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  1. #1
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    Default Still unsure and very lonely...

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    Last edited by LysnDan; 20-12-2014 at 14:27.

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    I followed your story and had hoped things might have improved for you by now... In answer to your questions, no I don't think you can be happy after all that's happened in your marriage UNLESS your DH makes a real, sustained, honest and concentrated effort to admit his mistakes to you and gain back your trust. I think by you taking him back before he can even admit (to himself or you) the reasons for the behaviour at a MINIMUM, sort of implies that he doesn't need to do anything further to change.

    I don't think it's you who isn't trying hard enough.

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  5. #3
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    Have you two had some counselling together? XH and I saw someone through Relationships Australia, they adjust their fees based on your income. It helped a lot with our communication and some of our issues got sorted out. However, after about a year still together it became apparent that it just wasn't going to work. I could split with him knowing that we really had done all we could. So I would highly recommend that. If he refuses to go, then at least you will know you did everything YOU could.

    Funnily enough there were so many times with XH when I would think "I know a relationship takes work, but does it really take this much work?". With DH, we've had our share of bumps in the road but it has never felt anywhere near as much constant hard work as it was with my ex, and we've been together nearly 10 years now (was 7 years with ex - hard work for about 6 of them!). So, IMO, it should not take so much hard slog to make it work.

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    Sorry you are still having a rough time.... I don't think YOU can be happy in a sexless marriage as for YOU the lack of sex is caused by some pretty big underlying issues that haven't been dealt with.

    Unless you and hubby have been to counsellIng (or unless you have demanded he attend and stood firm in this to include consequences) then no I don't think enough has been done before splitting. CounsellIng is not just about fixing problems so you stay together. It's about talking through issues and somewhat understanding them and getting over the hurt so that when you do have to co-parent after splitting it's an amicable relationship (best for your daughter).

    Set some clear expectations and stick to them. Don't budge. You deserve to be happy in life.

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    Default Still unsure and very lonely...

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    Last edited by LysnDan; 20-12-2014 at 14:27.

  8. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by LysnDan View Post
    , I see no point in couples counselling right at the moment - until he brings it up and wants to change.
    I don't get this? Your relationship is going down the crapper, you don't communicate, there's no intimacy yet you don't see the point in counsellIng until he brings it up and wants to change? CounsellIng may very well help your DH make that decision to want to change. At the very least it could stop your relationship spiraling further out of control which would make co-parenting almost impossible.

    If it were me I would tell your hubby "couples counsellIng or I'm done." Drastic times call for firm and drastic measures...

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    Default Still unsure and very lonely...

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    Last edited by LysnDan; 20-12-2014 at 14:28.

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    Talking to hubby on your own won't work... It hasn't to date..

    . I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but it sounds like you aren't that invested in relationship counsellIng.... Surely as FIFO your DH would be on half decent $ ? Could you downsize, shop at Aldi, tell hubby to forgo his hobby for a while to make it possible?

    With the reluctance to couples counsellIng is it possible that deep down you don't want to save the relationship? (Wouldn't blame you if this was the case but I still think the counsellIng would help you co-parent better).

    Sorry tried to remove the dr Phil quote but for some reason it wouldn't. Brings up a good point though: you can't change a bad situation by maintaining the status quo.
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    Last edited by VicPark; 20-12-2014 at 13:56.

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    I agree, I would not wait for your DH to bring it up and I would prioritise the expense of couples counseling. We only needed a few sessions and the improvement to our communication was huge. You will find a couple's counsellor quite different to a psychologist (I've seen both), they don't want to get in depth looking at the deep down if whyvyou do this or he does that, they want to open up the talking and active listening so you can work through those things together.

    You asked if you have done enough and only you can answer that. For me, couples counseling was a last resort so when even that didn't fix things, I knew and still am at peace, that I really did try hard enough and splitting was the right thing.

  13. #10
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    Fyi he's the one saying we can't afford it. We are living week to week. We've already done up a budget and home and living expenses have been chopped. We never go out, never do anything... Don't have the money to. His hobby was motorbike riding. But he's stopped that altogether. We even have his car up for sale to try get some extra money.

    I will forgo my own counselling if it means we are happy. But 21.95/fn isn't going to pay for couples counselling. Is it? At the end of each pay week, we have all of 10-20 bucks in the joint bank account. With no savings (he tells me)

    This week we currently have $8.98 in it...I've had to forgo my own blood pressure medications (until luckily my mum came to help and paid for my prescription! Something I'm insanely embarrassed over.

    Thanks for the advice. Again. I will be the one to make it work... While he sits back and gets away with everything without lifting a finger!


 

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