oh hon, it must be tough for you! But I agree with what everyone else has said.
He's 21 and this is his gf, could be his lifelong partner, probably worth seeing her as such now?
Now, if she were YOUR daughter, would you be calling her controlling? Or is it just because you feel she's taken your son from you? Imagine being HER parent, if her and your son had decided to come to your party instead of theirs? Would you son be labelled controlling then?
Just another way to look at it, and definitely not meant in a hurtful way. I think it's very important to look at both sides. You see so many of the lovely bubhub ladies hurt badly by their MILs because they treat them as if they've stolen their son's. Luckily, my MIL see's it more like gaining a daughter. I'm one of the lucky ones.
Results 41 to 50 of 100
04-12-2014 07:04 #41
04-12-2014 07:08 #42
I'm sorry this must really hurt for you @WiseOldOwl. I would be devastated if one of my kids totally disappeared on Christmas day too, so I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling hurt. Its a shame if you don't see eye to eye with the girlfriend and that's allowable, so kudos to you for being nice towards her.
As for christmas day, you said he probably doesn't realise you are feeling hurt. So couldn't you just say to him its great that he has been invited to spend the day with her family, and "now lets make plans for our christmas, when will we see you?" Even if its chrismas eve, boxing day or Christmas morning, you have every right to stake your claim to his time and it can be done in an easy non-pushy way. I hope it works out for you
04-12-2014 07:11 #43
Our family does lunch because of the 6 small children that find dinner too long to wait and it is at my sister's house so I can't really dictate when it should be. GF's family does not have any small children to worry about.
04-12-2014 07:13 #44
Like I said, I totally get the hurt. I do, I would be too. But I think you need to be very careful. This may end up your DIL and the mother of your grandkids. Ask your son to do it alternate years so you get them next year. If they settle down they may have it every year and invite both sides so you do see him every year. I would hate to see you excluded bc by the point they have kids and are hosting you are "the controlling MIL" that doesn't get invited.
04-12-2014 07:16 #45
I have a grown DD, who ill be seeing this coming Xmas day for the first time in 3 years because, well, she has her own life now.
I don't understand why the mums of sons think their girlfriends are stealing them away, or dragging them off from their families?
Can't the boys think for themselves?
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04-12-2014 07:17 #46-
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04-12-2014 07:31 #47
I completely understand how much it hurts. You've had things a particular way with your son for so long, and now it's all changing and there is another person in his life, and another family to think about. I can imagine that I will find this difficult when the time comes.
HOWEVER - the reality is, that things will change. As he gets older, a GF might become his wife, he will have children of his own, and things will get more difficult. You won't be able to have xmas lunch with him every single year - with xmas eve to prepare and day to recover and take the young kids home for dinner - it just can't be when there are other families to consider. You will just have to come up with a compromise you are all happy with.
I'd try to sit down and talk to him about what compromise you can come up with. I'd ask him if he could please alternate xmas lunch each year - one year at hers, one year at yours. That sounds fair to me. Then discuss what you are going to do on your non-lunch year - xmas dinner (we do xmas lunch with one family and xmas dinner with the other every year, and then swap. We have young kids, and it works fine. The kids go to bed or lie down and have a movie after dinner, and the adults get to have a wine and some quiet time - it's actually really lovely.) Other options are xmas eve dinner, or boxing day lunch. I avoid xmas morning brekkie, because I find it's too much of a rush, and we don't get a lot of time with family then - but that might work for you. I would still do xmas lunch with your sister, but have another xmas meal with just your family & your son & gf so that you can share some time together.
When I was dating my DH, we divided up xmas evenly between both families, and swap xmas lunch each year. My MIL still cried and carried on our first xmas doing this, because her son wasn't all to herself anymore, and she wanted us with her for the day. Both families still make little 'digs' at us about how much time we spend with each family. TBH, it makes things really difficult for us, and can put a bit of a dampener on xmas. We never get to do what we want, or what we want for our children, it's always about making our families happy and doing what THEY want. I think it's important to be considerate of your family at xmas, but also important to be able to consider your own wants a little bit too - which your son will want to do more the older he gets and more his own family grows.
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04-12-2014 07:44 #48Senior Member
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- Jan 2013
And this exact stuff is the reason that both mine and DH's family don't celebrate Christmas together. I you celebrate with one, the other gets butt hurt. Instead, we celebrate our family togetherness (which is the proper meaning of Christmas anyways) with our respective families on later dates that everyone is available for. Why not celebrate on New Years Day? It's a public holiday. That was when we celebrated with DHs family when we all lived in the same city.
We are celebrating with DHs family on Australia Day long weekend this year and with my family the weekend before.
It makes for a totally stress free enjoyable Christmas with just DH, the kids (8yrs old and under) and I.
04-12-2014 07:45 #49
What I find tough is how things seem to work well for several years and then BAM kids grow up, get married and families get bigger and bigger with more commitments. All if a sudden things change - but it takes a few years for the new Christmas routine to settle in.
Big hugs. It is really hard.
We now have both extended families doing a Christmas lunch one Sunday in Dec or late Nov. Then the smaller immediate family over Xmas eve, day and Boxing Day. I try and book everything in August to avoid disappointment.
Take your time to process the hurt. Not that anyone had done anything wrong but it does hurt.
If you can, be proactive and start your own immediate family tradition on Boxing Day or bfast or something - then you can always have it.
04-12-2014 07:51 #50
I moved to the other side of the world from my mum with my then boyfriend. Was he controlling? Nope! I was also only 21 at the time so pretty hard for my mum.
She has never once (in 10 years and with a grandchild now) guilt tripped me and has been nothing but loving and supportive. She knows I am doing the right thing for me, and she puts my happiness above her own. I have nothing but love and respect for her for that. I will certainly try to do the same with my son no matter what he chooses.
If you love them set them free, as they say.
It's only xmas lunch. Plenty of other days in the year. Yes it's a special one of course but you can't expect him to spend each one with you as an adult. Of course it needs to be split with his girlfriends family.
And the old stereotype of mothers thinking their sons girlfriends are all ungrateful, controlling, etc. Come on. We were all girlfriends once and I'm sure we werent all bad!
You need to work hard to hide how you feel. Yes it's hard but it's part of being a parent. He will love you for it and ultimately they will likely both want to spend more time with you. Win-win.
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