My baby wont settle for me :(

[Renn]

Actually, I do agree with others about your anxiety quite possibly being at the root of this.

Your experience sounds so much like mine, and looking back, my anxiety levels were not in a normal range back then. I THOUGHT I was being perfectly reasonable, that of COURSE having a newborn is stressful.... but I really think I was stressing to an unhealthy extent about things that didn't matter or that I couldn't control. Seeking help for that probably would have helped me get to a manageable state sooner.

[inner hippy]

Firstly I want to say I feel for you, it's hard when you have a bub that doesn't know what the baby manual said.

I agree with pp please go see your gp about your anxiety, I too believe it is the root of your problems.

Also it's ok to want to follow a routine but tbh it doesn't sound like it is working. So I would take a break, do whatever works and revisit the routine in a month or so.

Does feeding to sleep work? If so I would highly recommend doing that. Please don't worry about sleep association and not being able to leave bubs. It's already proven that your DH can settle without feeding and I'm sure your family will work it out as well.

Does walking in the pram work? If yes do that as well. Maybe first sleep of the day walk in pram, second one feed to sleep etc. Once bub is use to sleeping more during the day and your anxiety is under control start changing things slowly.

Finally if you surveyed everyone on the hub I think you would find majority have spent many hours trying to put their newborns to sleep with many weird and wacky ways. Only the minority probably had bubs they could swaddle, put down and walk away and they would sleep. Your bub not wanting to sleep by itself in a cot is normal, they want to be with you.

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[heartstringz]

I think you need to throw any preconceived ideas of a routine and how you want to do things out the window.

I have seen so many threads from you about the same issues and the same things happen with every thread. People offer up good suggestions and you make excuses about why that won't work or why you won't try it for the majority of the suggestions.

Seeing someone for your anxiety has been suggested by posters well before you gave birth. Have you actually done this????

Please go see someone for your anxiety and start working as a team with your DH. It's not you vs him as to who the "better parent" is. You're a team.

I spent most of my pregnancy asking for help with my anxiety & the hospital kept fobbing me off. I had to wait forever for an appointment with a private psych so I was only able to see her twice before ds was born.

So yes I did ask for help. Now I am also trying to get help but im trying to find someone who can come to me & there dont seem to be many options. But I am looking

Ive tried everything people have suggested

I need some kind of routine because at the moment each day is complete chaos. Neither ds or I know what is happening & that might be part of the problem

But no worries, I guess ill just bow out now

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[harvs]

Hi heartstringz, I've read a few of your threads now. Like you I had a very tricky newborn who was almost impossible to satisfy and was a horrible sleeper all day and night. Here's the good news: it won't be like this forever. The bad news is it will be for a little while.

You sound a little like me in that you're so desperate for change that it's frustrating if things don't work immediately. You've had lots of great advice and suggestions, and I don't want to bombard you, but here's an idea that sounds really strange but you've got nothing to lose by trying it.

Can you set aside a day or two where you literally walk all day? Of course feed him, so even if you're just walking round the blocks near your house and you can duck home to feed, but other than that walk. Sing to him, talk to him, anything, but just take note of the times he drifts off to sleep. If you get him up at the same time each morning and do this for a couple of days, then you will get an idea of his natural biorhythms.

I did this with DS, and learnt that k was wildly under/overestimating the times he needed to sleep. I'm not saying it's a magic fixer, but at least if you know approximately when he'll be tired, he *should* fight going down less.

The other thing, and I'm unsure that it will help, is that even when it was awful, it helped me to remind myself that it was part of my job to help DS sleep. He wasn't working against me, I just needed to keep helping him.

Good luck and hang in there :-)

[CMF]

So yes I did ask for help. Now I am also trying to get help but im trying to find someone who can come to me & there dont seem to be many options. But I am looking

Can you get your DH to drive you to a psych appointment?

[Happymum2]

It's hard having a newborn @heartstringz. Throw into it not being able to drive and not being close (walking distance) to everything you need only makes things harder. You're not a bad mum just an exhausted mum. I'm sure we have all been there, I know I sure as hell have. Please do keep trying to get the help you need, speak to your child health nurse, look into a sleep school etc. I promise you it does get easier but it will take time. Huge hugs. Xo

[Colbie]

I don't know how you deal with all the different advice from everyone but anyway, here's my 2c. I agree that throwing routine out the window may be a good idea, at least for a while. Give yourself a break from 'shoulds'. Don't worry about where bub sleeps, how long he sleeps for or how you put him to sleep. I've never had a routine for my kids, the majority of babies do tend to naturally settle into their own routine if you give them a chance to. At the moment my DD (6 weeks) sleeps best in a wrap or sling for day sleeps and tends to cat nap if I put her down in bed or in a swing etc. during the day. But, that doesn't mean next time I don't try to put her down, as sometimes I'll get a good few hours out of her. I don't 'time' her naps. She just sleeps when she sleeps. Sometimes I feed, rock, cuddle, pat her to sleep. Whatever works. It may bother some people to do that but it doesn't bother me. Sometimes she falls asleep of her own accord, usually in the pram/car etc. I also often feed her even if I have just fed her and don't think she could possibly be hungry, but she is. I just try to do whatever makes her feel comfortable and secure. This is just how I do things, but as a person with a tendency to be anxious as well, I know I could not deal with the pressure of trying to have my babies in any kind if routine. It would be so hard! I just go with their needs at the time, and both they and I are much happier for it.

Just keep trying, go with your gut, and if bub wakes up after one sleep cycle or whatever, so what? There's no reason to get frustrated. Just resettle, feed or whatever he needs. He's still so little. His behaviour honestly sounds pretty normal. I think you may need to just go with his flow a bit more, rather than trying to get him to do certain things at certain times.

[maternidade]

Is he overtired? DD screams if she's over tired

[SpecialPatrolGroup]

I am just wondering if he is hungry and won't settle for you because you smell of milk and your dh doesn't smell like the thing he wants.

Im not happy about making a feed to sleep association. I do it when I have to but I wont do it all the time. Cause that means I could never not be here at sleep time otherwise dh or grandparents/family members will have hours & hours of screaming. I want to be able to leave him with family members etc occasionally

I fed my DD to sleep until 20 months but other people could get her to sleep when I wasn't around. I used to feel like such a crap mum because of all of the "rod for your back" stuff people go on with but I genuinely think that is nonsense (my dd weaned herslf and then I would just pat her). If you can feed him to sleep, do it. When you are feeling better and stronger and getting some sleep then you can think about trying some different techniques for sleep. You really sound like you are in survival mode right now, just go with what works now.

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[Sonja]

@heartstringz please don't go away. You are physically isolated by not driving and having a challenging baby. You need an outlet and if BH gives you that then use it.

I think the hard thing for so many of us is we have been where you are, we tried everything and basically nothing worked except time. I remember DH going to see a band when DD1 was about 5 months old and I was up settling her from 10 til 1am. He'd go away for work and I wouldn't sleep for several days.

I was an anxious depressed mess. No wonder she wouldn't sleep for me.

I look back on the first 6 to 9 months of her life and to be honest I enjoyed very little of it. It was a blur.

I think he can smell your milk and sense your anxiety. All of my kids would be ratbags for me and as soon as I gave them to DH would fall fast asleep. I learned to not take it personally.

Look back over the past few weeks or months and see how far you've come. He sleeps through and despite what you're saying he has gone to sleep for you during the day.

You have come so far. Give yourself a pat on the back for that. You are a great mummy for constantly asking how you can be better.

Xxxx