12:01 #3
It's just, I'm that person who puts on a smile and seems bubbly and I'm finding it harder every day to keep that happy face on.
I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm a hypochondriac, I'm tired of feeling like someone is judging me wherever I am and whatever I'm doing, whether it's my family, strangers, or DD's dad.
I'm tired of always being the one who has the sh*tty life. When is it my turn? I've spent at the very least, the last 3 years since I left, "knowing" I did the right thing and having this optimistic, positive outlook and knowing that one day, things will be ok. But things aren't and I can't see it improving, ever. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of smiling when all I want to do is cry. I'm tired of being afraid of letting people know how I feel because a) it's weak, and b) I feel like I have no right to because, what do I do? My siblings look at me and think I have it easy because I don't pay rent, electricity, blah blah blah. I live on PPS, FTB and CS. I pay board to mum and chip in with extra whenever I can, because no one in our house has a LOT of money. My sister asks me why I don't just move out - ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!! I couldn't even afford $200/week in rent!
I'm just exhausted with everything. Trying and failing, over and over and over.
27-01-2015 12:09 #4
Oh honey, its so hard when you're constantly trying to be the strong one and put on a happy face for the world when you're falling apart on the inside. And when the people who are meant to be there for you 100% (your family) add to the hurt it makes it all the harder. Just keep taking one step at a time and one day at a time.
Is your daughter school aged? Can you volunteer at her kindy (if she goes to one)? Helping out at school lets you make a new circle of friends, and gives you updated skills that can help down the track with work, and its low pressure (easy to take sick days etc).
Just finding one thing that you are able to do to make yourself feel a bit better and focussing on that might help keep you going.
27-01-2015 12:11 #5
Oh lovely. Im not sure what to say. You always have a non judgemental, supportive friend in me and I know I'm a bit far away but I am always happy to catch up and hang out. You are not alone xo
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27-01-2015 12:13 #6
Couldn't read and not respond. Sounds like you're having a terribly tough time, I really hope things can improve for you soon.
27-01-2015 12:13 #7
Thanks Peanut, means the world xxxx
27-01-2015 12:20 #8
hi lucymoo. I will come back later with more to say, but I didn't want to read and run. hugs to you, I hope you can find some help soon. marie.
27-01-2015 12:26 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
oh hun I couldn't read and not reply. You sound very overwhelmed and I don't blame you, you have had everything overlap plus the medical side does not help. You do sound extremely depressed, are you taking anything for it? Sometimes there aren't a lot of ''real'' friends out there but honestly just put your feelings out here, there are a lot of us who care even tho we don't know you personally. wish I could give you a big hug.
27-01-2015 12:36 #10
I have been on several antidepressants and am in the process of coming off one currently that my body experiences strong withdrawal to. I've tried several different ones and none of them have really worked. I'm gathering because 90% of my depression is situational.
The other 10% probably comes from sexual abuse as a child/teen in several different circumstances but in saying that it's not something that exactly bothers me now. My anxiety is the bigger fish in the scenario but there's also not a lot that antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds have done to fix it.
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