someone had asked me a similar question a few months ago, and I'll post my answer here again so forgive the cut and paste, but I can honestly say - now at three months post birth my feelings haven't wavered.
Interesting question, I had Edie almost 4 weeks ago now so all the emotions are still pretty new and fresh for me.
Honestly the whole way through I have felt that DE was the best option for us - after 6 rounds of OE IVF with varying degrees of failure (success?) I was ready to move on. In fact I was ready to move on after 3 rounds but DH was not.
I'm a bit of a realist, and this is not to deter anyone in here from chasing their OE dream, but I just couldn't keep doing it, to myself, my husband and our life. Our miscarriage last Nov was the last straw for me and I needed to move on to DE and to have some positivity and favorable odds back in my life. I also needed a good holiday so we went to Cape Town with the idea it was as much a wonderful holiday as the chance to finally have a baby. And we loved every minute of it. Most importantly, we went with the expectation that it may not work the first time, we hoped like crazy that it would, but also knew using a donor is not the silver bullet that some people make it out to be.
I did blog about my whole experience so far - I'm not allowed to link here but if you google donoreggjourney it should show up. I haven't written my birth story or the emotions I've encountered so far yet, but I'll try to explain it here.
All through my pregnancy in the back of my mind I wondered a lot of things, what this baby would look like, would I bond with her and would it be as strong as if she is my OE baby? Would she know I was her mother? Probably all the things you are questioning now.
Once she was born and put on my chest for a couple of minutes - I just looked at this strange little creature and cried. She is the accumulation of all my dreams, wants, love, tenacity, resilience. She is the most wanted baby, I see in her my lost baby and I feel an absolute knowing that we were meant to be in each other's lives. I don't grieve that she's not genetically linked to me, I celebrate she is in my life and I have the opportunity to be her mother. Every day I just look at her in awe and I tell her how much we love and wanted her and I still cry when I say these words to her. I see my husband being an even better father than I imagined he would be and that just makes me so happy.
Sure, in the first few days I had the normal hormonal drop that every woman has with having a baby and I questioned if I could be a good mother, could I handle this? Have I made a mistake? Am I too old and all of those questions but now that has all settled and I'm left with this little person in my life who I will be eternally thankful for and I know I have made the right decision for us. So much so that we are already planning our return trip for her sibling.
You have to be comfortable with the decision to move on to donor eggs, see a counsellor at your IVF clinic and talk it through. There are different emotions you go through but I didn't find them confronting, they are what they are.
Results 921 to 930 of 1020
11-02-2015 07:41 #921
11-02-2015 07:45 #922
11-02-2015 08:55 #923
Good luck @Skyler, my thoughts are with your blasties . @Petal40 - my 2 pregnancies were both first scanned at 6 weeks and both times my Dr couldn't find the heartbeat. Both times he sent me to a radiology clinic and they were able to find the HB no problem (only a couple of days later). I think his office equip was just not up to the standard of theirs. Also, I was very impatient so pretty much went at EXACTLY 6 weeks - couldnt wait any longer than that. @MissDa, you probably read my comments already about my egg donor. I signed up for a donor under the assumption that by the time I got one I would be at least 43 (12 mth wait min) so by then my chances would be almost non-existent and my OE journey would be well over. I figured that I would just have a couple more goes with my own before that, then onto donor. But oh woe is me, I had a donor in 9 days. Pooooor me !! People would kill for that opportunity - but I wasn't quite ready however couldn't possibly let the opportunity go.
I guess my point is if you are absolutely sure its not going to happen with your own eggs (which I wasn't quite) and don't want to try any more then this is the closest thing you will have to your own genetic baby. Your body is making all those cells, fuelling them with your blood and metagenetics dictate that your body affects the genes of the developing baby and turn on or off characteristics which will make the baby unique to you. My brother has a 2 and a 3 yo and neither of them look anything like him or their mother. They could be anyone's kids ! I'm sure I will see DP in any baby resulting from my embies. Besides, would I rather a baby that is 100% mine physically and 100% DP's genetically - or no baby at all. My decision is made, I may have some regrets along the way but I'm positive if/when I give birth that all doubts will be long gone. Good luck with it.
And remember @Leisylou - if not for you that child would never even have existed. They are 100% yours and the love you share will be exactly the same. We will be creating little people from 1 donated cell !! What a miracle it is that this can even be done.
Last edited by JulieMalooley; 11-02-2015 at 09:05.
11-02-2015 09:00 #924
Hi ladies, sorry to be awol, I've been in a bit of pain since epu and was back at work yesterday and it was a crazy busy long day!
We got 8 eggs at epu, 7 were mature, 1 was necrotic (never had that before), and 6 have fertilised correctly. Waiting on the day 3 freeze results tomorrow.
Yep @Butterfly39 this banking caper is very different. I am kinda glad I'm not transferring and going through that whole bfn rigmarole. At least when we do transfer next time I'll know the egg is good and we have a higher chance of it working. In regards to your bleeding, I'd def talk to your FS. I took clexane from day one and did have a bit of bleeding when doing my injections, but it stopped after a couple of seconds after pulling out the needles. And yep, on high doses of FSH you will get blinding headaches (I've been on 600 and 400 on this cycle). Best thing to do is try and drink lots and lots of water and if in doubt take panadol or panadeine. Much better to knock the headache out than try and tough it out. I did accupuncture all the way through my cycle and only had a couple of instances where the one in my forehead bled, but once again, only for a few seconds. Oh and have fun on valentines day
@Petal40 yay for a good scan, don't worry about the HB and the stupid technician, go with what your nurse said, and I've never heard of people having a heartbeat really early, they say 6-7 weeks, so try and relax.
@leshoja; the one thing I have found in the 2+ years of IVF, everything happens when its supposed to happen and everything we feel is exactly what we are supposed to be feeling at that time. Don't beat yourself up over how you are feeling and think you 'should' feel a certain way. You feel what you feel and if anyone doesn't like it, well they can jump, they aren't living your life, you are. Yep, it was my comment from lucy of catching rainbows who said it first. Here is a cut and paste from the email:
Fear is a powerful thing. It gets in the way of our ability to allow what we want to come into our experience, and it clouds our judgement. But what if you knew this one thing that could change everything and help you truly unfold your path with ease?
Here’s the thing:
Your children are destined to be yours.
You don’t have to worry that they won’t make it. You don’t have to fear that you will do the wrong thing and they won’t be able to get to you, or that somehow you will end up with the ‘wrong person’. You won’t choose the wrong embryo to put back, or adopt a child only to find its not the person you were supposed to end up with. You won’t have IVF exactly the month you would have finally fallen pregnant naturally.
We make it very tough for ourselves because we are taught all through our lives that we have to take the right action or else we are screwed. Apparently it’s easy to f**k everything up. It’s easy to miss your chance - geez we even can worry that if we go to that gym class we will interrupt the moment of implantation and ruin our potential pregnancy. We are conditioned to feel like it’s all out of our control, yet it is kind of also up to us to control what we can - what the hell is that all about?!
You are responsible for everything going wrong but if anything goes right then that is just luck?
Sorry excuse my language but what a load of bollocks.
I have been part of hundreds of amazing flukey stories, pregnancies that should never have happened, adoptions that feel like they were always meant to be, conceptions happening naturally halfway through an IVF cycle. I also can categorically say that children find their parents, and it is always the perfect match. It’s never ever wrong. Crazy stuff goes on you know, and yes we can’t hang around hoping to be ‘that one’ with an amazing story but I just want you to consider this:
If you weren’t scared that it wouldn’t happen, and you knew absolutely that it could, what would that change about your actions?
I found that super powerful. It has even helped me with the whole DE issue. As it is a very real future that we might be facing. If our PGD comes back with no normals then that's it for my eggs. I was totally against DE at first as I thought - the baby won't be mine, it won't look like me etc. Then I spoke with my FS who said "rubbish" it might start out genetically not a part of you, but you are the one nourishing the baby, it's your blood that is feeding it, and running through their veins. And when it comes down to it, after carrying that baby for 9 months and feeling it grow and kick inside you, it will 100% be yours and a part of you. You won't even think about it.
That's my 2 cents worth anyway.
@Leisylou you go girl! I knew you could do it. Sometimes the fear of the injections is actually worse than the actual thing. I'm not sure on how far away you can be to give your sample. I know we only live half an hour or so (more in Sydney traffic if it's being temperamental) and they said DH would have to give his sample at the clinic. He has never complained about it, although he does say he gets embarrassed. But I tell him that in the embarassment stakes I win every time, I have dildo cams and my vagina needled everytime, let alone the darn injections that hurt like a b((ch and what it does to my hormones. He shuts up quick then. I also make him sort himself out during a cycle. No way i'm bd'ing when my belly is bloated and I'm going through severe PMS
@Skyler thanks so much for thinking of me. I'm sure you are going to have some normals in your 3 that were sent off for testing. And just think about how much calmer you will be when you do your FET with the knowledge that you have a great fighting chance of it working. it's one less thing to worry about.
@Luckyme1 I hope your Dr is ok.
congrats @jackdemps that is wonderful news. Did you do all 11 cycles at IVFA? Do you have any on ice? I have just moved there (well middle of last year) and after testing am now doing embryo banking with the view to doing PGD on the next cycle with all the frosties. I think it will def give me clarity on what we are working with.
11-02-2015 09:20 #925
Chiefsgirl that is an excellent fert rate! Congratulations. And thanks for your very comforting comments, what a lovely email from Lucy. That should be a bit of a 'pick me up' for us all.
11-02-2015 10:35 #926
Thankyou @leyshoja very wise words indeed and something to hang on to when I have my doubts come up about potentially doing DE cycles in the future.
And a huge thank you to @Chiefsgirl for that beautiful piece that really tells it like it is. That is very reassuring and I found it so, so true. I am very guilty of exactly what was said there - what if that exercise session that I did was the cause of my miscarriage, what if I missed my supplements on one day and that was why I got a BFN, what if I do DE and the next cycle was the one that was going to be OK with my own... So that is quite powerful, thank you for sharing.
11-02-2015 12:54 #927
@Chiefsgirl glad to hear you're on the other side of EPU. What an amazing journey we are all on in our quest for Motherhood, it is such a strong drive isn't it. I'll happily turn anything and everything into a substitute child, whether it's a wounded bird, the teens down the road, and I love all the babies I meet through my job and would happily take any of them home to play with any day of the week. To me, a baby that is made from your body is your baby, no question, whether it started off life as 1 tiny cell somewhere else is not relevant compared with the amazing influence of the woman who nurtures it and nourishes it and gives it life to come to know this earthly experience of love and family. But that's just my own perspective, I love looking after things, and watching them grow, I'll adopt virtually any wretched creature if it looks hungry, mum always jokes that my plants are subject to 'grow or drown!'... I'm always watering them and fussing over them. Mind you I did get kilos of beautiful tomatoes this year
Afm ... First ultrasound today shows X17 follies over 1cm and some smaller ones, so yes something is happening. I still feel uber stressed though and phoned my poor lovely FN today 3 times already with stupid crap.
Last edited by Butterfly39; 11-02-2015 at 12:59.
11-02-2015 14:24 #928
11-02-2015 17:32 #929
Yes, fn rang to tell me e2 is >6000. We are pushing on, and will do bloods Friday and back out then if we have to *groan* otherwise EPU is all set for Monday.
I saw my Aunt on the way to head back for work, who is a 'no nonsense' nursing sister, as she was doing my clexane injections for me as I just couldn't stand doing them myself anymore lol ... She basically took 1 look at me flapping about and insisted I should can work for a few days which I'm really glad for. I told work what was happening and they also told me I should take a week off so at least that's something. I'm so lucky to have a nice workplace like that. I have the most awesome and understanding boss, he is so lovely.
Last edited by Butterfly39; 11-02-2015 at 17:38.
11-02-2015 19:18 #930
Butterfly, fingers crossed they push you through to EPU and just monitor you like crazy. OHSS is treatable! Sounds wreckless but when my e2 was getting highish I just put up with the pain and thought 'just get these eggs out and I'll deal with the consequences later'. Would not have minded being hospitalised and on iv fluids for OHSS as long as no eggs were sacrificed. Sounds crazy I know. I'd rather make myself sick than lose eggs. Ivf has made me nuts. But seriously, take care of yourself and listen to that aunty!
Where are you MGC Bertie? You had some tests this week didn't you? Harmony and 12 week scan?
Hi to everyone else
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