Bit of a long & involved WWYD

[littlelove]

Hello all,

So I have a bit of a long WWYD. I’m really feeling at a loss as to what to do & whether my feelings are valid, or whether I need to just get over them. So, here’s the situation in dot point form to try to make it clear…
The whole story is a bit too long & involved to type out, but the main points are:

• SIL’s have always shown a total lack of respect for DH & I. They make snarky passive aggressive comments, judge our decisions and lifestyle (they’re very ‘alternative’, DH & more ‘straight laced’ - in their view anyway!), and have acted inappropriately and really rudely at special events for us, which tarnished our memories of these special days (engagement, wedding, baby shower, DS’s first xmas and birthday).
• SIL’s & MIL have accused me of being very rude to them because I was “too polite and quiet”…yep, really. So this is why they’re rude to me and don’t like me apparently.
• SIL’s & MIL have accused me of making up DS’s illnesses to keep DH & DS away from (yep, cause I totally snuck into a hospital 3 times, shoved tubes and cannulas into DS and took photos of it, just to avoid going to a freaking BBQ!).
• It has also gotten back to me that MIL & SIL’s have all bished about me to extended family & friends, about what an awful person I am. So I’ll be mortified if I ever have to see any of them again :/

I know the things they’ve done haven’t been the worst things IL’s have ever done, but I just can’t tolerate cr@p from people and I HATE drama, no matter who they are. I grew up in an emotionally (and physically) abusive household and promised myself that I’d never allow someone to treat me like that, or make me feel like that again. As I said to DH – if they were my family I would have called them out their bad behaviour and just walked away by now. But DH doesn’t want to cut ties, and has spoken to them and apparently they’ve all apologised…I’m yet to hear anything from them though, and it sounded more like they'd apologised to him, not to me :/

Mostly their behaviour just hurts as I make a conscious effort every day to be kind to people, respect everyone, and be considerate of others, so to be told I’m a bad person kinda stings.

So, my WWYD is – Would you:

1. give it one more go, be nice, suck it up and accept that you will never get an apology from them and may be treated like cr@p by them forever.
2. tell DH that you’re happy for him & DS to have a relationship with his family, but that you will not have anything to do with them as you don’t want to keep putting yourself in a position where you’re open to being repeatedly upset by them.
3. tell DH that you’re happy for him to have a relationship with his family, but that you will not have anything to do with them, and that you don’t want DS around them either as you don’t want him to think it’s acceptable for families to treat each other that way…and also, that if they can’t respect the mother, they don’t get rewarded by getting to be in the child’s life – not sure if this is me being petty or me standing up for myself??? I know this is what they have wanted all along – DH & DS to themselves without me in the picture, so I feel like I’d be letting them ‘win’…??? But at the same time I don’t want DS to be in the middle of a conflict that has nothing to do with him…???
4. Go there the next time and tell them all exactly what you think about them! (Oh how I wish I could!)

Sorry for the novel! TIA

[EverydayDreamer]

1 and if that didn't work 4 followed by 3 and then once DS old enough to decide and wanted to know them 2

So sorry that really isn't nice. In laws can be so tough sometimes it is very hard. There is no need for them to be so disrespectful

[Penny88]

Personally I think a combination of all 3. I would only associate with them for family occasions and take DS with on those occasions. If your DH wants to see them more often he can do so without you or DS as I wouldn't want my son around there without me as I don't know what would be said about me in front of him.

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[CompareTheMeerkat]

I agree with PP I would see them for christmas/easter but nothing else. I wouldn't stop dh seeing them but they wouldn't be welcome to be privy to my or my ds life.
I'm sorry you are going through this. They sound like horrible people.

[DT75]

2, sort of. I would tell DH that it makes me feel very sad that he thinks an apology (to him! the nerve!) makes things ok. That you have not received an apology, and cannot see any reason why it would be genuine regardless.
Explain that you (I'm saying you, but mean what I would do) feel this way, because they have been bad mouthing you to others. T
hat you feel uncomfortable at the thought of socialising now, as you do not know what they have said, or who to.
Tell him you are backing off from HIS family, as you don't feel part of it. That if they want a relationship with you, they need to sort out their issues.

IF you are happy for your son to spend time with them, make sure your husband knows that he needs to organise it, and it will not be done on your time.

[Barnaby]

Of the options I would choose 2.

but I don't think i would say 'I will not have anything more to do with them ever', it would be more of a conscious decision to disengage from his family. Be civil if
they are ever in the same room, but don't necessarily invest in their lives or allow them to invest in yours.

[littlelove]

Personally I think a combination of all 3. I would only associate with them for family occasions and take DS with on those occasions. If your DH wants to see them more often he can do so without you or DS as I wouldn't want my son around there without me as I don't know what would be said about me in front of him.

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This is what concerns me as DS gets older. They have said some really really awful things about DH's character in front of him, and I just thank God that he can't understand yet

[tazz475]

I would do 2. I'd advise against telling DH that you don't want him to see his family, although it would be nice if he came up with the idea himself if you suggest it, it will only look bad on you. While it is justified that you don't want DH to have anything to do with them, they are his family and giving him an ultimatum may lead to him resenting you in the future.

Sorry that they treat you like crap, it's not fair.

[BbBbBh]

2. I also wouldn't make a flat out statement I would just stop going anywhere that they were. I would let ds go with dh but monitor the effect it was having on him. If he started coming home with disrespect towards you then i'd probably stop him going too. Yes you and your il's are different people, have different values/beliefs and it sounds like the difference is affecting you. It's ok to pull back.

[littlelove]

I would do 2. I'd advise against telling DH that you don't want him to see his family, although it would be nice if he came up with the idea himself if you suggest it, it will only look bad on you. While it is justified that you don't want DH to have anything to do with them, they are his family and giving him an ultimatum may lead to him resenting you in the future.

Sorry that they treat you like crap, it's not fair.

Oh I'd never give DH an ultimatum about it. I'm happy for him to continue having a relationship with them so long as he chooses to.