My dd is 2. Since day 1 I keep telling myself things will get better, maybe after the newborn stage.... maybe after the infant stage... maybe once she's a toddler.... maybe once she can hold conversations with me... But no, it never gets any better. It just changes but the feeling of not enjoying being a mum does not change and I do not know what to do anymore which is why I am hoping I will find non-judgemental people here that can offer me advice on what to do.
I'm ashamed of writting this...
She's a beautiful child, my dh is amazing with her and loves spending time with her but I struggle and it hurts.
I work full time, 5 days a week, so its not like I am a SAHM that needs a break from being with a kid all day.
I am a person that thoroughly enjoys alone time and that has gone out the window since becoming a mother.
My dh used to watch our dd for an hour each day so I could go for a run. I loved my runs, sometimes i didn't want to run but I'd do it anyways just to get those 60 minutes to myself but after a month or so of doing this my dd got clingy to me and the guilt of leaving her took the best of me so I stopped running. She doesn't see me during the day and i couldn't take away 1 more hour. I resented not being able to take that time anymore.. I am desperate for my alone time and i feel selfish for wanting time to myself.
Every morning there's the battle to get her dressed, to brush her hair, to brush her teeth - i can't even brush her teeth because she win't let me. Then by the time we get home in the evening I battle to get her to have a bath, to put pj's on EVERYTHING is a battle. I'm so sick of it.
As a working mother who is also extremely introverted I struggle because I need that time to myself to do what I want. I feel like i have to give her all of me because she doesn't see me 40 hrs a week.
I'm not enjoying being a mother. I'm to selfish, i miss being carefee. I hate missing my old life but i do.
I want to enjoy being a mum, i really do but i don't know how ..., help
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28-12-2014 21:42 #1Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
I don't enjoy being a mum
28-12-2014 21:45 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I love my kids but some days I really miss my old life.
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28-12-2014 21:54 #3
I mostly enjoy my daughter but do find her to be especially feral on work nights which does make me miss my pre-child days where I could come home and leisurely cook dinner! I think it's completely normal to grieve your old life.
Just a practical thought, could you get up an hour earlier to go for a run in the morning, so you're still getting time to yourself but it doesn't take time away from your daughter?
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28-12-2014 21:59 #4
I just want to offer massive hugs. Not sure if I can offer any sound advice. But I wanted you to know I don't judge you. Not even a little bit.
I recently had DS1. He's now 3 months old.
Before DS, I would tell people I was never having kids. I didn't want kids and I didn't like kids.
People, women mostly, would say "you'll regret it if you don't" and I would always say "I'm more afraid of regretting it if I do." And they would always retort "no one ever regrets having kids."
But now I know that's simply not true. Some people regret it. Some don't regret it all the time, some don't regret it but miss their old life almost unbearably and others find it hard in ways they could never have imagined.
I don't know where you fit, maybe somewhere completely different, but I hope you find a way to find some balance and maybe chatting to someone is a good idea?
I hope you're ok x
28-12-2014 22:16 #5
I feel exactly the same.
Sometimes I feel like leaving them to my husband and leaving. He does everything better and I'm not lying. If we got a divorce I would let him have more custody than me.
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28-12-2014 22:20 #6
Please don't feel ashamed. Being a mother is difficult and takes a lot of adjustment, for some people that can take a long time. Sometimes getting external help can make a big difference.
Something that struck me about the tone of your post was that you seem disconnected or distant from your DD/being a mother. I got the impression you're going through the motions but not really feeling it. If that's the case, I really think you need to address it and talking about it here is a good first step. I do think you need to talk it through with a counsellor though, perhaps one that specialises in post natal depression or family counselling.
Toddlers are hard work. From their perspective, they have very little control in their lives so fighting the bedtime routine or refusing to get dressed in the morning is their way of trying to claim some control. It's exhausting and tedious for parents but totally normal. I don't think any parent enjoys that part of it.
Are there things you do with your DD that you do enjoy? How did you feel during your pregnancy and was it a planned pregnancy?
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28-12-2014 22:53 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
I couldn't read and not reply; I seriously could have written your post.
I feel exactly the same most days, DD is 2 and it's a constant struggle. I envy how easy DH finds parenthood because I find it so exhausting. People are always asking when we'll have a second and honestly sometimes I don't think we ever will because I think I would have an actual nervous breakdown.
Like you I'm an introvert and I crave alone time. I'm currently a SAHM but a teacher by profession. I just told DH yesterday that I can't bare the thought of going back to teaching, I can't handle the thought of being so social all day then coming home and having to interact with him and DD and not getting any alone time, without alone time I become very anxious and depressed and at the moment the constant toddler interaction and her being so clingy is really wearing me down.
There's no real point to my post I just really wanted you to know that you're not alone, and I don't judge you. This motherhood thing is really hard and if I knew then what I know now I'm not sure I would've had a baby at all...
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29-12-2014 07:07 #8
I agree with PP that some talking it over with a professional might help. Is there anyway you could cut down your work to 4 days a week but keep DD in her current care arrangement to give you a day free? I know that might not be possible either with your job or financially but it might be worth investigating if it might possibly improve your relationship with your DD.
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29-12-2014 07:26 #9
Definitely no judgement, you're not alone.
There hasn't been a day since DS was born that I haven't thought this was a huge mistake and wished that I had never gotten pregnant. My life before was really great, I can't believe I traded it! It's such a taboo thing to say though, because obviously all women are meant to be mothers and must love it every day, right?
And if you do admit these sort of feelings it tends to just be rationalised with "oh you must have PND!", which may be true in some cases, definitely not for me though.
No advice though sorry, I hope it does get easier. Two is still very young and dependent on you. I'm just hoping my children inherit my introvert genes and eventually we can all happily go to our separate rooms and have alone time, together!
29-12-2014 07:35 #10
Just wanting to say I feel the same a lot of the times. I really miss my freedom and a lot of the times just want to be left alone. My kids especially dd was very clingy to me and didn't even want to play with other kids. Now she is 5 she is much better. Ds who is 3.5 is also more independent so I am finding it has improved now they don't need my constant attention.
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