Saw this in the Age today:http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and...201-3llg2.html Cannot believe this woman.... if my husband said anything to our son along the lines of "awww, and mummy says she doesn't want any more but look how much he loves you" as an attempt to "persuade" me I would be so hurt and angry. Its a tough one, but from the sounds of it her husband is not going to change her mind so she has a choice to make. She has said she would not divorce him to give her a child a half-sibling (good decision in my view!) so may have to come to terms with an only child. It would be hard of course, but its not like he said he would have two and then changed his mind. That would be a lot worse (in my view - and I say that as someone who did exactly that to my husband).
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02-12-2014 09:46 #41
02-12-2014 09:56 #42
I think this is probably one of the hardest topics in marriage as there is no right and wrong and someone always has to 'lose'. For me it would depend on how many you already had and what the agreement was in the beginning.
We very early on agreed on 3 children. After DS was born he was a very full on child and DH said 2 is enough. When he was 3 I cried to DH I felt this empty space and without any pressure he said ok, let's have a 3rd. After a long time, I'm finally pg with our 3rd. But if I said to him I want a 4th (I most certainly don't , it's him that wants the 4th) and he said no, I'd respect that. Yes it would hurt, probably a lot. Had he said no more after one child..... well I'm genuinely not sure where that would have taken us.
If you guys had one child I could understand your angst much more. But you have 3. I'm totally not meaning to minimise your feelings but he has given you 3 beautiful kids. I think you need to meet him half way here.
02-12-2014 10:05 #43
Marriage is all about compromise and if you desperately want another and he desperately doesn't, something has to give.
You already have 2 kids, is splitting from your DH best for them? No, do you love him still? If yes perhaps you're the one to compromise.
You could split up and move on but what if you don't meet someone else for a long time? What if you couldn't end up having a third? You might have ruined your relationship for nothing.
Just some food for thought....
02-12-2014 10:25 #44
02-12-2014 10:30 #45
I feel very similarly to you about being a mum. It is my life, all I care about. I work, part time, because I have to to make ends meet, but if I could stay home with my kids and do nothing but raise them I would.
I have 3 children, and my heart desperately wants a 4th, but my head knows for us, in our situation, it isn't sensible. My heart is you, my head is your husband.
MY husband, is happy to go along with whatever I want. You see, like you, I do all the parenting and am a selfless, happy mother. I enjoy my kids, they don't stress me out, each child has brought nothing to our family but joy. So he has no reason to say no.... but it probably helps that I'm working. He doesn't feel like he's got that sole responsibility of providing for the family on his shoulders. That might be a part of it.
Honestly some days, I kind of wish my husband would straight out say "no". That way, I could get myself over it and move one! Hah. If he's said no to 2 or 3 though..... I would have really struggles with that decision.
I really think the best thing for you here is to REALLY think about his reasons, hard, and see where he's coming from.
Good luck working all this out hon, I know what it's like to have the tiny image of a baby you dont yet have tugging on your heart day in and day out. Why do they do that! Also... please keep in mind just how very lucky you are to have the 3 that you have. Some families desperately want 1 child. Your husband has given you 3. Cuddle them tight, love them, let them be enough for you. You've got more than some people will ever have.
I did also want to point out, those women who are saying that they don't want another and their husband does, it is a little different. While both parents obviously need to want a baby, a man conceding to another child that his partner has to carry, give birth to, breastfeed and be the primary carer for (if that's the way your family works) is completely different to a Man asking his partner to do so if she doesn't want to. Unfortunate for both, frustrating for both, upsetting for both... but not quite the same thing none the less.
02-12-2014 10:45 #46
I would never punish my precious child by on purpose giving them a dad that didn't want them or feel he had the necessary ability to deal with them. That would be cruel.
02-12-2014 10:57 #47
I sometimes think I would like another child but DH wants to stop at 3 and because I can never make up my mind I don't think I will ever resent him for it. When my Mum met my Dad he was in the process of getting a divorce and already had 3 children (my brothers and sister) and after they had me he told her flat out he wanted no more children and even now 33 years later she still holds some resentment towards him and brings it up every once in awhile.
02-12-2014 11:04 #48
Could you forgive your husband for refusing you a child?
Seems as though you would be better off tackling your depression before making any decisions, rather than having a baby and hoping it makes your depression go away. Food for thought.
Edited to add - it seems as though his biggest issue is being a sole breadwinner and supporting the family. I am currently the main breadwinner, and it can be very stressful. When you are responsible for paying all the bills and keeping a roof over everyone's head, it can be hard work and a heavy load to carry on your shoulders! As well as also sharing the parental and household responsibilities. And when you are working to support a family, you do need your recreation time or you will burn out. If his biggest issue with a fourth baby is wondering how he will manage to cope supporting you all, can you compromise and get a casual/part time job? Work for 12 months as you will also be eligible for maternity leave when the time comes for a fourth.
Last edited by Super Trooper; 02-12-2014 at 12:30.
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02-12-2014 11:28 #49
^^^I agree with the above, as harsh as it might sound. I think you really need to ask yourself WHY you want another child. Having another baby isn't a simple decision for everyone and I can understand the reasons behind why your husband doesn't want it. I'm sorry that it's devistating for you, but maybe counselling will help you think more clearly or make a decision that's right for you. To be honest, I don't think this is worth throwing your marriage away for. You have three kids this will affect, please be careful and really think about how you want to approach this.
15-12-2014 21:50 #50
I went through this exact thing only last month. DH said no more after 3. The only responses he would give were it would be too hectic. Mind he doesn't work he sits on his computer all day pretty much. I am the main breadwinner in the house and i see no issues having a fourth. We went to counselling and i told him flat out i wanted a crack at another boy. 4 is my ultimate last number. And i told him that if he denied me i would undoubtedly need ALOT more counselling to work through the grief. He could not understand why i would grieve over something that doesn't exist but i just told him the idea of a fourth baby exists and thats what i will grieve over. SO we agreed to try in 2016 hugs OP
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