I would let dh go see his family whenever he wanted but I would let ds have limited contact
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23-01-2015 15:23 #11
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23-01-2015 15:23 #12
I think you need to speak with them , there is no point living with he said she said if someone tells you they said something you ring them and ask them A) if it's true and B) please don't talk behind my back and if I've upset you to let me know why
You will never "win" as such with your MIL so it seems , so for the sake of your son and DH just be the better person, lead by example and be polite at important family functions , talk to them about why you prefer they not speak/say certain things in front of your DS and as pp said you don't have to go with your son and DH all the time but the only way to ever beat a bully/***** is to not let them get to you and politely confront them - at the end of the day do you really value their opinion in the way you raise your DS? If your happy then who cares what they say!
23-01-2015 15:25 #13
They just don't respect us/the boundaries we've tried to set. The way they see it DH & DS 'belong to them' :/
23-01-2015 15:31 #14
So honestly, I'm a bit scared to! And I don't want to risk making things worse for DH...
Urgh! This sucks
23-01-2015 15:32 #15
There is no apology unless it's directly to the person it's owed. Otherwise it's just lip service!
Providing you've been open to receiving said apology. Wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you weren't!
They said hideous. You owe them nothing.
I would keep DS away from them. In the very least, if they can't respect his mother (you) they don't deserve access to him.
Honestly think your DH needs to be very clear with his mother and sister about acceptable and unacceptable behaviour with his family. And if they won't be polite there will be no relationship.
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23-01-2015 15:52 #16
23-01-2015 17:58 #17
It sounds like you've given them plenty of chances. As far as I'm concerned I would be staying away from them and keeping your DS away as well. It's up to your DH if he wants to continue a relationship with them. As someone else who came from an abusive household I won't tolerate that cr.ap in my life anymore.
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23-01-2015 18:35 #18
I've been in this situation. MIL did everything that you listed your MIL and SIL do to you. I chose path 2.
For about 3 years (can't remember exactly) I didn't speak to or see MIL at all. DH also told her that if she said mean or spiteful things about me to him he would hang up the phone. And he followed through. It took a while, but she gradually began to accept that he wasn't going to put up with her meanness about me anymore.
I always said to DH that I would never stop him seeing his mother as he was his own person and able to make his own decisions about his family and that I would never stop the kids having a relationship with her either - provided DH supervised and protected them from any nastiness. And I was always careful to not be nasty about her and stoop to her level (except to a few trusted friends). I didn't want to get into arguments or put myself in a position where she could say, 'see I always told you she was horrible and hated me'.
Anyway, bit by bit she improved and tried to change her attitude. She stopped saying nasty things and became more positive, and it got to the point that her and I were able to have a relationship again. Now, to my utter amazement we get along okay. I'd say the relationship is 'functional'.
Its still awkward seeing extended family knowing how much she b*tched about me to them in the past but I try to hold my head up high, be polite and friendly those rare times when I see them. And to their credit they do seem to be trying to be nice too.
I'm very glad that I refused to accept her bad behaviour. The few years of no contact between me and her were blissfully drama free. If she ever becomes a gossip wielding drama queen again I will have no qualms stepping back from the relationship again.
So I'm an advocate for option 2. Good luck whatever you decide.
Last edited by MissMuppet; 23-01-2015 at 18:38.
23-01-2015 18:42 #19-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Too hard to say without more detail on the things they have said and done at events etc (as sensitivities on either side could have lead to misunderstanding).
23-01-2015 19:43 #20
I have done a lot of self reflection over this situation, heck it's kept me up at night for months and had my stomach in knots! I always try to look at things from the person's perspective, and take ownership of my words and actions if I've been in the wrong or contributed to a situation.
I can see how me being quiet and polite could be offensive to them. I know that some people can see that as being aloof. So I own that. I can see that it would have contributed to their perception of me and thus their future judgements of my words and actions.
I can see how DS 'conveniently' being sick when we were meant to go there on numerous occasions could be perceived as me trying to avoid going there, or "keeping DS away from them" (ironic that their actions now make me want to keep DS away from them!). But I fail to understand how they think 3 hospital visits were faked!? (Especially when they have seen the photos of DS with tubes and cannulas in him) SIL's DD has a compromised immune system, even a cold can land her in hospital, so we honestly were just trying to do the right thing by not taking DS to see them if he was sick or looked like he was getting sick.
I think it all just seems to stem from a series of misunderstandings, but I'm really over banging my head against a brick wall trying to get them to change their mind about me! To them I'm a liar, a bish, and trying to break up their family. So even though I've always (yes, 100%, always) been honest with them, have tried to always do the right thing by everyone, and have encouraged DH to have a relationship with his family (9 out 10 times we saw them prior all this going down was at my suggestion as I wanted DH & DS to have that relationship), despite all that, they choose to believe the worst in me.
I just feel like it's fighting a losing battle and I'm done. I don't want to spend my life feeling upset, angry and bitter about being treated like this and told I'm a bad person. It really does start to get to your self-worth after a while
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