Just called my sister to tell her, for the first time, that I've come to terms with the fact that my husband is abusive.. Her attitude was 'oh, I wouldn't think too much of it, most husbands are like that'
Can you tell me, does your husband;
*yell at you
*blame you for everything
*control your finances & tell you what you can /can't buy
*insult your intelligence
*show little respect for you
*treat you like a burden
He also comments on my behaviour all the time & how I act/speak to his friends & family
"don't say that again. You sounded up yourself saying that, that was rude don't talk/act like that"
He has to give me his two cents on everything I do from wiping the bench tops to business decisions.. And it's always negative criticism. Never positive.
I'm just tired. Tired of defending myself to a man that doesn't really deserve any explanations.
I've been reading a lot about abusive partnerships & one thing that really struck out was how well he can compose himself when he's talking to EVERYONE else. He has a great job, friends & family & they would think he is the nicest quietest most polite man.. But he's anything but towards me. He clearly has the ability to control himself he just chooses to let loose with me.
He's not 'intentionally physically violent' although he has conveniently accidentally hurt me when she's had the sh1ts before (hit me in the face with a coat hanger most recently)
He's a great dad & treats his daughter like a princess he just has zero respect for her mother. Yesterday I told him he either pulls his socks up & makes an effort or we are out of here (again)
Now that dd is getting older I don't want her thinking it's acceptable for her husband to speak to her/treat her like her father treats me.
I'm interested in hearing bother ends of the spectrum of opinions & advice.
We've been together for 7 years & I feel like I can't do anything right (I don't even bother to try any more I just try my best to avoid & ignore him)
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07-12-2014 06:22 #1-
- Join Date
- Mar 2013
My husbands BAD behaviour.
07-12-2014 06:45 #2
He definitely shouldn't be treating you like that or making you feel that way. You deserve so much better and I completely agree that a daughter shouldn't see their father treat their mother badly. Sorry I don't have any advice but maybe talk to someone else in your life about it as your sister seemed a bit clueless xx good luck and great big hugs
07-12-2014 06:56 #3
My DH isn't perfect, but he does none of those things to me.
Your sister is wrong to dismiss his abuse as normal husband behaviour. If she thinks it's normal, then that is quite sad in itself.
If he knows how much he hurts you but can't acknowledge his behaviour is a problem, it would be ultimatum time for me : Address the behaviour by getting counselling or it's over.
07-12-2014 07:01 #4
I don't think that is normal or acceptable. It also sounds like a cycle - you've left once, come back and got a while it's ok and then it starts again and usually escalates. That is an abusive cycle.
The fact that he can control it when he wants to reeks of manipulation and control issues. Have you looked up narcissistic partners?
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07-12-2014 07:04 #5
I'm so sorry to hear this. I think you are 100% right though. All the behaviours you have mentioned are consistent with emotional abuse and no one deserves to be put down and treated so poorly especially from the one person who is should be your number one fan.
A partnership is an equal and balanced pairing of love, responsibility, care and support. And your sounds anything but balanced at the moment.
I would highly recommend seeking some advice outside of your family and friends and talk with a licensed professional for some real advice on what's next. As well meaning as family are they are often not equipped to deal with these situations. And clearly your sister is misinformed on what is acceptable behaviour from a spouse. It's not normal guy behaviour. It's not ok. You do have a right to say no and expect better!
I guess it comes down to two options at the core of it.
- given appropriate tools and help, should your husband reform and make a genuine effort to change. Could you forgive him for his past behaviour and continue to live as a loving supportive couple. ?
- regardless off his efforts to make a change, has the hurt gone on too long and will this past damage continue to 'poison the well' leading you to a continued resentment and distaste for your relationship together. ?
Recognising this isn't normal is really the hardest part for a lot of people. It takes courage to say 'I'm not ok with this, I deserve more' and I applaud you wanting the same for your daughter.
Best wishes for the future. I hope things can become a lot happier for you whatever you decide. xx
07-12-2014 07:12 #6
Wow that sound like a horrible way to live. You deserve so much better,and I wholeheartedly agree with you when it comes to your daughter. I left a distant, neglectful (among other things) husband, mainly for my daughters. I didn't want them growing up with our horrible relationship as a role model for their futures.
My new partner does not do any of the things you mentioned, not even close. It is not in anyway normal or acceptable. Makes me feel sad for your sister who believes it is. You at least have the insight to know something is very wrong. Maybe if you do leave your sister might see you example and look to her own relationship a bit more.
Big hugs for you, leaving is hard, but staying can be hard too. I wish you well.
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07-12-2014 07:21 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
Sounds very much like narcissistic personality disorder to me. Very hard to live with and almost impossible to change. I sincerely hope you have the courage to leave for a better life for you and your daughter. I recently stopped taking to my brother due to his narcissistic traits. Such hurtful people. It will be difficult to leave your Dh but IMO would be for the best in the long run. All the best
07-12-2014 07:23 #8
OP what an awful way to live, I can't imagine coming home to that every day. I think you're right for not wanting to expose your DD to the bad behaviour of your DH towards you, it would be terrible for her to grow up assuming that's acceptable behaviour in any relationship. It's also completely unacceptable for your DH to belittle and control you in the way that he has for so long.
07-12-2014 07:34 #9
Op I'm so sorry your going through this. It s**ts me so much to hear of men (and women) treating someone they 'love' like this! Real love means you care about the other persons feelings and don't want to hurt them. Do you think he actually realises this stuff hurts your feelings? Argh makes me so cranky. My DH isn't perfect either and with a few drinks can morph into an a**hole and I always tell him, you don't treat someone you LOVE like that. 😡
07-12-2014 07:38 #10
@FITCHICK, I'm going through the exact same situation at the moment.
I've just moved out a week ago and am going in to start negotiations with him today.
I'm doubting a leopard can change his spots but am going to try and give it ago for DD's sake but like you, I won't have her brought up in an environment where it's ok for him to talk to me like that.
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