I think you can refuse anything you like if you're being polite. You can refuse rudely also, it's your choice but you may not ever be offered anything ever again from that person if you're rude. Being polite always is the better option.
I think it can become an issue if you always refuse though. Eg. I have a certain couple of friends who visit periodically but always refuse anything I offer - a drink (any drink!), snacks, cake, anything!) and I find that rude tbh. It comes across as unfriendly and snobby to me. Maybe they don't intend that but I think it's kind and nice to appreciate being offered drinks/food when visiting. Indeed I always turn up with a plate or something myself when I visit others.
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01-11-2014 10:28 #31
01-11-2014 10:32 #32
An exception would be if someone had bought or prepared food especially, mistakenly thinking it was a "favourite" dish. As an adult I would suck it up and eat it, but I wouldn't expect my children (1 & 7 y/o) to do that yet.
I have taught DD (7) to politely refuse foods she doesn't like, eg, lolly pops or jelly beans from doctors, etc, as I feel it's better to say no thanks than waste it.
01-11-2014 10:33 #33
Food I have no problem with my kids declining so long as they do it politely. DS1 is fantastic, he uses his manners and declines but only if it is something he genuinely dislikes a lot (like mash potato, it makes him gag, or any sort of potato really, chips included). My DS2 has some pretty serious food aversions. So whilst he has fantastic manners the majority of the time, when it comes to food we're still working on it, because food causes him so much distress.
For example if I ask him if he'd like to try something (new flavour yoghurt, different sort of meat than hes used to etc) he will immediately burst into tears and scream no. So I dont ask him this I go about it in a different way. My family still wont listen and often ask him this question. Food causes him great anxiety and distress. So yup he comes across as rude in this situation. But its not as simple as just teaching him manners. Clearly as I have 1 child who is very polite in the same situation.
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01-11-2014 10:33 #34
VP I actually get where you're coming from a bit with this (and I read what you wrote last night too). I was affronted by the way you expressed yourself but you're probably not surprised by that!
One year I took my class bowling for their end of year excursion. At the end I bought each student a Mars Bar or Snickers (at Bowling alley prices) out of my own money as a special treat. One of my students didn't want anything. She was extremely polite about it, but I remember feeling a little put out - like, hey, I just did something really nice for you and the least you could have done was pretended and then given it to your sister or something!
But then I thought about it and realised I was imposing my values upon her. It's not her job to make me feel good for randomly offering her something she didn't like. It's not like I asked beforehand what she wanted. I pulled myself together and asked if there was something she'd like instead, but she said no thanks and thank you for the thought. From an 8 year old.
I did still funny at first though. But then, I have rejection issues so I'm also crazy :-)
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01-11-2014 10:46 #35
Although I don't agree that refusing chocolate makes a child rude, on a general level I somewhat see where VP is coming from regarding people being picky and choosy about gifts. I think as a society we've become greedy and hard to please.
But by the same token, sometimes politely turning something down may mean that goes to someone that really wants it. A friend ages ago gave me 2 garbage bags of clothes bc they were too small for her. I was appreciative and thanked her. They were size 14's. I was size 10 I held onto them for a few years as she is an op shopper and I knew it would hurt her to see her clothes at the Salvo's. Then about 12 months ago she offered more. I politely thanked her but told her the truth that there probably wouldn't be anything there that would fit me. That bag of clothes ended up with a single mum friend that was that size
01-11-2014 10:49 #36
I think politely refusing is an art, akin to accepting a compliment and being a gracious winner/loser. I don't have a problem with my child declining something that she is offered as long as she is polite.
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Last edited by SpecialPatrolGroup; 01-11-2014 at 10:51.
01-11-2014 11:08 #37
I guess the tension in VP's case is coming to your house and asking for something then saying you don't want it, maybe? Trying to understand.
01-11-2014 11:24 #38-
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01-11-2014 11:44 #39Senior Member
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01-11-2014 11:45 #40
See, I get why you might be bothered/disappointed if you feel like you're doing something nice by participating and the kid doesn't want it. I don't think it's fair to call the kid rude though.
Trick or Treating isn't just about the lollies they get, it's also about having fun with friends/family etc... something different and exciting for kids. Given that, I think it'd be perfectly fine for a kid who hates all lollies to go, just for the experience. The only possible reason for accepting lollies they then don't like is to make the adult feel good. I don't think that's a kid's job.
If he was then requesting specific items "oh no, I don't like those. Could I have one of THOSE instead?", then I'd find it rude.
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