I find it a bit full on to spend Christmas with your girlfriend/boyfriend families.
To me, until you're married or in a serious relationship (ie have your own job, not relying on families for $$, living together etc), your family unit is still your parents.
But at 21yo I wouldn't have cared to spend this special day with the ILs. I would much rather be with my parents and siblings and meet up later with my BF.
Anyway that being said, it sounds like your son made a choice.
I think it is completely reasonable to let him know how you feel. Tell him you will miss them but you understand that he wants to spend some Christmas with her family. I'd also start talking about alternative Christmas.
But it's important he knows how you feel or he will always assume you don't care if he does Christmas elsewhere and won't consider alternative plans.
My DH is like that. His parents never ever say anything about their feelings or emotions so he thinks they just don't care. I had to educate DH about his parents emotions 😝
But it's on them for never telling how they feel to avoid being "that parent".
There's a world between guild tripping your kid and being open about your feelings.
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04-12-2014 07:57 #51
04-12-2014 08:01 #52
To an extent yes. It can't be easy (& I am dreading this in the future).
Don't be "that" MIL who complains her son has been taken away by his GF.
DH & I once we were serious, started alternating where we were each year - Christmas Eve at one, then Christmas day at the other (with a 4hr drive between).
We did want to have Christmas at ours last year but MIL kicked up a stink & sulked about it being "her year". DH was pretty irritated but gave in & but he did so with some resentment.
As pps have mentioned, how about make plans for another day (boxing day etc) to have them over. And ask them if they can come to yours for Christmas next year.
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04-12-2014 08:03 #53
It sounds like you're having a tough time dealing with this. It must be hard.
As for your questions...honestly, yes, I think you're being unreasonable resenting the GF or being upset that he won't be there. Now I'm not saying you can control that, of course we all think and feel things that may not be perfectly reasonable.
The REASON I think it's unreasonable is that you have certain expectations of your son (that he be with your family for lunch), and because he isn't meeting those, you're feeling negative towards him/his GF. I feel that these kinds of parental expectations are ALWAYS unreasonable. Your adult child has no obligation whatsoever to be with you, to do things that would make you happy, to have children or get married because it's what you want (general "you", as it's a common one). Even expressing those expectations can be a fantastic way to alienate your child. My DP has as little as possible to do with him mum because her constant expectations of him make his anxiety flare up. She has no clue whatsoever, because she thinks she's being perfectly reasonable.
I know it must be hard, and I hope you find a way to move past your feelings and enjoy some family time with your son and his GF. I have to agree with others though; letting him know how you feel - even indirectly - may be a recipe for disaster.
04-12-2014 08:17 #54
You can't ever except another family (gf family) to change their plans to suit your family needs/wants. Life just doesn't work that way.
Mega hugs I know how hard it is.
I only get to see dd1 over Skype for a few min at breakfast time. So I really do get how much it hurts.
04-12-2014 08:17 #55
I'd be annoyed but wouldn't say anything. We usually alternate, so spend lunch with my dads family for lunch, dinner with hubby's mums family, then swap. If we're having lunch with one side of the family (I.e. Lunch with hubby's family this year), we go to the other family (my family) for breakfast so the kids can open their presents and we usually hang around until my relo's arrive so we can say Merry Christmas then weekend head off to our lunch with the other side of the family. Maybe you could suggest something similar to your son.
It makes for a tiring day but I love christmas and having Boxing Day to recover :-)
04-12-2014 08:25 #56
Hugs xx it is hard, and I can imagine how hurt you must be feeling.
He is an adult though and free to make his own choices. Could you have him and gf over for breakfast? When hubby and I were dating we would do breakfast or lunch with one of our families and dinner with the other.
Please don't make him feel guilty about it. Hubby's mum has done this many times to him around Christmas and it really upset him (and made him that much more determined to do what he wanted). You don't want to drive him away.
Even this year we are having mil over for breakfast and then having an early dinner with my family (to accommodate our 2 little ones).
I hope you can find a compromise so you can still see your son on Christmas xx
04-12-2014 08:34 #57Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
The OP said something earlier about what the son and his GF did for Christmas "last year" which suggests that they've been together for at least a year. To me, that's a long enough amount of time that I would consider it a serious relationship, regardless of living arrangements. Clearly they want to spend Christmas together and that's their choice to make.
OP, I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. Your son is an adult, he can make his own choices. I understand why you are hurt but this is just what happens when your kids grow up.
Last edited by DarcyJ; 04-12-2014 at 08:36.
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04-12-2014 08:39 #58Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
As a mother of a DS 19 who is in the same situation this year i need to say this
to all those who have said negative things, - just remember this... if you have a son now or in the future, this scenario will probably happen to you and you will hate it so allow us mums who are going through it this year to feel s**ty about the situation and perhaps offer us sympathy and friendship rather than tell us we are controlling etc etc...... maybe we dont want to sux it up , maybe we want our child no matter how old he is or who he is with, with us on the day, .. we are allowed to feel like we do .........
04-12-2014 08:43 #59
She asked if she was unreasonable and while I think her feelings are natural and she has every right to be upset. She is being unreasonable in not entertaining the idea of maybe starting a new special tradition with her and her son.
That is the sucky thing about having kids. Our babies will one day grow up and leave the nest. You just need to work out how you handle it
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