You are an incredibly brave and strong woman to come on here and ask for help in this situation. You may not feel it now but you have that strength in you if you ever need to find it again.
Good luck and I hope the next few weeks are smooth sailing now. You will have your beautiful baby in your arms soon.
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09-11-2014 23:45 #111
10-11-2014 06:44 #112
You have had a bloody horrible time.
You don't owe an explanation! Only you know what's right for your family at a particular point in time.
I've been there with my DF. The Internet thing. I know 100% that he would never act on it and it's him being a d.ick but I don't accept it and he knows.
Your DH knows what you'll do if he doesn't sort himself out.
I think counselling together is a good idea.
I also think, speaking from experience, that you might want to agree to have 100% honesty and openness when it comes to electronic devices because he has broken your trust, it's going to take a long time for you to trust again.
Others will disagree with me and say if you have to check someone's phone you clearly don't trust them and shouldn't be with them, but it's not that black and white to me. Checking his phone isn't necessarily about keeping tabs on him, but more about reassuring you.
He also has to accept that after this, there may be times out of the blue that you're angry, seemingly for no reason. But he has to wear that.
He needs to tell that woman their friendship is over - no questions.
Finally - also contentious, but it took a fantastic psychologist to help me understand that this behaviour doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you or your relationship. It's hard to understand but in my relationship it was true. My DF didn't think about me or us. There was nothing wrong with us. He loved me then as he does now and he didn't connect the two. To him they were mutually exclusive. Some people won't buy that, but I know my DF like no one else does. Likewise for you and your DH.
Best wishes for a safe and beautiful birth of your daughter. Take the best care of yourself xx
10-11-2014 07:20 #113
Glad you're going ok OP.
10-11-2014 07:41 #114
Hun, you need to do what you feel is right. If staying with him is what you feel is right then that's it.
I wish you nothing but strength, happiness and love.
Couples counselling, combined with individual counselling is probably a good idea.
All the best for your upcoming birth.
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10-11-2014 07:46 #115
I can understand why you have let him home. All I will say is make counselling, both on his own and together a non negotable requirement to coming home for a decent period. Something is going on within him where he doesn't respect your marriage or you. He needs to get to the bottom of why that is and how he can change it. It's pretty clear he loves you. But you need more than love to sustain the relationship.
I hope I don't sound negative. All I'm saying is make him earn you back and be mindful there has been a pattern.
10-11-2014 07:53 #116
Good luck, definitely go to the couples counselling and make sure he knows up front it's not a one off session and you're fixed, expect once a week for a few months at least.
10-11-2014 07:54 #117
...and you both will have to do the work that the counsellor suggests... It only works if you work it, as they say.
10-11-2014 09:42 #118
Thanks so much all the support is just out of this world on here. I don't know how to thank you all....
I am just so messed up about it all, i just wish this never happened and i think i actually hate him for it. I love him, but i hate the person he is. He has actually been so deceitful with me i just can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
I know i wont be able to get over this either. Ill see how i feel once the baby is a few months old and if it's till effecting me and i still feel like i do now, i will end it. I guess i am just worried about the baby for now... she barely moved the whole time this unfolded, only just enough to let me know she was still alive.She's back moving again today because i don't have the stress of him calling me and begging me, and the fears off the future at the moment.
I am probably making a massive mistake accepting him back again. I guess right now i just can't think straight. He definitely timed it very well this time,doing this while i am in this position - my due date is tomorrow. But i know how i am and this will most likely be still hurting me months even years down the track... so the likelyhood of us lasting is very slim. Basically the way i see it right now is he is back here again purely for me to use him up for financial help as i only worked part time so only getting part time payments right now, and as a extra set of hands so i am not pestering other people to help me. I feel no love or affection towards him. He is back telling me he loves me as he leaves for work, and it made my skin crawl....
He has already during the thick of it told me he is tired of me still being hurt over his past **** ups... but now he has added another one for me to 'get over and not bother him about it"
I will be reading to him today the responses in this thread as you have all worded things better than I could.
Ah well, i guess im just gonna put all my focus now on getting this baby out safely.... the poor little thing has been through enough in the past couple days. Regarding husband... i just feel numb. But somewhat calmer now with the decision i have made for the current time...
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10-11-2014 09:52 #119Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
I have been reading along your story the past couple of days. I just wanted to wish you luck. I think that right now, your main priority and instincts are to safely deliver your baby. So you're probably doing the right thing by minimising the awful stress right now. If that means pressing pause on your marriage issues for a while while you focus on having your baby then that's a good thing.
Your husband and his problems can be worked on later - after you and baby are safe. That's number one right now.
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10-11-2014 09:55 #120Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
I don't blame you for deciding to stay for now or for feeling nothing for that SOB.
That is a very healthy response especially considering that he is now acting like its all ok again. Wth? And he's bothered that HE has to deal with your feelings?
Actually he is an A hole of biblical proportions.
He only appears to cry for himself- for HIS loss, for his pain. If any of his tears were genuinely for what he has done to you he would not have been complaining about the emotional fall out for you that he has to face (-as a consequence of HIS choices).
He has no idea and no right to ask anything of you- at all. He should be thanking his lucky stars he isn't out on his a** and should be using this time to help you any way that he can.
Waltzing off to work kissing you goodbye is his way of not acknowledging the situation at all. Which is truly bizarre.
I get the sense that there is something very wrong with him. Counseling may help but it may not.
Either way- the only person that matters in this are you and your children. I wish you love and strength not just for the birth but on going.
Like Vic said so bloody perfectly- One day you will look back and realize you got through it all. You will get through this and be happy again x
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