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  1. #1
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    Default Im so disappointed. ..

    So christmas is a really big deal in our house... we love it! Everything about it. The whole family comes to our place and we try to include everyone in everything. Im an only child so my 3 year old and 3 month old are the only grandkids for my parents and my mum is very over the top/controlling regarding them and it often feels like she forgets who the parents are.

    One of the most special things is our annual santa visit, this year dh and I sent a text to my mum, dad, mil and sil and invited them to join us taking the boys to see santa so that nobody would miss out on their little faces seeing him. We have booked in at a place where we get a time slot in the room with santa and rudolph on our own... very magical, its next week and everyone said they'd love to come.

    So yesterday my mum asked if she could take ds aged 3 out for an hour to look at a truck show that was near by so I said yes and dropped him off, mum text me pictures of him looking at trucks then one of him sat on santas knee face gleaming! I was so sad to miss out so was dh. When she came back I was fuming for the last month when ever we have seen him at shopping centres etc dh and I have said we are having a special visit to santa with nanny etc so we have to wait ans he was fime with it. I told her I was disappointed to miss it and she left in a huff. She does things like this all the time, she takes over. She was funny with me last week because I wrote a letter to santa with him (my own son) and she didn't.
    I just told ds what's happening this week guests arriving certain days, carols, lunch out, santa visit etc ans he says but Iv seen santa with grandma. ...

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    I'd be disappointed too. This is the first year my 3yo really gets and understands Christmas, so I'd be sad if I wasn't the one to take her to see Santa.

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    Oh you poor Mumma I'd be furious!! I'll never understand why Grandparents feel the need to just do what they like.

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    In isolation I wouldn't bat an eyelid at the extra santa visit. He can see Santa twice and the next time will be so much better.

    But when you factor in the whole picture, that she is controlling and constantly over stepping her boundaries, I'd be p*ssed. I'm an only as well, so I totally get your frustration at you (and then your kids) being the center of your mum's universe. It's annoying and quite frankly a lot of pressure being so entirely responsible for someone's else's happiness. And her being annoyed at you doing the santa letter with *your* child is just plain weird, sorry.

    It's time to set some boundaries. Tell her gently that you are upset as you had put off the santa visit specifically to include her then she does it without you. Then lead into the fact you understand these are her only grandkids and she loves them blah blah, but they are your kids, not hers.

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    I would be really disappointed too OP. It's a challenging situation as it's great that your mum is so in love with your kids and so invested in them. However, she definitely sounds over the top. It might be time for a chat with her about the bigger issue. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about the Santa issue - I am sure your son will be excited to see Santa again, especially with his parents there too.

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    In an isolated incident I wouldn't think it was too bad, but then add in the rest and it's horrible.
    I am not an only child but I am the only child giving my parents grandchildren, and ultimately it has been a wonderful experience for me. My parents dote on my kids a lot, but they never overstep the mark and they know that some things are for us to do...like seeing Santa etc. I would have a serious discussion with your parents and if they can't understand that they are over stepping boundaries then I'd be reluctant to let them look after them without you being there.

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    In isolation I wouldn't bat an eyelid at the extra santa visit. He can see Santa twice and the next time will be so much better.

    But when you factor in the whole picture, that she is controlling and constantly over stepping her boundaries, I'd be p*ssed. I'm an only as well, so I totally get your frustration at you (and then your kids) being the center of your mum's universe. It's annoying and quite frankly a lot of pressure being so entirely responsible for someone's else's happiness. And her being annoyed at you doing the santa letter with *your* child is just plain weird, sorry.

    It's time to set some boundaries. Tell her gently that you are upset as you had put off the santa visit specifically to include her then she does it without you. Then lead into the fact you understand these are her only grandkids and she loves them blah blah, but they are your kids, not hers.
    This is exactly how I feel its suffocating being an only child and only gets worse not better

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    Woah. Do we share a mum? My mum is just like this!

    I would ****ed off if this happened and I think you need to set boundaries otherwise it'll affect your relationship with your mum, your mums relationship with your kids and your relationship with your hubby.

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    The fact that she didn't have the good grace to be sorry or accept your point of view is a screaming alarm for me. You need to lay down the law and soon. I mean, you invite them and then she goes behind your back and excludes you? Then gets huffy?! I would be very tempted to remind her that you could seriously restrict access to *your* children if need be and considering you go out of your way to include family, she doesn't get to act like a brat about it.

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    same as the above - as an isolated incident it would be different ... but as a symptom of an ongoing and larger problem I think you need to start to deal with it.

    I would see if you can arrange for your DH to look after kidlet - or if he is a good sleeper, invite them over for an adult chat.

    Sit and have coffee and have a good long talk (calmly, not emotional and angry) about asserting your role as parents and their role as grandparents.

    that means that they need to understand how to support your decisions (and Im talking about behaviour, food, gifts ... all kinds), but that you will allow them also to be the grandparents. Allow them to do special things with the kids that they dont get to do everyday, to make that special connection.

    That even though the kids cant have lollies all the time, they can give them special treats every so often. That they can develop 'Grandma/child' activities or fun things that are special that are just for them ...

    But that there are also things that you want to do, family traditions that you want to develop. That you will include them, but that they have to respect your wishes and your decisions.


    its very hard for grandparents with the first grandchildren ... they havent done this before and they dont know how to do it. To love them, but to step back and let someone else be the parent.

    You will have to teach them.



 

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